Thinking you don't have ptsd?

[Teasel]

So I very regularly find myself thinking I don't really have PTSD and was wondering if others feel this way regularly too?

Couple things come to mind -

Core beliefs about being a bad person - thinking I must be just seeking attention or be deluded or something.

Avoidance of reality? Maybe denial of the facts. But more than that it feels like my brain is somewhat compartmentalised. So in certain headspace I'm not really aware of certain other headspaces or something?

Would like to explore this a bit. Be great if anyone else relates or has summat useful to add. Thanks

 

[ladee]

I never doubt I have PTSD. What I do question is, do I use that as an excuse sometimes.

When I'm symptomatic and not using the tools I know to use, or simply lacking in self-discipline, I question, usually after the fact.

Very few know that I have PTSD. So if I am impatient and irritable and don't do what I need to do, so I just let it rip sometimes, because, hey, no one knows and can just think I'm a bitch.

But I always feel bad when my stuff splashes on others. And have to take time to break it down. And if an apology to someone is needed, then take that action.

I never doubt that I have it tho. I've lived with it my whole life.

 

[Chris-duck]

So I very regularly find myself thinking I don't really have PTSD and was wondering if others feel this way regularly too?

Yup. Basically all the time. If I'm feeling good I'm like "huh? Mental illness?! What? Where? :D " and if I'm feeling like shit I'm basically thinking all this stuff you talked about below about how it's not PTSD, nothing happened and I'm faking it all somehow for some reason.

Core beliefs about being a bad person - thinking I must be just seeking attention or be deluded or something.

Yuuup

Avoidance of reality? Maybe denial of the facts. But more than that it feels like my brain is somewhat compartmentalised. So in certain headspace I'm not really aware of certain other headspaces or something?

Yeah I get this. Like I basically amnt really aware of what's going on unless it's going on right at that time. Like people tell me when I'm feeling good but have something triggering coming up to work out a plan on how to handle it and even though I get rationally that'd be a good idea I'm still like "uh I'm fine right now. Why wouldn't I be fine later? :confused: " Like whatever state I'm in, good or bad, I basically completely forget, at least emotionally, that the other half exists.

I don't really have anything worthwhile to add, but I think I get it

 

[Kubash16]

I definitely question it all the time. Part of that is just plain ole avoidance and another part is I have a really hard time seeing any of my stuff as anything but normal. There’s so many others who have had far worse (in my opinion) so what am I whining about?

However, I’m getting slightly better at accepting it and believing it. But it took multiple professionals who are unrelated to each other to really solidify it in my mind.

1st therapist- when he started talking about it, I joined here because I was going to prove it wrong. Then I read some diaries. Didn’t get around to proving anything and thought, he’s just gotta be exaggerating.

1st psychiatrist- laughed. Literally laughed when I asked if he also saw PTSD (among other things 1st T had talked about). Then said, umm ya you’ve definitely got PTSD. *I’m not mad at him for laughing by the way, it just shows how obvious it was.* That really drove it home quite a bit. But still some definite denial (maybe both are delusional and dramatic idiots or I just subconsciously played them too good).

1st hospital stay- some things have been added, but PTSD was never once questioned. All the peeps there acted like it was obvious. The week there really drove home that it’s very real and very accurate.

2nd therapist- hasn’t questioned the diagnosis and is treating me for it, though she is heavily connected to first T so she may just be trusting his judgment. ?‍ Couldn’t help but add some denial right there ?.

 

[Ronin]

Yeah, I question everything about that, but then I usually remember what treatment for what actually made me functional for life, ever before. Both before I knew the name for this, while thinking that is no big deal, & before diagnoses.

It was all trauma & symptom spikes.

On another hand, treating the symptoms as coming from a different corner / other disorders always put my life on hold for years, badly, while I tried to self treat with some neat tricks... all from people in my walks of life, who would decently gloss over the labels, but still talk and not let me just slip.

 

[Freida]

Perfect timing! I had therapy today and asked my T how she could tell I have ptsd and I'm not just batshit crazy. Because, ya, ptsd doesn't fit. But. the parameters are pretty specific soooo......

 

[Justmehere]

I’m in denial about PTSD often. Rather pretend I’m totally in control and didn’t get something I didn’t want or cause.

