Therapist Won't Call Me Back?

[theshadowoftheliving]

I didn't see my therapist this week. We knew this was going to happen, and set a time on Wednesday to do a telephone check-in. She said she'd call me; she was coming from a meeting so it might be a few minutes late if the meeting ran over.

Finally, forty five minutes after we were supposed to talk, I called her. Got her voicemail, left a message saying that maybe I had the wrong day or time ... But I'd still like to check in if we could.

Later that day my telephone alerted me to a voicemail. Apparently, she had called, but my phone just never rang. I called her back. Left another message where I was almost crying and telling her I was sorry.

Now, it's the end of the day Friday. She never returned my call. I don't want to keep pestering her, but I've been so anxious and overwhelmed and upset that she won't call me. Am I overreacting? I feel like she's playing a power game with me, since I didn't answer the first time (but also didn't know she called ....). I also feel like calling her yet again is just embarrassing/begging/pathetic, since she obviously just isn't going to return my call at this point ... I hate this.

 

[Lucycat]

Oh dear. Miscommunication and mis understanding. These things happen and don't mean that she does not love you and does not care. Telephones are infinitely fallible.

I have had messages come through days late. Sometimes it goes to message because by pure fluke the other person Is on the phone at the same time. Just give her a break, allow her some time and if you have not heard try calling again.

Here our phone signal is totally unreliable.

 

[Kintsugi]

There's an important piece of information missing here. When she left a voice message, what did it say?

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Her voicemail was, frankly, a little snarky. She pointed out that this was the agreed upon time, and that she would only be in her office for a half hour after that (I called shortly thereafter, thus missing her).

I'm trying to let it go, but she's always so good about returning calls that this (two and a half days of silence) feels deliberate.

To add to it, I only have two more sessions left with her. I can't continue, due to insurance stuff, but I will be able to continue with a different therapist. I keep asking her for referrals and she keeps refusing to give them to me. I'm mad about that, too, but keep trying to let it go … that conversation was how we ended our last session (with her refusing and me having to just cede power to her). So, I'm struggling not to read into this event as her enacting power over me.

 

[joeylittle]

I keep asking her for referrals and she keeps refusing to give them to me. I'm mad about that, too, but keep trying to let it go … that conversation was how we ended our last session (with her refusing and me having to just cede power to her).

This is really disturbing. Do you mind sharing, when you ask for the referrals, what language she uses to say "no"?

I'm struggling not to read into this event as her enacting power over me.

It's possible that she is attempting to lay down stronger boundaries as part of the transition to the end of your relationship. If so, she's kind of doing a sloppy job of it. But that is one possible explanation that isn't simply about her making some strange power play.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

She told me that she doesn't know how much progress I'll make in the next two sessions, so she can't know what will be most helpful for me. True. But, I'm worried that this will mean I'll have to take a break from therapy entirely as I set something new up, as I know how long it can take to get in to see someone and see if they are a good fit, etc. I'm afraid that there will be a large bit of discontinuity.

She also told me that she doesn't actually think I need to be in therapy - that I should just work on things on my own. I'm astounded to hear her say that, as I feel like I've fallen apart in a kind of scary, vaguely suicidal way since starting therapy …. I think I need it. I want it. This isn't how I want to live my life.

I guess the moral of the story is to start looking for new therapists sans her recommendations, and just deal with it on my own.

I'm so frustrated by her and this.

 

[Kintsugi]

I am starting to feel she might not give you the very best referrals. :meh:

I'm really sorry you're dealing with these issues. I wish I had something more helpful to add. I can only say it might not be the most terrible thing that your relationship is ending.

 

[joeylittle]

I guess the moral of the story is to start looking for new therapists sans her recommendations, and just deal with it on my own. I'm so frustrated by her and this.

You've got every right to be. She's dropping the ball. I really hope you can find someone who will be your right fit and give you the support you want and need.

 

[Friday]

I am starting to feel she might not give you the very best referrals. :meh:

I was just thinking the same thing.

