There Are Things That I Don't Like.

[Red Feather]

I don't know why this is the second time that I had this discovery. The last time was when I realized that I was in an abusive relationship, and I realized that I had needs, wishes and desires.

A year ago, I finished my diploma and have an equivalent to Masters in Fine Art. Since my exams I have been struggling. This has gone on for one year. I feel like I have regressed to the real passive and frightened girl I was before, while I was married. I had worked so hard on myself, only to have everything collapse on me. Now I realize that since the major crisis in February, I have to reexamine the degree of numbness I have according to my own needs.

Does anybody understand what I am getting at? To discern that there is a need, you have to also be able to discern what it is you want and therefore what it is you don't want. I think that I have been having a high amount of derealizations and dissociations, so that I haven't even been aware that PTSD is terrible, and that being in nonstop crisis is also terrible. That not having enough to eat is also terrible, and not being able to work is also terrible. :cry:

There are things that I don't like.

 

[bright_morning]

I think I know what you mean and do relate. My own recovery process has been one of continually, for the moment, discovering layers of PTSD and its symptoms as I become unfrozen and am no longer numb to certain things. It's very disconcerting and occasionally I sit on the edge of a depression over it because of the feeling like I am regressing.

I try to remember though, that the awareness itself is proof I am moving forward. In the distant past I was completely numb and had no sense there was anything wrong at all, but rather my symptoms were a lifestyle protected tightly by denial.

 

[AzureMind]

Nadia, first off, congrats on your academic achievements!! :tup:

Ok, diving right in now to the matter at hand; Yes, Nadia, I do think I've got an idea of what you're talking about. Living with chronic dissociative problems that are actually brought on by PTSD is rough, because the dissociation severs the link between awareness of what caused the trauma that brought on the dissociative symptoms. It's like as if the dissociation wasn't bad enough, there's coming to terms with all the reasons, and short comings that brought these issues to life, not to mention the problems with identity you can face because of dissociation.

I learned that I had spent most, (if not all) of my life in a strange fog-like world that I progressively got more deeply immersed in. I knew there was something wrong, but I felt no pain, and pain is usually an indicator that something is amiss. I learned that this pain that I've been feeling, is the pain of identity loss; feeling estranged from yourself, emotionally, mentally, and at times, physically. I learned that I could repress, and hide my true personality from abuse and unwanted experiences.

I can't speak for everyone, but I can say that these experiences made me more human in a profound way. The insight that I've gained about myself as I began to stare down these issues, and problems, is great, and probably couldn't be taught any other way. To know that you're a survivor, who has taken steps to learning the meaning of your individual life, and reclaiming it, you're more than aware; you're enlightened. Most people never find the gumption to let their emotional pain work to their favor, but if you do, the gift is self-acceptance, and transformation.

 

[Red Feather]

Thanks AzureMind! That's nice. I would write more but I am not able to connect difficult thoughts at the moment. Lol...