Therapy feels pointless but maybe I just feel helpless?

rusty_maestro

Confident
Personally I have never believed in "looking for someone" like you are going on a hunt. I do my thing, do what I enjoy and if someone comes along that path and wants to share a stretch of road with me then we can partner up until our path takes us in different direction. All the relationships I have had were effortless in their beginnings, we just did things we enjoyed and decided to hook up for a longer period of time to keep enjoying what we both liked. My relationships ended because we wanted something different in life and that was okay.

Same thing with your therapist except you are the driver here. The therapist shouldn't have an agenda for you but you should follow yours. If where you wan to go doesn't require the support of your therapist then take a break and explore on your own. I find inspiration in everything, books, music, friends, coaches, colleagues, whatever interaction I have with people.
 

TruthSeeker

MyPTSD Pro
I'm not sure what's the point of going to therapy anymore but I'm afraid to discuss it with my T cause if she agrees with me and tells me to just quit I will feel like such a failiure.

I've been seeing her weekly for almost 4 years now and we have worked on many things and I've made some big improvements. One of my biggest issues what maternity. I was approaching 40 when I started with her and I was struggling with the idea of never having a child. I wasn't in a good place mentally to be a mom and part of me hoped therapy would help me feel capable and go for it. But therapy actually made me realise that it had been a good choice to not do it and then I had to work on giving up that life long desire.

Then I thought maybe I could just work on solving the issues that prevented me from having a relationship. I couldn't be a mom but I could at least have a special someone. But working on that I've come to the conclusion that I should just quit on that too.

Dating is too complicated, feels like way too much work. I have a complicated sexual life too with trauma and stuff that just makes things hard for me. And talking about it with my T the other day, I told her that I was just tired of looking for someone and she said that I actually hadn't looked that much... that hurt. She explained that she was just trying to encourage me so I wouldn't feel hopeless but came out wrong. She said "You're 41, most of the guys in your dating pool are the ones no one wanted... finding a good man in there now it's like looking for the needle in the haystack. If you want to find one, it's going to be difficult and you're going to have to look for him a lot more". Which I think it's true but... is it worth it? The dating process is a nightmare for me so do I really want to keep doing it when I have no guarantee that it's going to get me anywhere?

I've decided I don't want to keep looking so now I should focus my therapy on dealing with losing that part of my life too and accept that I will most likely be on my own for what's left of it. My T thinks that I've been by myself all this time and it's not like I desperately need someone, which is true. I am very independant and I love being on my own most of the time... I just wished I could have found the right person for me. I feel defective cause I just couldn't.

So I should just continue my therapy dealing with my usual stuff and also coming to terms wih this "loss"... but I don't want to. I am tired of processing loss. Tired of dealing with all the things I didn't have, don't have and will never have just because my childhood wasn't perfect. I feel like I should just give up on it all and continue with my life without hoping for anything else.
I have a good job, a hobby I enjoy, I don't need people around and I love my pets and that's it, that's the next 30-40 years of my life. What's the point of going to therapy anymore? To get where?

Part of me says "you need therapy now to deal with losing that too cause you're just feeling hopeless" but I don't know anymore... this feels just stupid at this point.
I think different people are special at different times, in different ways, and for different reasons. So, rather than narrowing the special someone to "dating," maybe your special someone could be a friendship.....and it doesn't have to be sexual......and it doesn't have to be a guy.....it can be anyone that you see as a healthy, kind person...whose not manipulative and whom you feel safe with.... a friendship that was developed out of mutual interest. I think dating is probably more successful if it blossoms out of fun common interests rather than hanging out at the bar (where much of your audience is dysfunctional) or when using "enhancements to get in the mood" ...It is simpler to lower your expectations to meeting people and making friends. I have met people at work, in a music group, and in art and photography classes who have become good friends. Good longterm friendships have the advantage of not being sexual in nature......and that is a huge stressor for me. Not only that, I can trust a good friend and we don't do drama. One gal I know feels like family to me, and her family has kinda adopted me since I left the dysfunctionals (my crazy family)......we do for each other like we are sisters-travel together, puzzle together, share a bed when we go to her family's house (it's only sleeping-more like a sleepover thing ). I have no sisters, and don't acknowledge my brother.....he's crazy drama making....and my parents are dead. So trustworthy friends are enough for me to feel belonging. I can't fathom the concept of dating-online dating no-all that doesn't feel safe and most of the people feel the need to lie-that's not where you find most people with some semblance of integrity. But if I meet people where we are having a good time, doing something I totally enjoy with them, well......that's so very much more than I had growing up and most of my life. Friends can do mostly all the things a date can do (with the exception of one thing).....and there's no pretense....and a good friend will respect your boundaries. If you find that you don't click with someone, it's not on you to make it work for the good of everyone...no need to fix it....just let it go....it just didn't work.....no drama, no expectations......a much simpler way to live (that's just my opinion). I think I've found the best relationships when I wasn't looking for one.
 
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