General Things To Know When Dealing With PTSD (As a Carer)

[Rapala]

Ok this answers alot for me. One question, Is it ok for my husband to move out while he is going to therapy or will this just make it easier for him to quit the marriage?

 

[LostnLonely]

Hello all. I am new to this forum and am so appreciative of those who founded it. Thank you.

Nicolette, you are a genius. I have spent this entire day (categorized as "hell") reading this thread. I've learned so much from both the suffers' and the carers' angles. Thank you all.

I myself am a carer and in a very, very bad situation right now. This is the 2nd time that I moved in with my BF and this is the 2nd time that he has turned into a man that I don't even know. This time, just like last time, I've been in his house for a few weeks before receiving an ultimatum to leave. Name calling has escalated to threats. I love him dearly, which is why I gave up everything after having moved to a different state to come back to him.

Earlier in this thread someone asked how to handle a sufferer when he/she is in a mood. I'm starting to learn the signs from my bf- he stays up late, drinks a lot, swims around the house like a piranha, and accuses me of being off-standish. I am unable to be affectionate toward a man who yells at me for everything. Blames me for everything. Calls me names. And, as of last night, threatened my life. I really do love the guy I fell in love with but not the guy that is a mean bully.

He spent over 7 yrs in theatre and came back 2 mos ago because his blood pressure was elevated. Otherwise, we saw each other a couple of weeks every 3 - 4 mos. Maybe I was just too in love to realize what was going on before and now I do that we're together 24/7 (since I'm unemployed)? He calls me a worthless, pathetic loser, etc but I moved here for him and the job market sucks. I even pay him rent, buy my own food, etc. He rants that I "never do anything". Has anyone ever heard that before? I really am doing as much as I can and have had to cease my hobbies to save money.

Thanks again. Sorry for the long post. I am scared and really, really need help.
Thanks for reading this,
C-

 

[No Folded Hands]

I feel kind of 'silly' to say it but would add (by my experience)
4) (Like #8) I may have it mastered to look like nothing bothers me or I don't care but I'm not trying to 'look' any particular way and I'm probably a ball of emotions.

I'm sure someone has a better way of describing that!

How about: "I have gotten very good at appearing like nothing gets to me, or whatever is happening now hasn't gotten to me, as part of my coping and self control efforts --but I may be unaware that I seem completely cool, and in reality my emotions are either seething or at the boiling point." Now someone just edit it for length, please...I can;t manage it at the moment.

Haven't been able to read whole thread, just 1st and last page. Like Jestadud, I find it getting to me. Unfortunately, it freaks me out to see things listed that I know are part of my own struggle/behavior/symptomology. Not sure why, as hearing from other vets disabled with PTSD that some freaky reaction I have, they do also, has always been reassuring. Perhaps it is just seeing that other people have noticed this stuff to this amount of detail feels ... unsafe? Yes, that's it. Unsafe, like y'all know all about me even when I'd prefer to be less transparent. Now that's something to think about.

 

[Nicolette]

you mean PTSD Sufferer would say things to push carer away?

Correct - they are more likely to push away those closest to them as it is harder for them to deal with a relationship which has emotional involvement so it is easier to distance themselves.

A perfect example is when off color Anthony will hardly talk to me and even avoid rooms I am in yet if a stranger came to the door he would happily chat away to them. There is generally no consequence when a Sufferer deals with someone who is not a part of their life versus someone who is.

 

[Nicolette]

Perhaps it is just seeing that other people have noticed this stuff to this amount of detail feels ... unsafe? Yes, that's it. Unsafe, like y'all know all about me even when I'd prefer to be less transparent. Now that's something to think about.

It should actually be re-assuring since we are on your side and if we can recognize these things and in the right context their is less likelihood of it being an issue when instead it can be understood. Don't forget that while you hurt we do too - just in different ways from watching you suffer or from the PTSD symptoms impacting on us. :rolleyes:

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Folded Hands, yes, you are right, sometimes 'seething' but often sad or terrified or affected by whatever is going on (like not crying, etc). Yes, it is an 'unsafe feeling'.

I sometimes wonder, if ptsd manifested itself originally because of that very fact- I know I certainly 'appeared' resilient as I fell apart in private. It was just 'too burdensome' to fall apart, if you know what I mean.

 

[Tinyflame]

How about: "I have gotten very good at appearing like nothing gets to me, or whatever is happening now hasn't gotten to me, as part of my coping and self control efforts --but I may be unaware that I seem completely cool, and in reality my emotions are either seething or at the boiling point." .

Dear No Folded Hands, I went through the + + 'anger' part 25+ years ago, now I'm just a mess, lol. But similarly, yes, you're right. It feels frightening and unsafe, and I guess a good example of just-because-you-say-it-doesn't-affect-you-doesn't-make-it-at-all-true, -some 'coping', eh? :(

 

[No Folded Hands]

Junebug, I think actually it's confusing for some when I say something is bothering or has bothered me, but to them I look totally unmoved. They just haven't seen the consequences of zero-to-fifty no problem-to-rage lol!

Nicolette, you're not wrong, but I beleive to me it feels more like a psychological version of a physical breach of my perimeter. I don't know you--not you personally, but whoever I suddenly find out knows how this works and therefore what is going on inside my head at the moment, who is also not another vet because I have a strong tendency to trust vets further than nonvets--so it's terrifying that you know me to such an extent. It's like...uh...What part of the protective barricades do I need to reinforce? How did they get in?

This is the first I've seen something liek this, so perhaps the initial response has a lot to do with the normal PTSD-mediated initial fight or flight response to ANY perceived danger and will pass in time.

 

[Tinyflame]

This is the first I've seen something liek this, so perhaps the initial response has a lot to do with the normal PTSD-mediated initial fight or flight response to ANY perceived danger and will pass in time.

Dear No Folded Hands, -yes 0-to-50, so true! Good for you that you can even try to explain it, I just realized today my regret is that I can't, and end up hurting others.

Yes, you may have something there- my 'flight' response is one of the most difficult things to deal with. And I don't 'do' minimal avoidance- I'm most tempted to take the "TRANS-ATLANTIC Flight", -:eek:, - lol

 

[Nicolette]

This is the first I've seen something liek this, so perhaps the initial response has a lot to do with the normal PTSD-mediated initial fight or flight response to ANY perceived danger and will pass in time.

Great analysis and honesty! Good work! :tup:

 

[Christopherhg]

Very good points.

Definitely give the sufferer a hobby. My girlfriend does origami and it really helps her out when she is stressed.

 

[Dhammond]

My wife has ptsd and i am trying to learn how i can help her with it. Sometimes when she has an episode and starts to 'vent' it comes across in an angry way and becomes about me and what i may not do right. I try to listen as long as i can but eventually become defensive and it doesnt go well. how can i resist becoming defensive and just let her vent no matter what she says? Cuz i know she doesnt really mean everything she says or want to hurt me but in the moment it is hard to remind myself of that. I welcome any tips anyone might have.