I have now been in weekly Therapy sessions for about 12 weeks. I am lucky in that I found an amazing therapist who specializes in CSA and I can absolutely say she has picked me up off the floor and allowed me to function. I am still dealing with some of the old demons like blaming myself for my abuse as a child by a professional pedophile (I never told anyone until I was 55) but I am making progress in that and other areas.
I always assumed that my PTSD was all tied to my CSA from 10-12 and it is a big part of it. With that said, what has caught me by surprise is her addressing not only my CSA but also other traumas that had a major impact on me until I was about 19 that has made my PTSD much more complex. This discussion has forced me to look at my parents whom I loved dearly, in a different light (they both passed a long time ago). My parents had a lot of their own personal issues but I have always viewed my upbringing as pretty standard, what I have learned is that it was far from normal. Because I was so close with my parents, especially later in their lives it is very hard dealing with the facts of my youth. I wish they were both alive so I could ask them a few questions:
I am not angry with my parents because they did the best they could and I am only partially aware of their own issues which probably impacted me negatively. I think I am more surprised and don't understand how they did ignore my issues. Maybe I did a good job of hiding my own problems to avoid adding to theirs?
I always assumed that my PTSD was all tied to my CSA from 10-12 and it is a big part of it. With that said, what has caught me by surprise is her addressing not only my CSA but also other traumas that had a major impact on me until I was about 19 that has made my PTSD much more complex. This discussion has forced me to look at my parents whom I loved dearly, in a different light (they both passed a long time ago). My parents had a lot of their own personal issues but I have always viewed my upbringing as pretty standard, what I have learned is that it was far from normal. Because I was so close with my parents, especially later in their lives it is very hard dealing with the facts of my youth. I wish they were both alive so I could ask them a few questions:
- How did you not realize that there was something wrong with a non family adult taking a child on overnight trips? (Still largely my fault for not saying anything)
- How did you not realize that I had fallen into severe drug use starting at 13 thru 18 but you never said anything?
- How did you not ever address the fact that I was doing horribly in school? (I am very bright and if I had been listening and doing my work I would easily have had straight A's)
- How did you never discuss college with me, I never went and have paid a price?
- How did you not realize that I was screaming out for help in so many ways, yet no one came?
- How is it that I was basically abandoned in many ways like a wild animal fending for myself
I am not angry with my parents because they did the best they could and I am only partially aware of their own issues which probably impacted me negatively. I think I am more surprised and don't understand how they did ignore my issues. Maybe I did a good job of hiding my own problems to avoid adding to theirs?