We're doing CPT but I feel I'm blowing it, not doing it right. If anything I'm in a worse place.
Hi WAgirl, I am 11 months in with therapy. I relate very well with what you are concerned about. I did CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) after the initial "get-to-know-you" period. I thought I was going to lose a cork over the lessons and homework. There were many times that I was pulling my hair out over this. I really felt like I had failed/flunked the worksheets. I just didn't get them. They made no sense to me. So many on this site tried hard to help me with understanding the lessons and I really appreciated them for that, but, they remained very hard for me to grasp. You are reacting like I did...feeling like you flunk...as you said, "A total failure". And that does not just apply to the CBT/CPT...it flows over into your everyday life. Not being able to do the lessons, makes our PTSD brains tell us that we are unworthy, stupid, bothering everyone, really inferior in life in general. It made me want to run away and go into hiding as a hermit somewhere. The whole thing raises the frustration level to a point where it is near impossible to consider that I could be successful at anything. In other words, we go into failure and "beat-ourselves-up" mode. At least, in my eyes, the lessons confirmed how utterly inept I am.
I was able to stumble through them once my psych doc would walk me through each lesson, but on my own...no go. I felt like an utter failure with them. And the few that I was able to work on, I felt disingenuous about. I really did not believe what the end result of the homework was supposed to show. So, we changed up the therapy to simply taking a trauma event and I would write out the account, sorta like a book report. Then, in session, I would read it out loud to my doc. We would then talk about it. Then I would go home with the instructions of rewriting it and putting in as many smaller details I could recall. Then at the the next session, I would reread the same account again and we would talk. This is a form of exposure therapy and we did this until the traumas became less upsetting and almost boring to talk about. From there I am now doing EMDR. Because of so many trauma events in my life, my therapy doc is now weaving various methods together...sorta custom fitting a therapy plan for me. We talk, I write, he challenges me to things outside of therapy, and we are doing EMDR. This seems to work for me.
I, too, am a child abuse survivor. And depression has been my companion for most of my life. I didn't know I had PTSD until last year when my coping skills finally cried, "Uncle"! So, this mental health journey is new to me too. As many times as I wanted to cry and cry over therapy, I have stuck it out. It is feeling more comfortable to me now after almost a year. But, it is still hard road to walk, at times.
Let me encourage you to use this forum site to supplement your need for support and encouragement between the times you see your therapist. It has been a huge help to me for that. This site serves a great purpose concerning PTSD and bringing many together who walk this path. You are not reacting out of the ordinary about your therapy...in fact it is quite normal. The negative thoughts you are having are the PTSD lies it tells us. Hang on to that. You are far more wise, intelligent, worthy, and an overall great person than what your brain is telling you.
Do tell your therapist of the angst the CPT is giving you. I complained each session. They are used to this and will work with you about it. And keep in mind that this is a journey. It is going to take time to relearn good thinking. It does not happen overnight and usually, for me, anyway, it is consistent baby steps that keeps you moving forward.