 

[Friday]

When I’m doing really badly? I don’t have PTSD 5 or 6 times a day. :cool:

I’m FINE, dammit.

Spoiler: The long version

- Survival mechanism, for sure. The worse I am? The more I’m both convinced and determined to get through whatever this is that’s going on. It almost never occurs to me until later that how bad things really were. Because at the time? They’re not that bad. Because I’m fine. Because I need to be. So I am. Even when I’m not.

- Core beliefs... :hilarious: So my tombstone won’t read “I TOLD them I was sick!” It may very well read “I’m not dead, yet! I’m getting better!”

Which is a piece from the above (I need to be fine), and a piece from... it honestly (almost) never occurs to me to seek help... the idea that anyone would/could doesn’t enter my brain. I’m always so impressed by people who still trust others enough to be angry at not getting help. Like it’s this kind of mainstay, or whatever. I remember having that. It was a very long time ago. The last time I remember having the expectation of being helped was just before // when I realized “No one’s coming. No one’s ever going to come. I’ve got to save myself or die here. I refuse to die here.” After that switch happened? Shrug. It’s stayed flipped. Even though I’ve spent years working in a “helping” career, even though I’m nearly always part of a team... it’s all bonus. Luck. You cannot count on anyone else being anywhere, much less doing what you want them to be doing. Someone happens to be right here? Awesome. Someone’s not? So?

How this ties into the PTSD piece... the entire purpose of a diagnosis is to help someone. (Which is a big part of why armchair diagnosing of exes and enemies baffles me. Really? You really want to help them? WTFO? :bored: Why not just insult them, or attack them, & be done with it?) You need to know what something is in order to treat it, effectively. >>>I DONT NEED HELP. I’M FINE <<< Cough. So following that lovely piece of emotional logicking ... If the purpose of a diagnosis is to help someone, and I don’t need help, I don’t have a diagnosis. :cautious: :shifty: ... Yeah. I know. Like I said, when I’m doing really badly I come to this conclusion 5 or 6 times a day. Which means I do talk myself back from the ledge in the interim bits. But then it just reasserts, and I’ve gotta shake myself by the scruff of the neck all over again. Rinse lather repeat. (Hey, emotions don’t logic so hot, gotta cut them a little slack in their grand attempts at it. Which doesn’t mean listen to the backwards nonsense they propose, more of a pat them on the head, self correct, and try again. And again. And again. As many times as necessary).

- Core beliefs... Admitting weakness is wrong. <<< Which, again, ties into the help thing. I don’t need help. I’m fine. I’ve got this. I’ve ...don’t.... got this. Dammit. No. I’m fine. Really. All fine here.

- & Cha. Avoidance is certainly a piece, too. It’s NOT my trauma, it’s my divorce. It’s quitting smoking. It’s a character defect. It’s... oh look! A chicken!!! What was I saying? :facepalm: Yo, Self! Stop being such a pussy. (See? I tooooooold you it wasn’t my trauma. It’s just that I’m a pussy.) No! That wasn’t what I meant... aaaargh. I give up! I’m fine. Fine, fine, f*cking fantastically fine.

 

[Rani G2]

Hi @berlinda

thinking I must be just seeking attention or be deluded or something.

Around 2013 questioning myself if I qualify for the Diagnosis PTSD/ CPTSD? Is my suffering/somewhat anti-social behaviour (Quite exaggerating here, maybe) herewith explainable? So these thoughts Poked my mind.
Also asking myself = So, now with a Diagnosis, how much weak Willpower comes here to play?
So, a few Doctors psychologists/psychiatrists narrowed symptoms down to a Diagnosis (Which also meant, different Doctors different explainations) So that they have a Model to work with. It has been a long process until the „right“(Whatever that means) was somewhat visible, though some aspects were Ignored too.

Understanding (For myself) That I stand on a solid Diagnosis, but it’s still fluid and the boarders are somewhat blurred.

 

[Mach123]

This is an easy one for me. Sure, I think it. Then I think, "Let me tell you what happened and what I did ."

Nobody wants to know believe me it's easier not to know.

Then, if I think that's extreme thinking or just making excuses?

What would I do if I encountered that situation now? What would I do with me if I found me and if I had been able to tell what was going on?

But that was all a long time ago right?

