Things Are Getting Worse, Could This Mean A Breakthrough Is Coming?

[Eleanor]

Counsellors are a dime a dozen. There are some people who have specialized training in helping people deal with and heal from trauma. It is a specialized field. You can look at what their specialties and interests are.

 

[Eleanor]

And... there is denial - which is a kind of willful ignoring or "explaining away" of a problem in bad faith. But there is also agnosia - which is where one genuinely can't see it. My H at the start couldn't remember what had happened when he had an episode. He had a kind of hazy sense of where he'd been and what he'd done or who had been there - but he didn't remember what he said, or what others said. Which was strange because he seemed like he was "all there." But he wasn't. It gave me a lot of sympathy with people who believe in demon possession.

I was totally blind to my own forms of "crazy." And no doubt still miss stuff. But with a lot of help I'm getting a better picture and making progress. It is way more frustrating knowing...

 

[Determinedone]

@Eleanor our sons hav expressed their disappointment with their father that's another reason I've recently made some changes. About two months ago I began focusing more on them and their needs making sure they are okay. It's brought us closer together. That's one I the main reasons I'm movin forward with making sure both me and the boys are ok because your right they do need one of us to be there for them no matter what.

 

[Justmehere]

@Justmehere you may have a point. Please accept my apology. I don't mean to sound angry, and your last post explains a lot of why I'm currently dealing with. I'm actually makin same major changes in fact the last two weeks have been full of them. So hopefully this is going to change things for the better. That's actually why I posted today because I needed confirmation on a few things one more time. Thanks for listening.

Any time you need support, even if it is about the same things, you can keep reaching out here. Occasionally we all need a gentle wake up call... and sometimes, what many of us need, at one point or another, in addition to the honest advice or feedback, is to connect with people who have been through this kind of stuff. To get a reality check of sorts. It's ok to need that, one last time or many more times.

Change is really tough. That's why many people don't even try. Be kind to yourself as much as possible as you go through this. :hug:

What's the difference between a trauma specialist and a counselor?

There are therapists who have a website or psychology today listing where they list a long list of things they can treat. Everything from OCD to postpartum depression to self esteem issues. Many therapists will list PTSD on that long list of things they treat. Those therapists are usually not trauma therapists. I would avoid them. They will know something about PTSD, but could do more harm than good. For them, it's just another condition in a lost list of conditions.

A trauma therapist is someone who will really be able to sort out how to handle your husband better. To find a trauma therapist, look for one that is trained in some form of trauma therapy such as trauma focused-CBT, EMDR, exposure therapy, somatic experiencing, etc. If they are trained in any of those therapies, that is a good sign they are more skilled in understanding trauma and PTSD. When you narrow it down to a couple of therapists to calll, you can just ask them if they specialize in trauma. You can ask much experience they have had with PTSD. Therapists get these kinds of questions all the time.

 

[Mishap]

@Determinedone you'll note I stated that I might be wrong and asked forgiveness if I was. However you're in a forum of people with PTSD and that leaves some of us mistrusting. Given things at face value, I stated what it looks like to me. It was not meant to be an attack an I sincerely apologize if it came across as such.

My concern was for your husband's welfare and trying to find out if HE has ever received help. I understand the situation has not changed much, but you aren't telling us what, if anything, you are doing to help any of you. You just keep asking the same questions and getting the same answers and I'm concerned that if you and your husband don't both get therapy soon, things are going to escalate. I read all your posts because I was worried for you and your family.

I understand that sometimes we need to rehash an issue to understand it, those weren't the things I was referring to.

My concern is he's clearly very symptomatic, you're not communicating well as a couple, it's now affecting your children, and none of you can do this alone, or with each other. We can be here to listen till our monitors freeze, but ultimately we can do little to help you because your family needs more than just a friendly ear at this point.

I think @Justmehere said it best, if you keep doing what you are doing - you are going to keep getting the same results.

Something has to change in your situation, and it very well may be you and not your husband at this moment.

Again I'm sorry if I've offended, I'm just trying to help you see from a different perspective which is what you asked for!

 

[Eleanor]

It is hard to gauge tone and affect in text. That said, Determinedone... FWIW one of the things that happens to supporters is that we get angry. Justifiably so. I didn't let myself feel that anger for a long time (I'm angry at someone for something he didn't choose and can't help, how much of a jerk does that make me.?) But "shouldn't" be angry has nothing to do with IS or ISN"T angry. And people get angry when their boundaries are violated or someone knowingly hurts them. You don't have to justify anger. You are justified in feeling anger. You DO however have to decide what to DO with it. Feel it and let it pass? Go outside and kick the ball for the dog (and pretend it is someone's head). Meditate and let the universe take it back... This is a tricky skill to learn and one I did not have at all until quite recently. "Disappearing Anger" was my best trick. The problem is it Smooshes Out the cracks if you don't deal with it. I've spent a lot of time with my T on anger.

And living with someone who is doing the stuff your husband is is... Fury Inducing.

And the question of what he is and is not in control of is a very very tricky one. And I've learned, in my case, it is better to err on the side of "he can control this." Which is not my usual side of error.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't think its attention seeking behavior so much as being completely unaware of how serious this situation is. Its hard for an outsider to really understand how bad things are from an outside point of view. (I say outsider as in anyone who doesn't have PTSD themselves is indeed an outsider.)

 

[Mishap]

@Solara Thank you, that may be exactly what it is I'm seeing. The severity of the situation and how little seems to have been done over the last six months is upsetting to me.

 

[Eleanor]

It is hard to underestimate how difficult it is as a supporter to really REALLY get it through your head that There. Is. Nothing. You. Can. Do. To. Help. Particularly if you begin the process as any variety of "rescuer." Or even just a halfway decent human being. And marriage is kind of about loosening up boundaries to begin with, and, at least in my case, it was being VERY clear and VERY firm about behavioral and attitude and belief boundaries that helped my H get better. It had to ALL go back on him. And HE was committed to getting better from the first - tho I don't think either of us had any idea how deep and pervasive the issues would turn out to be. And if there were earlier traumas that got sucked into the vortex... they just make it more complicated...

 

[Determinedone]

I thank an appreciate each one of you. And yes it's is overwhelming at times but I've done all I can to encourage my husband to get help. All I've seemed to have done is push him even further away. He wants to leave so according to the therapist I need to let him go. At this point I'm focusing on our sons and myself. I'm sill in love with him and want to support him but I've got to step back and let him get help. I'm told there's nothing I can do. I've spent te last 3 years beig strong for everyone and tryig to fix things I have no power over. I love out family and my husband.... I pray he gets it together.

 

[Eleanor]

I'll add my prayers for your husband to yours. And send up a few for you and your boys too.

Hugs if you accept them @Determinedone

 

[Tinyflame]

@Determinedone , I too add my hopes for you all. :hug:

Gently I add, you can only control you, your children need you to be stable, healthy & well-balanced as possible.

Though you cannot alter your husband's perception or choices directly, how you respond can make much difference. Supporter or sufferer, our responses aren't always sane, helpful or respectful of one another. That's understandable, but not helpful.

I've found it best even as a sufferer to not view problems as just another's fault, it's a bit of a family illness I think at that point. Patience Mason has excellent writings on this. (I think this is a good one http://patiencemason.blogspot.ca/2011/05/abc-of-ideas-for-living-with-ptsd.html )

And yes, it's a very deadly disorder.