Therapy Being Terminated Because I'm Too Suicidal?

[Laurie2001]

She is obligated to find a good referral for you. Someone who is truly knowledgeable about trauma and is able to work with someone who self-harms. I'm not sure what state you are in but in most they are responsible to give you at least one referral if not three. But you should definitely talk to her more about it. But it is really good that you are being honest. If you can't be there's not point in the therapy and the therapist needs to work with you in part on obviously what triggers the scratching or why you feel suicidal (all of which are typical of people with trauma). I often have suicidal feelings or want to self-harm and we address those feelings and behaviors and how it relates to the PTSD.

 

[SnowJo]

Met today with my therapist. I've been trying to be honest with her about everything that i...

That's rough. I know if I even hint slightly at suicide thoughts that she gets very uncomfortable and I understand why. It's not meant as a threat as I don't entertain those thoughts and when I am telling her I usually describing what I am doing to save myself (I prefer clinging to my dogs). Self harm I tried once when I was 11 then again at 14 once... walked around with bandages on my rist. .. non one noticed no one cared about my self pity so I sought different ways to get attention. But I also understand how horrid it is to have someone you care for threaten suicide or self harm, it feels completely disempowering and you feel bullied.
I know that may not be your intention but it's a side effect of the behavior for those who care about you.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

in her defence (and without saying too much about my situation on a public forum), she didn't terminate me on the spot. Just mentioned that she was going to think about referring me out and that I was at the limit of what she was willing to tolerate. I do have faith that she will help me find someone else, or atleast make some referrals.

But it still feels like abandonment. I put on a really, really good poker face in real life and most people don't know that I have depression, much less am contemplating suicide. I chose to open up to her, and now I feel like it has completely backfired. I know i'm overreacting, but I never want to show someone this side of me again.

I think I need to find someone with more experience. My therapist does have experience with trauma, but isn't an expert yet. I think I need someone that can tolerate the occasional slip with self harm, without panicking - I don't even consider the self harm to be a problem, per say, just a sign that things are getting overwhelming.

@Chava I agree that she is trying to nudge me into stopping to stay in treatment with her. BUT, occasionally, I slip. I used to cut five or six times a day. I've only cut twice since being in treatment with her (over the last four months). I just want her to be patient with me as I figure this out, and I want her to recognize how far I've come and how well I am actually doing, since it's all in perspective, atleast for me.

@Casey_03

I think that some therapists are so afraid of having a patient hurt/kill themselves that they prefer to pass any risky patients along.

I agree with this, and this is exactly how it feels. I'm horrified that I've been reduced to a liability.

As much as it sucks, I think I need to find someone with more expertise in trauma. I hate admitting that I have deep founded issues and need an expert, but these last two therapy experiences haven't really helped to convince me to being normal. I don't want to be so messed up. But I'm starting to realize that I'm not just a typical patient that presents with depression or anxiety, and I need more care than someone whom she is used to working with, which makes me just feel more crazy.

 

[Crow]

My very first therapist fired me after 3 months because I was too screwed up for her training. She referred me to a more skilled psychologist. I was devastated. Took 15 years to get past the perceived abandonment. Now I'm simply grateful because she got me to someone who could help.

 

[Friday]

As much as it sucks, I think I need to find someone with more expertise in trauma. I hate admitting that I have deep founded issues and need an expert, but these last two therapy experiences haven't really helped to convince me to being normal. I don't want to be so messed up. But I'm starting to realize that I'm not just a typical patient that presents with depression or anxiety, and I need more care than someone whom she is used to working with, which makes me just feel more crazy.

<grin> I like the bolded part very, very much. :D

That IS one of the benefits of finding people who really get it, though. Whether it's here on the forum amongst peers, or out in real life... It not only helps, but makes one feel LESS crazy. Oh. Okay. This is totally manageable? Awesome! Meanwhile someone who is new, inexperienced, or mediocre can make one feel sooooo much more crazy. As does being with people whose problems are so vastly different than your own (better or worse), the difference can create this schism, of feeling so impossibly messed up. But when you're with the right people? Peers or professionals... The weight lifts, the stress eases, and it's actually helpful. You don't have to worry about freaking them out, or if this is all $&%£ & :wtf: & :banghead: Until that weight lifts for the first time? It's almost impossible to describe/feel it being there at all... Until you have the experience of being held in strong hands and brave hearts.

 

[Penitent]

Met today with my therapist. I've been trying...

W.T.F. is UP with that? Since when is therapy not WORK for the therapist. I think your feelings are a testimony to what a shifty job she's doing and if you have any choice you should get someone better. I really detest pseudo-professionals. U deserve more safety than that!

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Just an update: met with my therapist yesterday. So far, I'm not terminated. She wants me to go into a DBT program, but since the wait times in my area for those programs re upwards of three months, she said she would be committed to seeing me until then and helping me make a seamless transition from her to them.

I feel less panicked, but also like a failure that I'm being referred away.

In the meantime, however, I'm not sure how honest I can be with her regarding what is actually happening with suicidal behaviours, which really, really sucks.

 

[Friday]

It's not a failure to be moving on & seeking better levels of care.