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Think I've just buggered it up.

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Anger that big, that suppressed - it never comes out in a pretty, well-spoken, diplomatic sort of way.
I don't think it has been suppressed. Her comment "you've never liked me" indicates the visibility. I've complained about her ever since I was allowed to have friends. I've complained about her to therapists, who have introduced me to the idea of narcissism. I've done my best to be calm and reasoned with her, but the fear and the need to escape has frequently made me cut short time with her.

I am sorry @Sideways that you have had to pick up this burden when you've lost someone so important to you

you have my very sincere condolences
Thank you, that, and your unpacking of its meaning is valuable to me.

sounds like she is quite fearful of her own situation. I think it's likely she's thinking about the accommodation problem and her own predicament
This was only about her having four hours a week of domestic support, to do the jobs she is too infirm to manage consistently. She lives in a detached house we own that shares a garden with ours. I think the problem is that she would have to pay herself, and she only likes to save.

As only parents who are self-absorbed to such levels can do, she may ignore what you've told her. What will you feel then?
That would be the dream outcome. Through a night of little sleep I have been comforting myself with that idea. It would be quite characteristic of her, so there is some hope.

striking out at you emotionally because she's feeling vulnerable.
it was only ever my responsibility for their emotional balance
And that is the great fear. Both my parents needed to put bad feelings outside themselves, so I was wrong at frequent but unpredictable moments. Even now, I believe I am responsible for maintaining everyone's emotional equilibrium. I know it, but I don't stop. I think this is a big enough issue that she will need to turn it on me.
she couldn't actually, really HURT me in any way that counted.
She can. She holds all the power, because I believe her.

Now she gets to buck up and work with you through this.
I don't think she has any idea of how, or that anything might be expected of her. I've tried to play in my mind how I'd respond if my child told me this. The sentences are all about "You". The only time the "I"comes in is apology and asking what I can do.

Ironically, I felt I had to let my sibling abuser know I had told his secret. His response was "What can I do to support you?". But it's over 20years since he and I tackled this and he spent years in therapy. I am afraid that this will have repercussions in his life too. He wants to talk today, but I can only manage text.

They were only worried about what they want. My life experience is so far outside their realm of possibility they cannot extend their imagination so far
Except that she confirmed another thing I've always suspected - she was abused too. But that was framed as an attack on my inadequacy, which I'm already well aware of.

I shouldn't be surprised at any of her response, it was all just as I'd expect. I just feel devastated that I've been so stupid as to expose myself to it.
 
She holds all the power, because I believe her.
If her holding the power hinges on you believing her, then YOU actually have a lot of power. You can create a different belief system. One that doesn't allow her power over you.

I was luckier than a lot of you. My mother gave up on me early and I wasn't important enough to her that she really wanted me in her daily life. I think I avoided a lot of the drama because of that. She wanted me around when and for what reasons she did, but I wasn't suitable for her purposes, so we had a pretty distant relationship. Besides, she had my brother. Their relationship was more suitable to her purposes. In the end, what worked for me, was to think of her as some old lady who was difficult, but she was just some lady who lived in the neighborhood when I was growing up. That's kind of accurate. LOL I didn't actually HAVE to give her any more importance that that. I'd be polite. I'd be helpful. I cared what happened to her. I'd have felt the same way about anyone. I know she'd have been happier if I'd have played along, like she wanted, but
needed to put bad feelings outside themselves, so I was wrong at frequent but unpredictable moments.
that was true for her too. I hate the whole randomly "being WRONG" thing. I just quit playing that game, once I realized it wasn't any fun and refusing to play was an option.
 
The fact that I can't think and respond like that is a clear indication of my failure. and the fact that I am writing that indicates my self-indulgence.

I have to wait, and try to find a way to minimise the harm I've done. My brother thinks our mother is likely to say something, so he needs to tell his wife. One of my lomg term objectives was to protect her - she didn't need to know about who he used to be, because he isn't that person now. It will hurt her, and she is innocent in all this.

I'm very tired and even though all my doors are locked I'm anxious and on edge about what might be coming at me.
 
My brother thinks our mother is likely to say something, so he needs to tell his wife.

