Things only get worse, never better.

[Paladin_141]

The ex is refusing to let the kids come .and see me. She has no legal rights, so I have informed the court, the police and social work.

I came so close to ending it all tonight. I haven't had some sort of epiphany or something; I still want to. I just chicken out for the same reason every time : I'm lonely. Always have been. Every day of my life.

I don't want to die lonely. I want someone to be there, to know what I did and why and not hate me for it.

I nearly died of hypothermia, once, in the British Army. A female Signaller stayed with me as I lay in the snow, grinning and mumbling about how pretty the full moon looked, and the pipe trees and the little flakes floating down from them.

She sat with me, rubbed me to try to warm me up, and soothed me. None of it was sexual in anyway, I feel I need to add. Just a pretty girl keeping me company while I died a happy death.

I want that again. But no last minute rescue, this time.

 

[Rose White]

I don't want to die lonely. I want someone to be there, to know what I did and why and not hate me for it.

I hope you get someone to be with you there, who understands, who reminds you that you belong to this universe.

 

[Friday]

my own personal suicide rules?

- If I’m going to die it HAS TO be doing something useful, and preferably in place of someone else. It’s also not allowed to be stupid. That just gets other people killed, or, ain’t being useful to begin with.

- Before dying I have to be willing to give up / change EVERYTHING. Walk away from my life, and everyone/everything in it. I’d lose it all if I died, anyway, so if I’m not willing to give any single piece of my life up? I don’t actually want to die. I want to be in less pain, or to sleep, or a thousand other wrong things right. My black & white extremist little brain has just supplied the most extreme answer, to the current problem. Simple solutions? I’m. Great. At. (Not entirely dissimilar to wanting to burn the world down. Not gonna do that, either. Seriously want to, some times.). I HAVE walked away from my life, a couple few times, and each time? Shit got better. I went back and got the pieces of my life I actually care about, once I’d unf*cked myself. Mostly.

- If my death hurts? Die better. If my life hurts? Live better.



Plus like 2 or 3 things that always flitter away when I’m trying to write the f*ckers out.



Basically? My suicide “plan” is one great big delaying action. Because the first time I was suicidal as f*ck? I tried to get myself killed for YEARS. Quite simply didn’t occur to me, not to act on what I felt. But I kept running into all these… complications. I didn’t survive by any kind of skill. Pure damn luck. But all of my BEST memories/parts of my life? Came AFTER I spent a significant portion of my energy trying to off myself, get myself taken out. Practically the moment I decided to live? Pfft. Almost died. Like damn near, spent several minutes “dead” nearly died. Life is like that. You don’t want to live, or don’t care if you live or die? You’re almost immortal. You want to live? A feather could kill you. f*cking contrary as hell, this life, thing.

 

[Paladin_141]

I hope you get someone to be with you there, who understands, who reminds you that you belong to this universe.

I really don't, though. Never did. I want to see them before I go, though.

I don't care about being useful or anything like that. The universe hates me and I just want out. I need to get out.

 

[Teal]

I promise your children will be forever grateful if you stay with us.

 

[Paladin_141]

They won't even know one way or the other.

Nobody actually cares, except in the sort of abstract 'death is bad, mmkay?' kind of way. Nobody has ever actually come and helped me with anything. I've had plenty of 'oh, yeah, go you!' but that's as far as it ever went. It's only ever really been me, alone, against a world that actively hates me.

I know that the right thing to do is to end it now, but I'm too weak. I wish someone else would come and finally help me out. That's all I ask now; just let me out. Please.

 

[Teal]

I don’t doubt anything about how cruel and unrelenting it sounds for you.

I know that even if the entire world hated you, your kids would still be on your side.

I don’t mean it to guilt you- I just know it deep within my bones. To everyone else, my dad is very easy to criticise, and he never had custody of me, but to me he is the most important person in my life.

Please keep going for them.

 

[Paladin_141]

They don't have that choice. The legal system is against me because I'm male. Neither I nor the children will be protected by it.

 

[Movingforward10]

I wish someone else would come and finally help me ou

The ultimate person to come and rescue.
It's a crushing realisation that the only person able to rescue is yourself. Because that takes so so so much work and when you're in this head space, that feels impossible.

But, look at what you have survived already.
Something has stopped you from killing yourself so far. And I hear hope in what you write. Hope for something better and different.

There are some cognitive distortions that you have (the world is against me talking). That may truly feel like it but those are beliefs. And maybe there are some glimmers of hope you can hold on to? For example, we on here are all in the world and we don't hate you. We are all engaging with you, a stranger in the internet, because we care and don't want you to kill yourself and want your life to feel more bearable.
A lot of us have also been suicidal to varying degrees (active plans to more passive thoughts etc). . So we understand.

Keep fighting.

 

[Paladin_141]

There is no hope. I'd be mad to think there was at this point. It's been proven again and again that nothing gets better.

I've spent my whole life rescuing other people but nobody has ever come through for me. They never will.

My problems are not in my head; they are real, external, independent of me but always deliberately inflicted by others.

Weakness has kept me alive thus far. I will overcome that, though.

 

[Rose White]

Just want to let you know that so many of us know in our bones how you feel. Some of us on here feel that way too right now—praying to a non-existent deity, begging, to be released from this prison of existence. I have children and I understand the feeling of “saving them from my wretched self.” Many of us understand the “too weak to do it.” It’s a terrible headspace to be in, the grinder.

It’s not fair that we give so much and are dropped. It’s not fair that as kids some of us were sex toys for adults who should have protected us. All of that is terrible and unacceptable.

Just want to say that many of us here get it. And some of us are in that very same boat as you right now. It’s terrible but it is the legacy of cruelty. For better or worse, you belong to this island of misfits now—us broken down and misshapen folks who keep foolishly trying to get better (and sometimes feeling joy in spite of ourselves)—do what you want with that.

 

[Paladin_141]

I understand.

But there is no chance that it will ever not be like this. So what choice do I have? Carrying on would be literally insane.
I went to so much effort to get out alive and get home to see them. All for nothing, because of one evil, spiteful woman.

If there is any justice in the world, she will feel a thousand time this until the end of time.