General Things To Know When Dealing With PTSD (As a Carer)

[PatienceIsEverything]

I think you had better make that call (as to what to do). I know some have been annoyed in the past by texts. But you know him much better than anyone here. Make your best call and be satisfied that you did your best! Nothing more can ever be reasonably asked of you...

Thank you for your help and advice! I'm sorry that it has taken so long to respond, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm still hanging in there :). I only text or call every now and then just to show that I'm still around when he's ready to come around again, but it's weird because some days he won't text back at all, and others I can't get him to stop texting!

He never texts or calls me first though, and I can count on one hand how many times I've called him. When I do call, however, he seems genuinely happy to talk to me, and fills me in on everything I've missed. And I'm usually the one to end the phone call, just so he doesn't get overwhelmed. I haven't talked to him since last Saturday, and the last time he responded to a text was last Sunday, so now I'm just waiting him out again....I have the utmost respect and admiration for those affected by PTSD as well as those caring for the sufferers...it's a difficult road to take.

I have to be honest, though: I'm still unsure as to whether he's suffering from PTSD or if he just doesn't want to be bothered with me....I know he goes through bouts of depression, and he told me that he was in a dark place a few years ago that he's trying not to go back to. He also told me that he tries not to bring combat stuff home, but it tends to seep through anyway. This change in his attitude seemed to happen overnight, but he says it was a gradual process. He seems like a totally different person, and I've known him for 10 years, so I would know.

Even when I talk to him and he seems happy, he still sounds different, like he's faking it. He sounds flat and emotionless. When he first shut down, he told me that he was emotionally numb, so I'm assuming that he still is...it's just painful to not know what to do for him, if I can do anything at all. But, at the same time, I don't want to be "the friend that can't take a hint" if he really just doesn't want to be bothered with me....

I'm sorry for the long response! I just needed to get that out! :) Again, thanks for everything!

 

[BigBear]

You know, many sufferers had lock away their emotions to survive. That doesn't mean that they don't have them. They just can't express them normally. They know that we expect the emotions so they fake them for us.

The thing is, if they didn't care, then they wouldn't bother...

Bear

 

[PatienceIsEverything]

I've been telling myself the same thing: that he must care in some form or fashion to even take the time to talk to me when he does.....I'm just going to be patient with him and hope for the best....thank you so much for all of your help; it has given me a lot of insight and perspective.

 

[Pookie]

Thank you everyone.

My sufferer is falling apart these days after a big geographical relocation. He's having an affair, leaving, committing suicide going off somewhere I won't find him — his idea of the solution depends on the moment; after years in therapy, he's got no confidence in that any more, and is in real psychological freefall. . . . but he is still talking to me when he does, so that's something.

Combat PTSD, the gift that keeps on giving. Just glad to know you are all out there. Wishing everyone well.

 

[HorseChick]

One thing I've learned from my C-PTSD husband is:

Do not stand within swinging distance when I wake him up.

 

[Trembling]

Walk on eggshells, BUT sometimes use the freaking eggs and throw them at something/someone!!!

 

[MTravis86]

If they are your ex and you still have to communicate- what is some good advise on how to handle out of the blue rants 2am on text?

 

[amethist]

If you can I would turn your phone off or turn it onto silent so it does not disturb your sleep.

He has some issues he needs to deal with on his own, not take it out of you at such an un earthly hour.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

These are just some things we've experienced:


It really helps when my husband points out my all or nothing thinking, like when I'm in a depressed mood and I say that something is always this way or never that way. He reminds me gently of the good things and tells me that the only thing he ever sees wrong with me is that I constantly search for things to find wrong with myself. When he says, "I'm concerned that you aren't seeing or remembering the good things that are in the present....", it doesn't upset me. This may not be the case for all sufferers, but it really helps me come back to reality and put things back into perspective because often, my mind will wander into negativity. I often describe it as a hamster on a wheel in my head lol

It helps me tremendously when he tries to understand that when I'm sharing trauma memories, it's best to just listen and acknowledge me by nodding or verbally stating, "uh huh". He has learned that as a man, his innate urge to solve a problem and fix it for me does not apply here unless I ask him for his opinion and thoughts after I have gotten it all out.