Don't wish to be intrusive Sandstone but what has your mother got to gain from speaking to your brother's wife? She'd know how much damage could happen.

I mean if she does speak out of turn doesn't she know that she is risking losing both you and your brother and any grandchildren, extended family etc.,

Maybe you have more power than you think.

Maybe you ought to say to her that she needs to keep your confidence and not divulge what you've told her to anyone or she may not enjoy so much alone time.. Idk.. maybe your brother could tell her that too. Just so she know's you are in agreement about what should happen with this information.
 
The fact that I can't think and respond like that is a clear indication of my failure. and the fact that I am writing that indicates my self-indulgence.
I suppose that's one possibility. Another possibility is that I'm a cold blooded, heartless bastard. (That's been mentioned as a possibility.) I think there's a range of possibilities and that the reality is this is a tough topic and you're in the midst of learning to deal with it.
. Eventually I cracked and told her why. (because she didn't bother to notice I was abused).
That's where we started. I'm not sure, exactly, what you told her or how much detail you went into. If THAT is ALL you told her, I don't think you have much to worry about. I don't know how she feels about your brother. I think it's entirely possible that, if you went into detail, she's going to decide you're delusional, or evil, or something, and, in her mind, nothing you said will be true and you'll be the villain of the story. And that will likely be the end of it. But, the more likely outcome is that she'll ignore it and sweep it under the closest rug. Isn't that what she did all along? If she has nothing to gain from the drama, there will be no drama. There won't be anything at all.
 
@Sandstone -

Respectfully, you are not that powerful as to be at fault for her failings. You were not that powerful as a child to cause someone to abuse you and to cause your parents to drop the ball massively and excel at being pretty crappy about it now too.

They are the only ones responsible for their behavior.

You recognize that you don't see your own children as responsible for you, and I believe that you also likely know that if they disclosed abuse to you as an adult, you would not be an ass about it, but show compassion and ask questions and work it through with them.

You are not different from all of humanity in such a fashion that you should deserve such intense and relentless self-blame for what simply is not yours: the actions of others. The abuser(s) who committed the abuse and your mother for being quite the self-absorbed jerk about it deserve the blame for their own choices and behaviors.

The only mistake that I have read that you are making is trying to gain control over pain by blaming yourself and judging yourself so harshly over and over.

You didn't make a mistake by disclosing. Did it work out like any of us would want? No. But that's not your fault. You took a step to risk telling her, probably hoping for compassion and understanding, and maybe even because you were trying to set a bit of a boundary on some matters. It didn't work out as anyone would hope.

Instead of now being a jerk to yourself, try to take a step back from the self-judgment and find a more neutral observation of what is happening, and give back the blaming and shaming to those who actually deserve it.
 
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I can't get beyond the fact that everyone was happy and the family was stable until I spoke. I had chosen to protect them, and for no reason that was good enough enough I changed that decision.

I identified the feeling last night. It is dread. There are still lots of repercussions to come.
Next weekend was to be her birthday celebrations, and I have no idea if I'm meant to carry on with the plans. What if it blows up on my children as well? They know I have PTSD, but I've protected them from the causes.
My brother intended to tell his wife last night. She believes CSA is the worst crime in the world.

Silence was working, but I broke it.
 
Trauma teaches some survivors that silence is the only way to make everything ok and keep everyone safe. Some survivors are really good secret keepers even when secrets don’t need to be kept. Others go to the other extreme and say everything everywhere, driven by the same level of fear, thinning it’s the only way to be safe.

Trauma (and possibly the perp) clearly sent you the message through that silence is essential to survival, and you have internalized that message to survive the trauma.

Now? The trauma is over. There is nothing to protect your family members from.

These old messages that you have to stay silent to be safe, for your family members to be safe and happy, are not true anymore. Everyone was not happy in the first place and the happiness of the family members are not under your power and control anyhow.

Stable healthy families and people don’t fall apart because someone disclosed past abuse. Happy healthy people don’t blow up about trauma and treat children badly because their parent disclosed past CSA.

You have not caused your family to destabilize. That’s bs.

