Thinking It's Something Other Than Trauma

[brandonsmom777]

Hi, my name is Ashley and I've posted once in the introduction forum. I was feeling compelled again to post on a matter that is really troubling to me and I don't see my T until Wednesday. I have ptsd/dissociative disorder. The problem is that I feel somewhat in denial about my dissociative disorder.

I question whether or not it's even real. I don't feel like I'm in my body at all-ever. My thoughts, emotions and memories feel completely severed from me like I don't have access to them. My hearing is distorted, my vision changes where everything around me looks fake or like cardboard. I have a lack of sensation when I touch things, like it takes my brain longer to register hot and cold or even pain.

I have had qutie a few things happen in my life that any therapist has told me could contribute to me having this disorder but I still can't accept it. Not because I don't want to but because I don't REALLY know why I'm like this. I feel so freaking weird all the time, it's hard to believe that trauma could have made me feel this strange in my own body constantly. So I think of other reasons why I feel this way. Some may say I'm a hypochondriac but I'm not afraid of being sick-I just want to know what's wrong so I feel better.

Part of the reason I can never really get anywhere in therapy is because I begin to think my symptoms are not caused from trauma but something physical or medical instead. For the longest time I thought I had Alzheimers or a brain tumor. I've researched for hours and hours on different diseases that can cause delirium and have been tested for everything from neurotoxins to STD's. I've had at least 4 MRI's, CT scans and nothing is ever found. My latest bout was thinking I had Cushing's Disease (an elevated cortisol level caused from a tumor on the pituitary gland) which can cause psychosis and mental changes. I wasted a year of my life that couldn't have been spent in therapy getting tested for this stupid disease which apparentley can be somewhat insidious. Turns out I don't have that either. Lately I've been getting pins and needle sensations in my sleep in my arms and legs and sometimes I feel like I have a hard to managing my motor functions and have started thinking maybe I have Multiple Schlerosis. I've been reading about it today and am mad at myself how my brain is telling me that's what's wrong with me and to investigate to see whether I have it or not before I continue in therapy. I can't do this again. Surely if I had MS, it would have shown on my brain scans-at least a clue for doctors to pursue further testing. Nothing ever comes of it, nothing is ever found-I'm told I'm healthy and to see a psychologist.

To emphasize, I am NOT worried about having a disease, nor am I worried about dying and I don't have anxiety thinking about all the possible diseases I COULD have. I worry about my healing and not knowing exactly what is wrong with me so that I can get better. I can't live like this forever, I just can't. I'm just sick of my brain not being able to accept that I have a dissociative disorder and that's it's not caused from some kind of medical illness that's affecting my brain. If I keep up this cycle of denial and chasing a cause that won't be found- I'll never get better :(

Had anyone else that experiences dissociation ever wondered what the hell was wrong with you before you found out what it was? I guess part of it also is that I know I've had some pretty bad stuff happen in my life but I don't know if it's enough to cause THIS. It's all so confusing.

 

[haltija]

The problem is that I feel somewhat in denial about my dissociative disorder. I question whether or not it's even real. I don't feel like I'm in my body at all-ever. My thoughts, emotions and memories feel completely severed from me like I don't have access to them. My hearing is distorted, my vision changes where everything around me looks fake or like cardboard. I have a lack of sensation when I touch things, like it takes my brain longer to register hot and cold or even pain. I have had qutie a few things happen in my life that any therapist has told me could contribute to me having this disorder but I still can't accept it. Not because I don't want to but because I don't REALLY know why I'm like this. I feel so freaking weird all the time, it's hard to believe that trauma could have made me feel this strange in my own body constantly.

Hi Ashley, my guy has Multiple Sclerosis and I have PTSD. It doesn't sound to be like you have MS, considering your CT scans were normal. When you're in a disassociation state, it's really hard to know what's real and what's not, like you said. You're definitely experiencing that it sounds like. You just described the majority of the last few years of my life. In fact, it took me about four years to figure out what in the hell was going on. Frustrating, isn't it!? Like you, I also spent a lot of time online trying to self diagnose. Disassociation is really confusing and can cause you to come up with a reason for this, a reason for that, and this thing and that thing and it just spirals out of control.

I'm going to use lots of short paragraphs, because this will be long and I'd like it for it to be easier for you to read so that you can try to soak it in. (It can be difficult to read when in a state.) Pay attention to words in bold, because those are most important and try to focus in on them. Let me make it easy for you, because this helped me. You are experiencing a state of disassociation and it is entirely possible to come out of it, once you are willing to accept that you are there.

You're saying that you're researching this a lot and trying to come up with the reasons. It sounds like while being in a state of disassociation, that you're also experiencing intrusive thoughts. Basically, it isn't the actual state that's haunting you, but the thoughts about being in that state.

Think of it this way. Have you ever held a mirror up to another mirror? It creates an infinity effect that just keeps going. When you're focus on disassociation and constantly try to piece it together, you're not fixing it, but you're actually experiencing the infinity effect. It's the thoughts spiraling out control and sinking you into further disassociation and eventually hypochondria. I did this for years, and it's very frustrating.

I really feel for you, because I'm a mom of three and this made things very difficult for me. Being a parent can be really stressful and difficult, and I don't believe that you have to really experience a specific type of trauma to experience disassociation. In fact, perinatal disassociation is one of the postpartum post traumatic stress symptoms after childbirth. It's not impossible.

