Therapy Disclosure Triggering Si

[FauxLiz]

This morning in my therapy session I disclosed to my T that I previously had an inappropriate physical relationship with my primary care physician. The relationship took place both inside and outside the medical establishment where he worked.

I have never considered this to be traumatic as I was a consenting party to the relationship even though I knew it was unethical. However since I discussed it with my T today all I can seem to think about is what a horrible person I am and how I wish I could just be dead. I keep thinking about ways to do it and can't make up my mind if I should contact my therapist about this. My T allows me to text and email if needed but I really don't know what good that would do right now.

 

[sun seeker]

My T allows me to text and email if needed but I really don't know what good that would do right now.

Yes, you should contact your therapist. They said "if needed" and now is one of those times. You won't know what they can do to help unless you try. I know how hard it can be to ask for help at the times you need it most - at least for me, it can be. Do you know what is getting in the way for you?

I am also thinking that it is Thursday afternoon already, and if your therapist only responds to e-mails and texts during the work week, you want to do this now so they have a chance to help you before the weekend.

ETA: I don't think you are a terrible person.

 

[FauxLiz]

@sun seeker probably what is holding me up is that we discussed the fact that I also have issues with erotic transference involving my T, I don't want him to think this is because of him or that discussion.

 

[sun seeker]

Oh. It sounds like a can of worms got opened up too fast. That happens. Sucks, but it happens.

What was his reaction when you discussed it in your session? Was he able to stay calm and nonreactive? If so, it's a safe bet he can handle the situation now.

What if you explained it like you just did (and this is getting more complicated so I'd say e-mail instead of text). Tell him why it's hard to ask for help right now, but that you really do need help. Maybe he can give you some containment strategies so you're not flooded with the intensity of what the two of you discussed today. Tell him it was too much too fast and now you are having suicidal ideation and need help.

But, you will have to decide whether he is the one to help you right now, or whether contacting him might make you feel worse. If that is the case, then you'll need to find other help to tide you over, like a crisis line.

 

[FauxLiz]

@sun seeker you are probably right that it was opened up to fast. He was really good about the discussion and we had discussed the transference before but I am not sure he really understood to full extent of the transference. My trust issues are so convoluted and I am worried that I will try to sabotage the therapeutic relationship in an attempt to prove that even my T can't be trusted and can be manipulated with sex like I have experienced in my past both as the manipulator and person manipulated.

 

[sun seeker]

It sounds like you have really good self-awareness. That will help your process tremendously.

Did you decide to contact him? How are you feeling now?

 

[FauxLiz]

I contacted him and he was very understanding that I wasn't ready and had issues even volunteered to meet with me before our next appt on Tuesday

I just feel so raw right now and I am trying to be upbeat because I am at a work function and I just want to disappear

 

[sun seeker]

I'm glad you were able to ask for help and that it went well.

This does sound like the wrong time to have to be at a work function! I hope it's over soon so you can get home and curl up with a nice cup of hot chocolate or whatever would be comforting to you.

 

[Panda Bear]

I'm glad you were able to contact him. I'm sorry, sound as if you may have not been ready :(

 

[FauxLiz]

@Panda Bear I don't if I wasn't ready or if actually talking about it aloud both the previous relationship and the transference stirred up something in me that I can't identify. I feel absolutely paralyzed right now. My T has offered to meet with me this afternoon but I can't make up my mind. I feel terrified to see him again and I am not sure why but I don't know if it will be any better waiting until next week or if by putting it off I will end up chickening out and cancel our appt next week which would mean I don't see him for 12 days and at that point I may never go back.

 

[Panda Bear]

I would go to both appointments @FauxLiz. But that's just me. I've never regretted the need for the random second appointment over the many years I've been with T. Never.

It'll probably put you at ease and if he's cool, it's cool.