Your family may or may not handle it well, but that’s not your fault. I don’t know why your brother is telling his wife, it seems like yours to share, but if she already knows CSA is horrific... I mean, you never know. Others in your family could be CSA survivors as well, and because you spoke up, they may feel empowered. Encouraged. Less alone.

People are going to be uncomfortable and have their own reaction knowing someone they care about has been hurt, and that’s ok. It’s not a danger for others to wrestle with this a little bit. It doesn’t mean it was a mistake that you spoke up just because the results are not as hoped.

You bravely rejected the messages of what the perp wanted you to do by breaking the silence. You have amazing courage and strength.

All this shaming and blaming of yourself - put it back on the child abuser. They are the one who caused harm and danger. Not you. They are the ones who caused pain and unhappiness. Not you.

What you can work on now? Learning to communicate the boundaries and needs that you have now. If you don’t want your brother and wife wife talking about it, you can ask they stop. If they continue, walk away, hang up the phone, etc. You can make it clear you expect folks to not disclose to your children. (That would be a pretty unhealthy thing for anyone to consider doing anyhow.) Unless you have been uninvited, go to the birthday celebration if you want to go. Hopefully everyone will be very focused on the birthday celebration. If anyone brings up the CSA, emphasize you are there to celebrate a birthday. That’s it.

You have zero power and control over others and their happiness. You have tremendous choice over you now and a lot of options to keep you safe now.

But please don’t keep beating yourself up. You’ve been through enough.
 
I can't get beyond the fact that everyone was happy and the family was stable until I spoke.
I can totally relate to that feeling. But it's also true that everyone was living a lie, whether they knew it or not.

Right now, you have no way to know how this will sort itself out. "Dread" seems like a reasonable way to feel, although "hopeful" is another option. (Even if it seems like a crazy one.)

Have you considered that your mother should know not to ask questions she's not prepared to hear the answer to? And, if your brother has really changed, part of that maybe should include remorse and a desire own, and accept responsibility for his past behavior?
 
I have no idea if I'm meant to carry on with the plans.

In the absence of being told the birthday celebration is off, I suppose you could ask your mother if she wishes to proceed or simply continue with whatever the plans were.

What if it blows up on my children as well?

How do you think it could?

My brother intended to tell his wife last night

Well that's his prerogative. I don't see why he should but it's entirely up to him. It's also his relationship so he's got to manage it the way he wants to.

She believes CSA is the worst crime in the world.

She's entitled to her views but again this is out of your control. She will think whatever she wants regardless of how much you worry about it.

Silence was working,

But, with respect... no it wasn't. You were seething with anger remember? Maybe you never intended to say it there and then but there was an underlying issue.

If you mean everyone could ignore the truth yeah I guess.. but you were paying the price and have been paying the price for keeping silent.

but I broke it.

You told the truth. Fair enough it sort of came out in a situation where you were frustrated with something else but nevertheless it was the truth.

I know you want things to go back to the way they were but clearly that's not possible now. Stay calm Sandstone. :hug:
 
We had a beautifully peaceful night away on the saltmarsh. When we got back my husband bravely went and asked a direct question, and she seems determined to blank the whole thing out.

I'm shivering with relief and suddenly exhausted.
 
I feel so fragile.

Thanks god I never risked telling as a child or teen. I don't think I'd have coped at all.

I suppose it confirms that she is predictable, and as I initially said it was utterly stupid to tell her. I think now the only risk is that she has a huge weapon to use against me if she is ever up against the wall.

The thing now is to move on as if nothing had ever happened, which means I have to get on with organising her party. That will be trickier because I'm still too afraid to go and talk to her about what she wants, but she wouldn't be willing to define that under normal circumstances anyway. The issue of her domestic support will have to be addressed. OH wants to enlist the whole family to tell her it is needed, but I'm not up to that, and I can't see how I will ever dare try to organise anything.

If you don’t want your brother and wife wife talking about it, you can ask they stop.
I think it is his secret to share at least as much as mine. Fortunately, he held back and it looks as though she need not know. All those years ago when I first spoke to him about it, I said I could see no reason to tell her. She doesn't deserve to suffer for his wrongs.
And, if your brother has really changed, part of that maybe should include remorse and a desire own, and accept responsibility for his past behavior?
I have no doubt that this is his response.
 
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