General Things To Know When Dealing With PTSD (As a Carer)

[Taven Carlsen]

... video games ...

Apparently playing Tetris keeps you from going (as) crazy during trauma. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tetris#Effect_of_Tetris_on_the_brain

 

[Serasen]

I hope I am not re-posting something someone else may have said, but here are some things I have learned in the 6 years with my husband:

-When you do have an argument, try not to use terms like "never, always, everything, nothing"

-A person with ptsd often feels a lack of control over their feelings and emotions so having control over a few little things is helpful. ie. I hardly ever touch the remote and I don't mess with his organized clutter lol

-His sense of pride and purpose a lot of times depends on his ability to contribute to our financial well-being so even if he has to work for pennies at home, let him do it if it's something he enjoys.

-Unless he's verbally told you it's ok, don't touch the head or face and try not to put your arms around him, it's constraining and can cause an unwanted reaction.

-If you say you are going to do something, do it. Trust is not easy to someone like that, and the smallest let down can trigger a mistrust that is hard to build back up.

-No matter how much he loves you, if you are a civilian and he has combat ptsd there might be things he might not ever feel ok with talking to you about.

-Sometimes after all the harsh words and insults it is hard to forgive and move on, if his way of saying I'm sorry is a hug try not to pull away from that. He is trying.

-Never, ever think that it is okay to "say your piece" if he has said out loud "please stop talking, I can't take anymore".

-Enjoy the good times, the emotionally warm times. Try to remember those times when it gets rough.

 

[BigBear]

Thanks Serasen!

You've encouraged me to post here...

Here's something that I've wondered about, but just figured out. I'm sure it is well known fact. LOL!

I've always wondered why I can't help my wife the way a therapist does. So now it's me in the therapy. The therapist is asking me things that my wife has asked me. But T is getting much different and much deeper answers.

So the answer that I'm coming up with is this:

The relationship between my wife and I has lots of history, lots of coping mechanisms. We have a wonderful relationship, but the paths that my mind will go through with her are not really open. My T and I have no such built in blinders. Therefore, my mind is able to exercise a far greater lattitude.

So, if all of this is true, then it can also apply to anyone that you have history with. History enough to trust. Ain't life a kick in the pants. Additionally, I can imagine that if you were with your T for too long, history would develop there and you would become less open.

HTH,

Bear

 

[PatienceIsEverything]

Wow...I'm brand new to this forum but have learned so much already! I appreciate all of you for taking the time to post your experiences, because I thought I was going to go out of my mind for a second. From what I've read, I handled my friend's request for space all wrong, simply because I couldn't understand it. He made it clear that I wasn't the reason behind his need for space, but I kept trying to figure out what I did wrong.

And I couldn't figure out why sometimes he would respond to my texts, but other times he wouldn't, especially not any sweet "thinking of you" type of messages. It's hard, but I'll do my best not to contact him *sigh*
It's just so hard to do when we used to talk every single day, all day long....:(

Your postings are really giving me insight though--thanks so much!

 

[BigBear]

PatienceIsEverything,

It's a very common mistake. No one is going to blame you. The thing to do now is to learn from your mistake.

If there is ever a convenient chance, let him know that you are sorry that you intruded and that you are not offended. It's fairly likely that he thinks you are offended. That's just part of the PTSD. But then you just have to sit back and wait for him...

Bear

 

[Tinyflame]

It's fairly likely that he thinks you are offended. That's just part of the PTSD.

That's very true.

 

[PatienceIsEverything]

Thank you for your advice Bear. Would you recommend that I send my apology via text in a way that doesn't require a response? I don't want to intrude on him, but at the same time I want him to know that I've gained a little understanding of what he's going through.

 

[BigBear]

PatienceIsEverything (hoping you don't mind if I call you PIE),

I think you had better make that call (as to what to do). I know some have been annoyed in the past by texts. But you know him much better than anyone here. Make your best call and be satisfied that you did your best! Nothing more can ever be reasonably asked of you...

Bear

PS: (((((Bear Hugs for you PIE)))))

 

[timetorecover]

I am a sufferer. My husband does not understand PTSD and has not tried to. I am considerate to his ignorance about this illness and have tried to explain how my symptoms manifest in our relationship. I realise i can be the ultimate bitch about minor things. I see how things that stress me, trigger my behaviour.

The point I am trying to make is that I have learnt to see it myself. Taken responsibility for my behaviour and realised how difficult it must be to live and care for someone with PTSD, let alone "support" them.

I often feel guilty that I have this illness and how it effects everyone around me. I wonder what damage this has done to my kids...

I just need to accept what is...

 

[timetorecover]

Thank you for your advice Bear. Would you recommend that I send my apology via text in a way that doesn't require a response? I don't want to intrude on him, but at the same time I want him to know that I've gained a little understanding of what he's going through.

I think that having things written down for me helps me to process things mentally and think about my response first. Not always practical but if given the option I would take a text before a phone call!!

 

[p-no]

I too am intermittently telling my love these things, and I do not get a response either, however I do think there's more good than harm. (...) I'd love to hear perspectives from sufferers as to whether they prefer to hear words of appreciation from time to time, or if they would rather be left completely alone for long periods of time. What would ultimately help more in the long run?

Hello Cyanide,

For me, that's not a question of either/or, but a combination of both, the famous shades of grey. I have PTSD (edited since C-PTSD is not formally recognized in diagnostic systems such as DSM and ICD) and I do like texts that say I love you, or Thinking of You, etc. Maybe not too many since I want to be sure that you as the sender really feels what you are texting me and if I got 10 texts a day saying I love you, etc., I'd doubt that (just because you must have to do other stuff than think of me all the time :D).

However, I also often need time alone; but I will actually say this and I will also say for how long. I will for example say: I'm going for a walk and will be back by 7 pm. If I'm not back by then, I will let my partner know. Also, when I withdraw, I withdraw. Has nothing to do with my partner, just me. But again I can say that I need to withdraw. What some partners seem to have trouble with is that they fear their partner with PTSD will not return? Well, I always return. I think I have found a good balance.

What would help more in the long run? First, there is no such thing as a very "long run" in my world. It's important to be here and now, and planning or dreaming into the future is not healthy for me, partly for distraction of the mind to something that might not even happen, and if I get my hopes up, I'll be disappointed which adds to my pain. If there's something I do not want any more of, it's pain. Partly, it does not make sense to me to plan ahead a lot. My traumas have proved to me that you can plan and dream and hope as much as you like, it may all come about differently.

Shades of grey are important, and a core self in you as my partner.

p-no

 

[Tinyflame]

Very well said p-no.