This felt like a set up... am i wrong?

[Justmehere]

I'm having a relationships-confuse-me day.

I have a friend that often asks for reassurance about their self worth. I reassure them now and then, but most of the time I direct them to more solid ways of reinforcing self worth than just asking me. (My opinion really shouldn't matter THAT much...) Then they were asking up to 3-4 times a day...So yeah, I set boundaries. I can't fill that void.

But then the question changed. They asked if they were good at xyz. (Going to leave that detail out.) They are actually good at that, and most people would be reassured if someone complimented them on this skill.

I didn't respond right away, I was super busy. I knew I had to set the same boundary but didn't yet....

10 minutes later this person said in an instagram post that their perp used to compliment them on that, and it always makes them feel bad.

They fished for a compliment that makes them feel bad without telling me it makes them feel bad.

I'm not just annoyed with the boundary pushing, but this felt like a set-up. Is it?

 

[EveHarrington]

Yes, it would feel like a set up to me, especially because of the immediate instagram post. Not cool.

 

[r0s1e]

I would say that it's techinically a set up in a sense, but I don't know that there's any particularly malicious end game motivating the set up. More likely they want to vent to you about this and don't know how to be direct about it, so they're making things weird...

 

[Wendy]

This person doesn't seem to be a healthy person to have in your life. If it were me, I would distance myself. Just my two cents, after being sucked into numerous unhealthy friendships over the course of my life, I now realize how much better it is to not have all the drama. It takes all my energy to try and keep myself even-keeled and I don't need someone else dragging me down. Again, just my two cents.

 

[The Albatross]

Maybe not a "set up" consciously per se... but more like a perhaps unconscious "self fulfilling prophecy" sort of thing. Can you/how do you decide if it was conscious or unconscious manipulation? I never can tell so I go with what I do know.

I think you are wise to realize that continued affirmations of her attributes are not essentially in her best interests in the longer term. Were it me, I'd likely reduce or restrict my time/communication with the person to morning or evening rather than throughout the day so as to curtail the behavior or habit of your friends continued reinforcement seeking. Clearly she is insecure and needs some skills and a stronger sense of self worth.

 

[Sideways]

Sounds like this person is doing it tough at the moment. We can’t always do much for our friends when they’re in a rough spot. Personally I can understand not wanting to engage in stuff that appears to be self-destructive. Maybe the best response when she asks these types of questions is to respond with a question, like “Are you okay?” ???

 

[Justmehere]

Thanks all!

It does still feel like a set up.... I don't think it's malicious. It is unhealthy and self destructive. It also triggered something for me.

More likely they want to vent to you about this and don't know how to be direct about it, so they're making things weird...

They are super scared of being direct or assertive.... they know that, I know that. They've asked me to help them navigate a few things as a peer because I'm super direct. I'm trying to evaluate what I can and can't do.

Can you/how do you decide if it was conscious or unconscious manipulation? I never can tell so I go with what I do know.

I don't really know either, and to some degree, it doesn't change much for me if it was conscious or unconcious.... deliberate or not, both bother me just the same. And that's something I do know.

She's in a super bad spot... but taking many good steps to get treatment, meet new people, and build a support network and etc. I want to be someone that encourages that good work...

Maybe the best response when she asks these types of questions is to respond with a question, like “Are you okay?” ???

I like that! I think it gets to the heart of the matter. And generally, she isn't very ok but that feels like an easier conversation for me.

This person doesn't seem to be a healthy person to have in your life. If it were me, I would distance myself. Just my two cents, after being sucked into numerous unhealthy friendships over the course of my life, I now realize how much better it is to not have all the drama.

Yeah, this is seomyhing I'm trying to figure out. For various reasons I can't totally distance myself without losing my own support so I'm trying to see what distance or closeness I can handle and maintain.

In the end, I think I'm going to ask we limit communication certain times - where I am not as likely to be triggered or bothers and I can handle any of this better.

Thanks all for helping me process this through. :)