Relationship Therapy Denial

[JM318]

Hello friends :) I haven't posted on here in over a month. I've been trying to focus on myself and loving my sufferer from afar. It been four months since his breakdown and him starting therapy. Our few interactions he's been cold, bitter and pointing fingers at me for his anxiety/depression/anger outbursts. He told me he loved me recently and I overheard him telling a mutual friend (who just got out of the marines) that he leaves therapy pissed off every single time. And he did say this knowing I was close enough to hear. I just want advice, do most people go through a denial phase when starting therapy? Is it possible he will never have a break through and always blame me for everything? I have come to the realization that I need to completely disappear out of his life - no more asking for friendship, or contacting him randomly, no more asking for answers. I realize I am just getting in the way of his recovery and not giving him TRUE space to get through what he needs to get through. I keep seeing signs from the universe of "hope" and I know deep down we are meant to be together, I just have to let it go and let things happen the way they are supposed to. His biggest thing is he thinks I go around and spread the fact that he is in therapy with PTSD, but I assured him I confide in a few of my close friends for support (who are also friends with him) and he told me he feels like he can't trust me. How do I get him to feel differently? I tried telling him that we are both hurting and I seek support from my friends, and that I was the one who had to be the "bad guy" and encourage him to go to therapy because I thought it would better us, and I don't regret that. I didn't tell him I think he is in denial, I feel that would have made things worse, but I remember specifically the day he came home from the VA and told me he was diagnosed. Any advice please? I really just need someone to talk to.

 

[Friday]

Trauma therapy isn't like normal therapy. It usually makes things worse in the beginning, not better.

 

[JM318]

Trauma therapy isn't like normal therapy. It usually makes things worse in the beginning, not bet...

Which would explain why he still uses me as a punching bag?

 

[Friday]

he still uses me as a punching bag?

Are you being metaphoric, or literal?

 

[JM318]

Are you being metaphoric, or literal?

He does not hit me literally. He had been cold to push me away and says things I know he doesn't mean.

 

[Friday]

He does not hit me literally...

Thanks. :) Just checking... As that's a place people go, too. Both in abusive ways, out of control ways, & quasi-healthy to healthy ways. As I don't know you two, felt I should check before assuming.

And... Short answer, then? Probably. Or at least one of the reasons. Therapy -good therapy or bad therapy- is a massive increase in stress. Which means symptoms ramping up. Add in the military (as he's going via the VA)? Which is both a trigger and a stressor for a lot of us? There's another. Add in that it's Veterans Day Weekend :mad: (and if he's a Marine?, the USMC birthday tomorrow) There's another. There may well be more stressors in his life right now... But any single one of those above? More than enough to nuke normal life. Adding them all together? :wtf: :banghead: :dead: Plus anything else he's got going on.

Does being symptomatic excuse shit? Not in my book. But explain, otoh, is a different thing.

 

[JM318]

Thanks. :) Just checking... As that's a place people go, too. Both in abusive ways, out of control ways,...

Honestly I think it's a collection of many things... therapy, which I know is also digging up his fathers death which is huge to him... plus our 3rd breakup, (2nd since official diagnosis) and he told me he's going back to school in the spring which was always a huge stressor to him) I think he doesn't want to hurt me anymore, he's told me he is lucky to have such a strong woman in his life and he envies my strength, and I think he's discouraged that we can't seem to get things right and I told him that it's easy to be happy together, but until he realizes that running away is not the answer, the hard part is sticking through the rough times that come with PTSD and relationships... that we will never have a stable relationship. I think I just need to leave him be to figure this all it on his own, especially since both excuses for both breakups came down to him "not being ready". He may love me, but if he's not ready to step forward, I can't push. Just hoping for a break through and that may be a long time coming......

 

[JM318]

....also he's said twice to me that he brings nothing to the table at therapy except ME. Then why does he still go? 2-3 weeks in and he said it was Boring... yet 4 months later he still goes weekly. The fact he says he doesn't want people to know and can't trust me makes it seem like he wants me to think things with him are fine so he can just try to move forward and not get his "past thrown in his face" (his words) but I tried to explain that I didn't just go around telling people our business, I confided in a few close friends as a supporter (which is hard) and all of our friends can see a difference in him and know his military background... I told him I always had good intentions and I encouraged him to get help because I thought it would help him, but he says he doesn't have PTSD.... so I said okay well now you know you don't need therapy? What was I to really say? Just hope he sticks with therapy and things level out soon....

 

[Justmehere]

It seems like a really tough situation that you have been enduring with him for a long time. Staying in a relationship on the basis of hope that the other person will change usually is a path to a lot of resentment down the road.

Is it possible he will never have a break through and always blame me for everything?

Yes. It's also possible a break though will lead to more symptoms. Trauma therapy isn't like going in and simply gaining insight and then everything is ok. It's a arduous process.

He told me he loved me recently and I overheard him telling a mutual friend (who just got out of the marines) that he leaves therapy pissed off every single time.

I live therapy pissed every single time but that has nothing to do with anyone else. But in your case, I can see how it woulf feel like this is yet another time he is blaming you.

You are very focused on his denial... but most people have some denial, and I think you might have blind spots too. (I have many myself!) For example, you wrote,

I have come to the realization that I need to completely disappear out of his life - no more asking for friendship, or contacting him randomly, no more asking for answers. I realize I am just getting in the way of his recovery and not giving him TRUE space to get through what he needs to get through.

Then right after that, you wrote about how you want to "get him to feel differently"...

His biggest thing is he thinks I go around and spread the fact that he is in therapy with PTSD, but I assured him I confide in a few of my close friends for support (who are also friends with him) and he told me he feels like he can't trust me. How do I get him to feel differently? I tried telling him that we are both hurting and I seek support from my friends, and that I was the one who had to be the "bad guy" and encourage him to go to therapy because I thought it would better us, and I don't regret that.

He's being a jerk... and you can't change him or get him to feel anything, and like you initially wrote, sometimes space is a boundary that allows for more change.

Any advice please? I really just need someone to talk to.

You can't change him. His therapist can't change him. Only he can change himself.

You can change you. I'd suggest looking into learning how to set and keep boundaries with him, and possible support for you to learn how to do this in this difficult and draining situation.

 

[JM318]

It seems like a really tough situation that you have been enduring with him for a long time. Staying...

Sometimes I think I'm crazy because I'm trusting my gut that we will somehow get through this, I don't feel like things are over, but then I second guess myself and think maybe I am in denial myself and need to just accept that it's over and he chose separation once again... you are right I can't change him, by I have hope that there is still that person inside of him that wants the future we always talked about together... I think the only thing left for me to do is move on and if it's meant to be he will come around when he's ready again... I just don't know how to move on. Im happy in all other aspects of my life, romantically I don't have a problem with men who are interested but it's not reciprocated, and if it is, it's only temporary. I'm not ready to move on but I feel like I never will be because I love him.....

 

[Beautifulmess]

Sometimes I think I'm crazy because I'm trusting my gut that we will somehow get through this, I don't fe...

That is so so tough. You are not alone! Therapy is the only way for things to get better, but in my experience too it stirs things up.

I think it is great that he is still going! Even if he says it is boring he is still showing up.

He is really lucky to have you! Hang in there!

 

[dulcia]

not get his "past thrown in his face" (his words) but I tried to explain that I didn't just go around telling people our business

Feel ya on this one. My SO would probably be pissed that I post on here, no matter how vague I am about our identities.