Third time’s a charm? Cutting off narcissistic mother

[Jennifer Mc]

Anyone who’s read my diary knows my mother is/was my primary abuser. I’ve had many goes at cutting her off but years of her abuse and gaslighting resulting in my resolve weakening. Complicated by her being Deaf and I’ve been brought up with the expectation from her and my wider family to be the fixer of all things and free interpreter.

Contract since my dad died a couple of years ago has been limited, with periods of none. But I’ve always let her wiggle her way back in, although much less each time.

I’m finally done. She has sent me dozens of messages over the past few weeks. All of them about her or weird selfies with filters fishing for compliments? Or something? More recently they’ve been accompanied by demands. Not once has she asked me how I’m doing. She’s incapable of it. I sent her a text back saying as much and that I found her rude for not even saying please. The reply I got made it very clear that she doesn’t care one little bit about me.

Not that she ever has, she’s caused me so much pain, literally and emotionally, for my whole life.

So yeah, I’m done. And now I need to ensure I don’t relent this time.

Haven’t you ever heard the expression’mother knows best’?? It sounds like you’re bitter and ungrateful to her when in actuality shes the only one trying at this point to communicate with you and just dismiss her because of the way she expresses her love. And it’s rediculous that you’re annoyed and burdened because of a hearing disability. You’re burnt dude. Once she’s gone..shes gone

Haven’t you ever heard the expression’mother knows best’?? It sounds like you’re bitter and ungrateful to her when in actuality shes the only one trying at this point to communicate with you and just dismiss her because of the way she expresses her love. And it’s rediculous that you’re annoyed and burdened because of a hearing disability. You’re burnt dude. Once she’s gone..shes gone

I hope you find what you’re looking for. Good luck with that

 

[Charbella]

Haven’t you ever heard the expression’mother knows best’?? It sounds like you’re bitter and ungrateful to her when in actuality shes the only one trying at this point to communicate with you and just dismiss her because of the way she expresses her love. And it’s rediculous that you’re annoyed and burdened because of a hearing disability. You’re burnt dude. Once she’s gone..shes gone

Read the room new here! Ungrateful for her moms torture, I sure hope so!

I can’t believe you’ve come to our community you know nothing about her story and you think it’s okay to comment.

Do you even have PTSD? Ever think her trauma comes from her parent.

 

[PlainJane]

Mod Note:

Stay on topic. Any posts not contributing to the conversation will result in a thread ban.

 

[Movingforward10]

It’s so triggering though it’s just awful. I’d have rather have had a phone call telling me she’d been found dead. Is that horrible? Probably. But it’s the truth.

Not horrible at all. I feel like I would feel more free after my parents pass, and some sense of relief And I say that seeing how my partner has grieved the loss of both her parents and how it has made her feel like her grounding has been taken away from her. I feel like I don't have grounding to take away.

So I get it.
It isn't horrible, but the impact of abusive relationships.

 

[Friday]

Firstly, holy sh*t. I read that and laughed and thought ‘I’m stealing that line’ (she did give N access to me in exchange for stuff) and then I read the rest of what you wrote and wowee.

Seeeeeriously. It’s as if the SUPERPOWER of mankind? Is disbelief.

For longer than I care to recall I carried around my X-rays & med records, after the 3rd time my exHusband tried to kill me, in 6mo.

I …finally… realized that anyone I “had” to convince? (Or couldn’t, even with evidence up the yin Yang) Wasn’t a friend, to begin with. Dude. The person *I* loved, and FFS MARRIED, tried to effing kill me. If you need proof of that, which I have, means you’re NOT my friend. And never were. I was just a warm body, filling a slot, in people you “know”. You don’t care about ME. You’re populating your own life/world. I which? I’m clearly not a part of. Goodbye. I am sorry. As I cared about you. As you did not care about me.

 

[Ice_Fire]

Firstly, apologies for my last comment. It was emotive and I didn’t take a breath in reaction to the opinion above. Which you’re entitled to, but just to point out the first line of this thread: if you have read my story you’ll know she is my primary abuser.

I’m not interested in rekindling it or feeling guilt, I do that enough. Hence the thread.

Social services are involved, so I’ve done the safeguarding bit. I however, am now struggling with whether I want to be updated with the outcome or not? Yes, but…why? That’s the thing. And it feels like keeping a thread attached to her that I really should shut the door on.

I’m unsure if this is going to result in a yo-yo situation or not. She goes loopy enough I get dragged in by others…

 

[Movingforward10]

Social services are involved, so I’ve done the safeguarding bit. I however, am now struggling with whether I want to be updated with the outcome or not? Yes, but…why? That’s the thing. And it feels like keeping a thread attached to her that I really should shut the door on.