It really helps when he doesn't try to change so much of himself to accommodate my PTSD. For me personally, the consistency of him being himself helps me stay in reality more and helps me to fight through the healing process so I don't take it out on him as much.

It is helping a lot recently that I told my husband that I am aware of how I criticize him a lot or display childish/ mildly abusive behavior and asking him to stand up for himself and set boundaries because sometimes I don't know when I'm doing it. He has practiced this and it has made a world of a difference because I know that I have no right to be this way toward him even if I am suffering.

It really helps when my husband tells me that he appreciates the little things that I do around the house because so often, even though I do a lot, I still think that I'm not good enough. When he tells me that he appreciates it, it really makes me feel loved and adored.

It really helps me that when I'm dissociating, my husband gently says things like "Honey, did you go somewhere?" This is my cue to tell him yes and he respectfully doesn't put it under a magnifying glass after that because he knows it will only make it worse and harder for me to come back to reality. If he does put a magnifying glass on it, guilt adds to the PTSD cup, and I beat myself up for dissociating because I tell myself that I am bad for doing it, or that I'm hurting his feelings and it's not right, etc.

It really helps when I am "making a mountain out of a mole hill" so to speak, or when something seems like it's coming from left field when I'm trying to explain a hurt feeling to my husband, he patiently waits the time it takes for me to explain what I really mean". Sometimes, I didn't mean anything, but my head will concoct calamity when non exists. Instead of blaming or trying to figure out what happened, we both apologize and laugh about how it was just an episode, and then he reminds me that everything is okay; that there is nothing wrong with our relationship. THIS HELPS ME A LOT! Even when I am in the wrong, it helps me come back to reality quicker and apologize for it.


I would like to re-emphasize the importance of not enabling us. This only makes things worse and allows us to take a mile when you give us an inch. We don't mean to, but we will if you allow us to. Yes, we are working diligently on that too, but it's vital that you set boundaries so we don't walk all over you.

 

[Bilby]

I'm new here, but this thread has proven to be a wealth of information - thanks to everyone who has contributed.

There are so many things that have been said here that I can relate to, and so many things that I quite simply, had never thought of. I have had many "ah ha!" moments, many "that's exactly how I feel" and many many more "my husband does that/is like that too" moments.

That said, I really think that I have a lot to learn if I'm going to be a half-decent support person. I need to educate myself as best I can to try and understand my husband better. Problem is, I only know certain details about the traumatic events he has experienced - he just hasn't shared a great deal of information about them to date, and if he has, I think I haven't understood the full impact that they have had on him.

Selfishly though, I do wonder who supports the support person (due to my own depression/anxiety issues). I want to be able to help my husband as I love him to bits, but what do you do when they aren't available and you need someone?

 

[amethist]

You come here Bilby and pour your heart out, knowing that there will be someone along in a short while who will understand exactly what you are feeling at that moment.

Most of us have prbably got so many t shirts we could open a store.

Its not easy and no one will pretend it is, but it can be done with a lot of patience.

Keep posting and asking questions, one day it will becaome second nature to be able to deal with all the issues.

 

[loyaltojesus]

3) My sufferer can't forgive people easily when they don't live up to his very high expectations. He can't understand why his high expectations are 'wrong'. But he can't see that it is ok to expect a lot of people, but people make mistakes, and those mistakes are not a personal attack on him.

This is the best wording I may have ever seen for this. I just recently told my husband that no one can ever live up to his unrealistic expectations, and he is a hypocrite because he does a lot of those same things himself. Yet then complains about other people doing the same thing he does. I expected an explosive response, but it actually went well. I texted it to him after an argument we had. But his expectations of others, and especially ME, are ridiculous!!!