@theshadowoftheliving You've heard of the birds of a feather flock together, thing? It's very true... Awesome people tend to know other awesome people. You want to get referrals from the best, most outstanding people you can find. Find one amazing doc? The referrals they provide will be to their friends & colleagues they respect. Mediocre crappy providers on the other hand? Yep. More mediocre crappy providers. It can be hard to find the "in" ... The one amazing doc with the stellar circle of friends. Find them, though, and be blown away by an entirely new level of care. True in every area of medicine.

As far as your original Q for overreacting? I'd say definitely overreacting to be in tears apologizing for missing her call for your appointment. You're the one who was missing out, but then you're distraught & apologizing to her for it? Worse, spun up over her possible emotions? This was your appointment for something you needed. You didn't let her down, you were let down. By accident, but regardless of whether it was your fault/ her fault/ no-one's fault /aka accident? You were still the one who missed out. I do the same thing; I conflate being sorry (and I am sorry, I'm sorry I missed it!) with needing to apologize &/or someone else needing to forgive me, for my own thing.

Like a kid dropping their sandwich and then begging for forgiveness from the adult who made it for them... Gah. I hate this. Total right to be sad over the sammie. But that their own disappointment is washed away in the abject terror of the adult... So they have to apologize & placate someone else being mad at them for something bad happening to them? It's just f*cked up. I don't even know how many hundreds of times I've dealt with that, with kids. 1. it wasn't my sammie / it's not *my* sadness or anger that needs to be dealt with. 2. your sammie-problem can be fixed. Let's deal with *your* sadness/disappointment by reframing the problem : aka still hungry. Okay. Let's deal with that one first, shall we?

 

[Rumors]

Sorry, but I would like to point out another perspective here. The title of the thread is "Therapist won't call me back?" Well, she did call you back and for whatever unlucky reason it rolled to voice mail. I hate that when it happens too. Then, you said she refuses to give you a referral and then state that she doesn't know what kind of progress you will make in the next two sessions so it is hard for her to figure out what kind of help will be best. That isn't a refusal. Maybe poor planning, but not a refusal.
I am certainly not trying to insinuate that you aren't in angst. I can absolutely tell by your post that you are hurting and you need some comfort. However, dealing with skewed perceptions doesn't help. It can only exacerbate the negative thoughts that already beat us up. I do the same thing!!! ALOT!!!! I hate it. So, I have to really sit down and look at the facts of a scenario and try and deal with what I need to get through the day. So, I would suggest that maybe you could frame things a little differently and see if you might find another perspective. I can only say this because I do the exact same things in the same scenarios so please don't take this as criticism or judgement. I have been there and will likely be there again...soon...so, when I am please help me frame things in a different light if you can.
Sending you loads of good vibes and hopes that you are able to talk to your T soon! Hang in there!

 

[greenleaf]

@theshadowoftheliving -- I find myself agreeing with @FridayJones ... this T doesn't seem terribly good for you, but that's a good reason not to use whoever she'd recommend; they might have the same philosophy. Some Ts' approach to boundaries really don't help certain of us, and some of those Ts will essentially blame us for our problems with their approach. Generally I find that kind of thing really unhelpful, personally.

Luckily you have other options!!! There are trauma therapists out there who might have very different approaches. Here is a way to search (I see you're in the U.S.), and you can read what the T has to say about their approach. You can interview them too before committing.

https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

So, I think I agree to me overreacting to missing her call. I'm such a good client in so many ways (frustrating, for sure, but just in the way that people in therapy and scared of change are ..). I've never been late. I've never cancelled. This was the first snafu in my part (and I'm not sure it was totally on my part anyways). After the missed call, I left two messages asking her to call me back and she didn't.

So, I'm mad about her not calling me back, coupled with the frustration regarding the referrals. Over and over in therapy I've tried to address my frustrations with the style and she keeps shutting me down and I feel blamed for being the one with the "problematic thinking patterns". (Her words, not mine). I guess I'm looking for some reassurance that I'm NOT overreacting by feeling angry and feeling like she's the one in the wrong here .....