I’m unsure if this is going to result in a yo-yo situation or not. She goes loopy enough I get dragged in by others…

What would it feel like not to know the outcome?
What would it feel like to know the outcome?
(Is the outcome what support they will offer her?)

Maybe working out those feelings might help you decide what works for you.

You don't owe anyone an explanation for whatever decision you arise at. It's what works for you.

 

[Ice_Fire]

(Is the outcome what support they will offer her?)

Yes I think so. When I finally went no contact, I knew I’d made social services aware, she had the assistant person visiting her etc. it lessened the hard-wired little parent in me worrying I suppose. Because even though she’s, well, is who she is, I at least needed to know that she was handed off. If that makes sense? Someone else’s problem and they are aware there’s a massive problem?

It could go either way. Either they assess her and realise she is completely off her trolley/behaving very oddly/a danger etc and she gets the help required. Or, she puts on a front as always and nothing will happen. If it’s the latter, I’ll just be more upset and frustrated probably so better to not know at all? Than risk knowing it’s outcome 2.

I’m feeling better about the whole thing now the shock has worn off. And I read back through our last texts before I told her I was done. Realised i still believe the exact same, and that it was the correct decision. Hard to read over mind.

It just feels like I was starting to really move on from it all. Like I’d completed a weird not-grief period of almost grieving. That’s nonsense but I hope you figure out what I mean by that? Maybe!

 

[Movingforward10]

The thing with not knowing. Is you can always change your mind and ask. But then if you're left wondering , the wonder might get too mucj unless you give yourself permission to be ok with it.
With knowing , you can't unknow. But also, they can reassess and whatever outcome now, it doesn't mean that will never change.

Maybe it's more about being in control of when you get information? Rather than it coming out of the blue?

Yeah I get the non grief grieving.

 

[Freida]

ecause even though she’s, well, is who she is, I at least needed to know that she was handed off. If that makes sense? Someone else’s problem and they are aware there’s a massive problem?

This ^^ is basically what I had to do with my brother. Love the guy, but couldn't be drug into his drama anymore. So I stuck around long enough to make sure he had a back up plan, make sure he would be taken care of, and make sure the right people knew about him.

Then off I went into my life.

We didn't have the abuse that you had with your mom of course so it was a much easier situation.
But the idea of leaving after making sure I did what I could helped me walk away with a clear conscious. Do I still wonder how he is doing? Yep. Can I let that go for my own sanity. YES.

 

[zaniara]

I’d have rather have had a phone call telling me she’d been found dead. Is that horrible? Probably. But it’s the trut

Congratulations on cutting ties with your nr.1 abuser! It's so difficult. And she will probably never stop causing drama and as she loses more control and get older it will get worse. I hope you can stand by your descion. And let your self live. You have zero responsibility for her. Or her neighbors.

As for longing for her to die.. I long for my father to die. A lot. Not because I hate him, because I actually don't anymore. I've healed enough not to. But as long as he lives and don't get well (which is 0,000000000000000001 chance of him ever doing) he will be likely to cause drama and I also know he actually never have accepted me breaking ties with him. I have just made him too scared to dare to contact me now. (I told him that I will report him to the police and go public if he continues to contact me = but I also changed phone numbers too.)

So. I feel no remorse or shame whatsoever. (Only a few seconds here and there, but that's the trauma-bond..) He is so deeply disturbed and bad I really will be relieved when he dies and cannot hurt anyone anymore. I think of him like one of those animals which is so crazy and dangerous that you actually have to end their lives. (Most animals can get better with the right training etc but there are actually some hopeless cases= those that always will be dangerous to others - both humans and other animls).

I understand it will take time for you to detangle your self from this web of manipulations and this toxic relationship. Do what you can to love your self, comfort your self and take one moment at a time.

What was the hardest for me was little Z being angry with me, missing her dad. I had to be her good parent in this.. also she always felt a need to be close to him in order to try to control him somehow so that he would not hurt anyone, or so that she would be prepared when he did hurt (with words the last ten years). But that never ever worked. It never does.

Either way= yay for your courage and descion!


Now you can save your energy for people who are not toxic "black holes"! I will pray though that social services do their job, so it's easier on you. But I hope you keep on your path no matter what they or her or others do. Your life is yours to live. Not hers.

 

[Ice_Fire]

@zaniara thank you. I every word made me feel alone and less shameful of being in this position and feeling how I do.