Things only get worse, never better.

[Friday]

I found out last night that, while I was over here, my ex-wife told my mother that I was planning to murder her and my dad and that
believed her.

I give up. I will see my kids on Saturday and then I'm cashing in my chips. f*ck all of this.

So what you’re saying is you got out safe & the adrenaline crash has you all moody & feelings & snappy & believing bullshit?

Sleep. Eat something. Get laid. Not necessarily in that order.

Everything is temporary.

Believing 3rd & 4th hand stories of being betrayed? We’ll chalk up temporary stupid.

Demob motherf*cker. Don’t just jump right back into real life, unless you wanna f*ck up real life. Sleep the clock around, bare minimum. Hot water & soap. Good food. Sex. Sleep some more. Train for at least a day or three. Shake out the jangles.

 

[gorgonzola]

Could you at least launch a slander suit and ask your kids if they'd be ok with it first?

 

[Paladin_141]

If I had actually been paid for that last job I'd be hitting every brothel in town like a viking raid to take this out of me.

I'm sure there's a song in there somewhere.

I've already emailed my solicitor to tell them about this. I'll ask about the possibility of action for Defamation in the morning.

The court and social work have also been informed. If she's gone off the deep end like this, who knows what else she might do to try to hurt me. I'm not sure the kids are safe.

I miss the war already. I wish my life were a little less like a badly-written soap opera.

All I have ever really wanted was a bit of adventure, romance and to be as sure as possible that I was one of the Good Guys.

I've got three days until my border crossing. I'm going to spend those in the city where I arrived in-country. Seems fitting. I'm going to walk. A lot. Maybe get a beer, since that's legal this far from the front and I won't have to pay bootlegger prices.

I just...I just want things to not he awful.

I mean, I was a sex toy for most of my childhood, so you'd think it'd be all uphill from there, wouldn't you? How much more 'down' can there even be...?

 

[Movingforward10]

The kids are the only something. They're the only good things that have ever happened to me.

Keep holding on to this 'something'. Children are a massive massive reason to stay alive. It's so very hard to hold on to the reasons when in this state, because the reasons seem so 'little' compared to the intensity of all the other stuff. But it is actually the other way round. If that makes sense.

I mean, I was a sex toy for most of my childhood, so you'd think it'd be all uphill from there, wouldn't you? How much more 'down' can there even be...?

Becasue all that crap from childhood is spilling out now. In the messy, crashing and burning way that childhood trauma does.
It truly is painful and awful and horrendous.
A lot of us on here can relate.

Do you have any therapeutic support at the moment? Or are you navigating all this on your own?

 

[Paladin_141]

Always alone.

Well, gad counselling for various work things and mentioned.it to them, but it doesn't help.

 

[Movingforward10]

Has anything helped before?

Doing all this alone is really tough. Some people on here manage that. I know I would struggle more than I am if I didn't have my therapist, and also the people around me.

What helps you to calm yourself? Exercise? Breathing?

 

[Paladin_141]

Nicotine, alcohol, tea and trees. Also hugs. Having someone's hair to stroke.

Or bloody mayhem.

I'm pretty easy to calm down if I can get any of those things. Currently smoking and waiting for a bar to open.

One of the real tragedies of my life is how incredibly mellowIand friendly I am in real life when people aren't deliberately being awful to me on a personal level. The guys here call me 'Hippy', for crying out loud. I should be floating through life on a cloud of flowers, soreading peace and love wherever I go, not...this frantic, desperate mess.

 

[Rose White]

Did you talk to your mom?

 

[Paladin_141]

Yes. I might never do so again.

She now denies that she ever believed it, but that's not what she said last night. Every time she tries to start a conversation I just send her a screenshot.

I will not forgive this.

 

[Paladin_141]

Ugh. I suppose this explains why my parents won't let me stay with them when I come back.

I'm lying in a hostel here, enjoying my last couple of nights in a real bed. Come Sunday I'm on the streets and I bugged out so quickly that I don't even have my sleeping bag.

Still got that rope, though.

Actually,you know something really perverse? My favourite childhood fantasy.

Death by firing squad.

It seemed so appealing, you know? Tied to a stake, relieved of the obligation to attempt to escape or fight back, with the people who were going to hurt me forced to look me in the eye as they did it. Even the cigarette seemed appealing, though I had no idea what they tasted like.

I wonder, if I ran through the streets shouting that I was an enemy spy, would they oblige? Probably not, since we're the Good Guys. Shame.

 

[Survivor3]

@Paladin_141 dude, your one of the good guys and you can handle this. I know its hard right now. Brutal in fact. And I'm not going to be disrespectful and pretend that I know or understand what your going through. Your a professional soldier so that part you can do with your eyes shut. It's the personal family stuff that's cutting you up. The ex wife etc... just do what you can right now to get back to your kids. Try and get somewhere to live then re-evaluate. Short term goals to get you through the next few days.

People here really care about you. It's evident. S3.

 

[Paladin_141]

I'm just tired. And cold. And broke. I spent my last big chunk of money on my favourite pizza in a bar I used to haunt when I first arrived here. My smile waitress wasn't there, sadly, but I got enough calories to live a few more days.

I think I have what the guys here call 'trench cough'. It's persistent, agonising, loud and embarrassing now that I'm back West. All the civvies look at me like I'm about do a John Hurt. Doesn't help that, because I've come from the front, my kit is a bit of a mess and I'm wearing my old A2 flying jacket over my combats because my warm coat got left behind. I'm getting a lot of smirks and glares. I look like something out of the wrong war.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I'm sick. I have a fever on top of everything else and not even a pretty nurse to tend to me. I have two days here then a two-day odyssey back to where used to be home.

What I would be.saying if I could keep my thoughts organised is that I haven't the strength to deal with any of this anymore. I'm just going to lie here and cry until it all goes away or I do.