I personally believe stress can cause the problem. I noticed your screen name mentions your mother, so did the disassociation occur before or after you had your child? I wouldn't be surprised if it was after.

My advice would be to check into sensory therapy that you can do at home. And absolutely, yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I definitely experienced trying to find out what in the hell was wrong and it took me a long time to come to terms with it. I had heard of it. I disregarded it. I didn't care, because there had to be something making me sick. NOTHING was making me sick. I take iron for anemia and I take my multivitamins. I experience the states still, but even with only a couple of weeks of taking it seriously, I feel great. I'm learning how to transition from the disassociation state to feeling normal. It takes practice, but it's doable.

Do you ever find yourself arguing with people with things that you're really not upset about? I find that I do this a lot. It's difficult to know what's wrong when you're in the state and quite frankly, it's a pain in the ass. You're upset and you don't know why and then you end up arguing for no real reason about things that aren't really bothering you. It's like a dream and that's okay. I bring this up, for no other reason than if you're able to see it and connect the dots, it will be easier to accept and you'll be able to come out of it easier.

The next time you're feeling in that state, shock your body. Smell something strong that's pleasant or something different. Hold an ice cube. Do something spontaneous. If no one can see you, go ahead and go outside and do some jumping jacks. It will be okay, because it's temporary.

 

[Friday]

Would it help you to think of PTSD on neurological terms, rather than psychological terms? Because it is. The brain is an incredibly plastic and responsive organ. However, just like any brain injury (from stroke to concussion) the brain has to be retrained to not simply think differently, but to respond differently. Whether that's how to move the left side of your body, or how to step back from fight/flight. Hence CBT, exposure therapy, etc. there are some good articles in the Vault (tab above) that list out the neurology

 

[arfie]

I had such a deep habit of questioning my diagnosis that I quit looking at the dx and started addressing the symptoms. These days, I don't much care what anyone cares to call IT. "IT" is as good a name as any. I put my focus on one symptom at a time. In my own case, I do believe the constant questioning of the diagnosis was mostly avoidance.

Hope you figure out what it is for you, @brandonsmom777

 

[joeylittle]

Had anyone else that experiences dissociation ever wondered what the hell was wrong with you before you found out what it was? I guess part of it also is that I know I've had some pretty bad stuff happen in my life but I don't know if it's enough to cause THIS.

Dissociation is something everyone does, even people who have no disorders at all.

Those people do it on a milder level. When you have a more severe level of dissociation, or a dissociation disorder, it is definitely strange, scary, weird, all sorts of things.

I didn't know what it was called until I was given a word for it. I don't think what you are going through is that unusual for someone with disorder-level dissociation.

Part of the reason I can never really get anywhere in therapy is because I begin to think my symptoms are not caused from trauma but something physical or medical instead.

I think perhaps you've been through enough tests now that you can really work on accepting your diagnosis. Also, trauma disorders are just as medical as anything else.

 

[Brandons_mom777]

Thank you so much to everyone who responded, all of your answers were/are very helpful. I particularly like the analogy of the mirrors, I think that's just the perfect description of what I'm doing. And yes, I do have a son. He's 10 and its just me and him. I think the dissociating got worse after I had him but it was there beforehand. Actually before I had my son I mainly had severe OCD what I think they call pure O. Mainly obsessions without compulsions. I have a book "Coping with trauma related dissociation" I'm sure most of you have heard of or read. I started doing the grounding techniques the other day but I know it's something I have to be diligent about. I'm very happy I found this site and thank you all so much for taking the time to help me see what I'm doing to myself. I feel lighter and a lessened sense of urgency to talk to my therapist before our next appt which is awesome. I don't like to bother her between sessions :)

 

[Seasounds]

I grew up in a family, where it was much more acceptable to have a physical diagnosis than a psychological diagnosis. Being 'smart' brought approval, 'crying' brought scolding. It was the difference between receiving a Medal of Honor, and receiving a Dishonorable Discharge, and between being acceptable or being unacceptable.

I agree, that dealing with the symptoms will be more helpful to you. Particularly, with disassociation, starting to feel and express felt emotions, can help turn around troubling disassociative episodes. Getting out of your head, and feeling sesnations, may be a challenge, but it can be done.
I like that idea of sensory therapy, too.

When I was niave I thought that I could bypass emotional problems by thinking my way through or around them. As a result, my emotions turned into physical symptoms. Only when I 'gave in', gave up my 'figuring everything out', and started relating to my body sensations and expressing emotions, did my physical pain-that the doctors couldn't figure out, decrease and disappear.

You may not have much to lose, by working one year in sensory therapy, not talk or intellectual based therapy. It may require giving up your safety zone, but it may bring you health.

When I was at my bottom, I promised myself that I would try new approaches if they were safe and affordable. You can imagine my reaction, on my first step of my new path; after getting out of a intellectual based grad school, my therapist told me to spend time in nature, relating to my sensory experiences while exploring things.

Extra thought: your thread brought up for me how our English language is very limited in describing disassociation, especially from the experiencers point of view.
There is such a spectrum: lying frozen, being so wrapped up in obsessive thoughts that a person doesn't hear what is being said, not being able to feel body sensations, seeing a flashback more clearly than the present circumstances, hallucinating, seeing oneself outside of their body, etc.

Whatever your path is, good luck!