Things Are Never Going To Get Better

[Chava]

I wish I had never said anything now..

Don't let anyone hijack your post. You can post whatever you want and not have your thoughts or feelings questioned and nit-picked (how i'm seeing this thread as an outsider....challenging is one thing, hammering exhausted people and discrediting all feelings is another). Life and recovery is f*cking exhausting. That's true.

Not everything is about thoughts...though "Things are never going to get better" is worth challenging...I am usually stuck in all time (past-present-future) when I have this thought, so need to do one thing to remind myself that I am present and can move or change...like just go for a walk, anything. Recovering from rape or other trauma = largely not about thoughts. It helps me to work in terms of regulation and actions. And when I'm purely exhausted, that means rest (hard when I'm stressed or overwhelmed because then I feel trapped or can't turn off). This work makes me super effing tired too. Sometimes we don't see the compiled efforts of all of our little moments of trying until later. I think I'm actually in a phase of so many things changing that it feels worse because I don't know the territory well at all (I'm not positive that it is ultimately "worse" but it doesn't feel good). Exhausting. Hopefully you can get some rest, set it aside for a little bit, then pick up a piece or two again later. Don't quit trying. But you can feel tired.

 

[The Albatross]

If you're so inclined read "As Man Thinketh (So He is)" by James Allen before you go throwing the baby out with the bath water. There is a reason people in recovery study this as first year reading. It's called initially "acting as if"... but where the mind goes, when focused... it can and does become habit and yes, behavior.

 

[The Albatross]

Really Chava... "nit picked"? In my circle we call that "myth busting" or challenging thinking patterns... but hey... go your own way gal.

Interesting perspective to someone who challenges hoplessness and discomfort. You want it, you can keep it.

 

[FindingMyself88]

Thank you @Chava I am typically not the person to think this way. No one can be harder on me than I am myself. If "thinking differently" worked- I would be healed. I've had people shove that philosophy down my throat for too many years. My youth pastor always told me to snap out of it, that I was being like my mom. That is the WORST thing someone could ever tell me. The day I become like my mom is the day I end it all- just point blank. I refuse to treat anyone like my mother has me. My T actually tells me my problem is I fight so hard not to be like her that I become the opposite. I also have realized my relationship with my youth pastor was unhealthy. Instead of helping me, that caused me to repress my feelings and hide them for years. I am just now getting better at actually allowing myself to feel. So telling me not to listen to my feelings is telling me to repress them again.

I haven't gotten proper sleep in over a year. I'm lucky to get more than 4 hours of sleep a night. My life is literally revolving around trying to get better right now and I don't know anyone who wouldn't feel hopeless at times when they can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm doing everything I know to do and it feels like I am doomed if I do, doomed if I don't.

I have not seen my T in 4 weeks due to her being out with surgery. Sure, I was seeing her friend but thats not the same. Was suppose to see her Tuesday but got a call today that she is going to be out for at least 2 more weeks. My hyper vigilance is through the roof. I had a complete melt down in Sam's where I ended up hiding behind the buggy just because a forklift went by our aisle and honked its horn. When Bristol was able to do public access- I still had issues but they were manageable. I have been maxing out on my anxiety meds everyday this week and its not working.

So please don't tell me to just change my perspective. If that worked, there would've been no need to post. I know all about those "positive thinking" ideas and normally I do try that. But tonight I am just tired and really feeling hopeless.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I've said this before but I think it bears repeating.

I think you have a list in your head of what you want to do to get better. No fault there, as I'm sure most of us have one of those lists. So you want to get a service dog, you want to go back to school, you want to get a job. The error may not be in wanting these things, rather in wanting ALL of these things NOW. It is imperative that we watch our stress levels, and it seems to me that you're taking on a LOT of stress all at once.

Instead of thinking "oh, in order to heal I must do XYZ all right now" perhaps think "in order to heal I must do X and Y and Z in some sort of sequential order that starts to overlap as I heal".

Oh, and I forgot, you're also going through processing right now.....So can you see how you're taking on too much at once? I realize you have replied before that this is the only option for you, but somehow I think you have other options you're just not looking into.

So maybe you could support ONE dog without a job, correct? You may have to let Bristol go if you want a new dog. The truth is that you don't have a lot of money, and these dogs do indeed become a great support to us, but at the same time, if financing having more than one dog is going to hurt your recovery, it may be time to look into getting Bristol rehomed. In the service dog world it happens all the time. I think a change of perspective may do you well. Of course we bond with these animals and of course its hard to let them go. But, at the end of the day we have them because of their service capabilities.

And what happens if you go through the same scenario with your next dog and determine that she isn't fit to be a service dog either? (These are VERY real risks of training your own service dog.) That is, you don't get the benefit of having a qualified dog handed to you. Along the way you have to determine if this dog will indeed be qualified to serve your needs. And honestly, that is the bottom line. If you don't re-home these dogs, what if you end up trying to train 4 different dogs before finding the one? Animals are EXPENSIVE and while I think its great to have emotional support animals, you should perhaps look at this in terms of animals performing a function rather than becoming a pet. (Yes, a fuzzy line, but at the same time, many do not consider working dogs to be pets in that they have a function to do and if they cannot do that function, they are retired. If Bristol can't do her function for you, perhaps she should be retired to another home. I say this ONLY because having dogs puts a VERY real strain on your healing situation. Less financial issues means you don't have to push yourself so hard to work.

I think its time to start working on one or two things at a time. Become comfortable with those few things and slowly add in more. I think you've posted similarly in the past (maybe over a year ago?) having a very similar issue and I suggested taking things one step at a time. Maybe its time to do that instead of piling everything on your plate at once? Just a thought.

 

[joeylittle]

@FindingMyself88, have you ever been through a PHP or an IOP? Also, have you ever done residential treatment for PTSD?

I know sometimes I get the "it is never going to get better, why isn't it changing?" thoughts. Whenever they are persistent, and it sounds like yours are, it does indicate that there is a need to change what you are doing. Doing all the 'right' things doesn't matter if it's not working.

I also agree with @Solara in that you can and should put priority on getting your mental health rolling down the right road. Without having some improvement there, everything will continue to be hard. Your therapists' situation is unfortunate timing - which is why I'm asking whether you've done or thought about an inpatient program or day program.

@Chava's point about being in past-present-future time all at once is also a really good one. Have you ever been taught about goals, CBT-style? I would not survive if I hadn't learned how to make a daily sheet of goals. Good goals are timely, important to you, and achievable. Right now, your goals list would look like:

• get better
• get a job
• finish school
• get a new service dog

Those are honestly just way, way, way too big for someone who is struggling with their day-to-day, as you are. When I'm in the place you are at, my goals usually look like:

• some form of exercise (and I'll specify what it will be)
• some self-care thing (again, specified - so, knit 20 more rows, or read one chapter, or watch a movie)
• a task (could be one thing, like take out garbage, or a smaller step of a bigger task, like 'find all my 1099 forms' if I'm trying to do taxes)
• a task
• a task
• animal care (feeding)
• animal care (walking, or in my case, playing with for 30 minutes)

When you have an animal, you have to remember that those count as daily goals. And daily is where you need to keep your head at right now. That list, above, would be more than enough for me on a very, very bad day. And sometimes we can't get around things like "go to class" or, in my case "go to work". It's a biggie. But, if it can be on the list - like, you look at it all laid out and think "yes, I can do those things today" - it makes the day survivable.

The great thing about putting all things down and getting a leg up on your treatment, is, that the whole goal list becomes therapy, therapy, self-care, self-care, therapy. Sometimes we need those intensives, I believe that very strongly. It's not always practical to get them, but whenever possible, they can make such a big difference in managing the next 11 months of life. If that makes sense.

 

[sun seeker]

Thanks @Chava. :)

 

[MT Johnny]

This entire thread resonates for me on a really deep level. @FindingMyself88 - your life circumstance details are different than mine, and you are probably about half my age, but several of your thoughts on the prior page of this thread - about trying everything at your disposal to fix it but nothing works, and about how you have good periods then it all falls apart again, how your family just doesn't understand what you are going through - I feel like I could have written those thoughts as you expressed them verbatim. I feel for you, because I know what you are going through, and I am at the same point, where everything in life is so da##ed hard and bleak and totally F'ed it looks hopeless and overwhelming.

There is a lot of good advice and wisdom in the responses - none of which is the kind of thing I've been able to do myself - so maybe these other posters who have been there done that are on to something - because obviously the approaches you and I have used are not working.

 

[Lionheart]

@FindingMyself88 ...

I too remember a time in my life when nothing was going right and it seemed that no matter what I did it all turned to :poop: poo...

It was a difficult and challenging time in my life. I had to learn what I was feeling and to challenge all my thoughts. Especially a thought like 'things are never going to get better' ...which was a constant thought that seemed true.

Although everything is not about thoughts, thoughts can sometimes "mop us into a corner"...I discovered that "never" is an extreme word and a type of distorted thinking and so, I substituted the thought that 'things will get better eventually' and much to my surprise they did....

it took quite a while, but things did turn around. They got worse before they got better too, which was just exhausting. *(However, I am trying to offer you some hope for a better day).

I realize that sometimes life just throws us piles of poo at us and it totally sucks, so I completely empathize with your situation and do not mean to minimize your feelings in any way!!

I wish you peace, comfort, and healing.
Lion

PS: I am a little sleep deprived at the moment so I hope I came across in a kind and helpful way

 

[seedling]

When I feel tired of fighting I try to stop fighting. I ask myself if I'm "trying too hard." I think I fall in to a place where I'm just trying to push too much too fast too far.
To please others? To be "done"? I don't know, just that sometimes I feel I try too hard.

I had a difficult time finding my part time job almost three years ago now. Finances were desperate at home with the cost of my treatment. Not sure if I could work. I got a job working for a friend and it was wonderful for a while. It ended up with its own problems but I got offered another job after a year and now I'm still at that job and have finally been able to commit to full time there. Still scares me sometimes - can I keep it up?

Keep on going and things will shift and change. It's great that you are working even if you are not getting paid right now. It's a start.
Sorry you have so little support at home.

 

[FindingMyself88]

Sorry guys, I really just had to take a step back from everything. Come to find out my diabetes were out of whack which were/are contributing to my migraines and my depression. I am not allowed to drive until they get better, which it slowly is.

I am not getting rid of Bristol. She has literally saved my life before. I have no way of knowing that anyone will put up with her reactivity issues and I will not risk someone treating her badly again. Things have taken a really good turn. Someone paid for the price of my puppy and also for the plane ticket to get my puppy. As well, people are donating money for supplies. I am going with a male golden retriever from a good breeder. Another SD handler/trainer has gotten 2 puppies from her for SD and show dog work and they are doing great. I fly out to pick him up May 9th.

My trainer is slowly getting to the point she will be able to pay me soon. Still struggling, especially with being house bound right now. But having the puppy to look forward to training really helps.