So I'm like a guardian or something. I have to guard the secret so everyone can go on like everything is normal.

Everything is normal just don't talk about it.

 

[Teasel]

Love what you all have to say. I mean I don't cause why would I want anyone to relate? But for me? Selfishly? Very validating indeed so, thanks!

Another thing I just thought of whilst reading how many of you have found getting solid diagnoses off multiple professionals is how I was diagnosed twice as having borderline personality disorder by psychiatrists.

I'm quite sure that plays into my doubts hugely.

The fact that when I was referred for treatment for borderline, the peeps who treat it, told me I dont have it but rather c-PTSD... does help. A bit.

And the fact the peeps who treat me for PTSD haven't yet thrown me out as a draud, helps a bit

And reading things like this article help a bit.

In fact, every time I go to the NHS website to read the description of PTSD and c-PTSD, (at least once a month, even more sometimes) or any time I see a documentary on effects of abuse, or when I am with others in my PTSD group, and they describe symptoms, I relate and it reminds me, yep. That's me.

But i keep ending up back in the same place, thinking I dont have it.

Ok and another thing. I don't get nightmares all the time. I mean I suspect I've had PTSD for decades and for at least 30 years I got lots and lots of nightmares.

But not so many in the past few years... dunno if I've gotten somewhat better? Or maybe because I'm so withdrawn into a tiny little comfort bubble maybe I don't get so many.

And I have to remind myself, that everyone doesn't have every symptom too.

@ladee have you ever doubted you had PTSD? I feel bad when I.don't do the self care I ought to do too. And yes, hate for my stuff to splash out on others.

@Chris-duck I am sooo everything you describe lol. Stuck out what you said about at least emotionally not remembering how you feel at other times. That's exactly right.

@Kubash16 I totally get how having multiple professionals all show how sure they are that you have it must help. Kind of like be a key memory you can hold on to somewhat? Like a touchstone. Is that a thing?

Which makes me think of another thing. How others react to you, how they treat you. And not just professionals but everyone.

So I've an inordinate amount of experiences of others treating me like it's me that's bad / being silly *insert all manner of other negative interpretations*. A lifetime of it. So much so it's how I see meself a good deal of the time an all.

And not just seeing it as others are bad for seeing me as they have, get it that it's more complex, most didn't know about my traumas amongst other things.

Hmm, think this is a big part of it. Only recently am beginning to have some positive experiences of others reflecting back to me positively - and knowing about the PTSD too.

So it's like the insides and outsides are just beginning to match up a bit.

@Ronin very good point. Yes I've wasted years on the wrong treatment too. And yes it made things worse. And yes, the very little bit of proper treatment I've had has helped me by leaps and bounds. Must remember that :D

But. the parameters are pretty specific soooo.....

@Freida yeah, they are innit

@Justmehere yes, and I suppose it's normal to think we are in control. Preferable.

Gonna post this and continue later

 

[ladee]

@berlinda, I did not know I had PTSD until 1991. I had been told all the things others referred to here. But something wasn't coming together for me. I still felt there was something WRONG with me. And as you shared, I had been told all my life what was bad and wrong.

It wasn't until my last T and I was talking, and I told her, 'there is nothing wrong with my 'mind', but there is something wrong with my 'brain''. I remember her cocking her head to the side as she had finally heard me. She set up the testing with the Pdoc, and the rest is history.

I wasn't excited that I had PTSD, but was relieved that 'it' finally had a name. A label. Then my therapy took a different turn and things finally started making sense and I started to feel tiny little changes I had not managed to do before.

Like so many others, I had a lot of 'labels' that fit, but it wasn't the whole picture. There wasn't as much information as there is today. But it did make sense and I felt I finally had a direction to go that made sense. It's been hard. And I have felt alone many times.

I was able to look back at all the people who labelled me 'bad and wrong' and think, just because THEY said this or that, did not make it true. If they called me a 'chair' it didn't make me a chair.

I didn't tell anyone for many years. I didn't want the negativity and judgement that came with other opinions. I had too much work to do.

I still don't do 'self-care' in the standard ways. I have found things thru the years that work for me. I have ADD and simply can not meditate. It gets on my nerves. But I have found ways to relax and be present in the now. Hope this answered your question. :hug: