Sexual Assault This Guy

[Jane]

It happened a little over a year ago, and I've only ever told three people about it. Not only that, it still haunts me to this very moment. It's time for me to talk about it.

In my freshman year of high school, I made friends with this guy. We sat next to each other in history, and we rotated in completely different social circles. He was one of "those" guys - he was in the football team, he was friends with everybody, he was the class clown in every class, and was my complete opposite. In class I tended to stay quiet, in part because I didn't know anyone in my class. In this class, I got 100s and high 90s, where he was lucky if he obtained a 70 not to brag or bash anyone who doesn't do well in school. I'm sorry if I offend or upset anyone.

So, because we sat next to each other, he started cheating off me. At first I minded - I tried my best to nonchalantly hide my paper from his eyes. But as we talked a bit more, I became more ok with it. H eventually moved to sit behind me, so it would be easier to cheat. Being that we talked so much more now, he friended me on Facebook a social media site, and ultimately asked me out. I said yes, but it only lasted about a week. I told him I just didn't know enough about him, and that we were very different people. It was a few months before we spoke again.
We started talking again when he started dating my best friend. I didn't really care, it's not like me and this guy had any special connection. Or, at least, that's how I felt.

Anyway, they dated on and off until the end of sophomore year, and that's when things got bad. The three of us had our issues, and they ended up not talking to me at least twice throughout the year.

Around the time for finals in June, he and my were at my house, alone, just hanging out in my room. He was a close talker to begin with, so when he moved closer and closer to me, I didn't think anything of it. I didn't think anything of it, until he told me that he never stopped loving me. He told me that he wanted to leave my friend and be with me, and that loved me. I made it very clear to him that I didn't feel the same way, and that I was sorry.

We were sitting on my bed. He was moving closer to me. His eyes were closed, and he was just telling me how much I meant to him. I told him that he was with my friend, and I tried convincing him that he was just confused. And what he did after that still chills me to the very core. He was so close to me, our noses were touching. He opened his eyes, looked me dead in the face and said to me "What's stopping me from locking your door and having my way with you?"

It was in that moment that I realized that my best friend was a lie. He was not at all who I thought he was, and that scared me more than I've ever been scared in my life.

He leaned in close and kissed me. I moved away, and told him "stop, you're with my friend". He rolled his eyes like he didn't care and kissed me again. I moved to the other side of the bed, away from him, and he followed me. He pulled me close and laid me down, pinning me to my bed. He crawled on top of me and started kissing me again. I tried pushing him off, but he's a big guy. He's 300 pounds of muscle, all pinning me down. He pinned my arms above me and held them there. I kicked at him and tried to get him off, but he didn't budge. He maneuvered his legs in a weird way, I'm not exactly sure how, but he got me to spread my legs and push our crotches together. I could feel his hard on, and I was so grossed out. I managed to get a hand free and I hit him, and he rolled off me to the side. I tried to stand, but he put one arm around my neck, and used the other to go up the back of my shirt. He felt my breasts, and tried to undo my bra, but I elbowed him in the gut. I stood up and told him that he needed to leave, which he did, but not before another kiss goodbye. That was the last time I spoke with him.

Since then, he has gotten my friend pregnant. She gave birth at 15 to a daughter, who she gave up for adoption. He has missed his entire junior year of high school because he was put in a mental institution and put on suicide watch.

I am plagued by nightmares abut this, and when my current boyfriend tries to do anything sexual with me, I often get scared and tell him to stop. Once, he and I were messing around, and he wouldn't let me stand up. He had me on my bed, and he wouldn't let me get up, and I freaked out and called him by the name of that guy.

It just bothers me that this incident happened just over a year ago (June 2012) and I'm still so effected by it. Is that normal? I'm sorry it was so long, I just needed to get it out there. This story, I'm sure, is no different from any other story on here, so if you took the time to read this, thank you, and I hope you have a nice day/evening/night

 

[Meadowsweet]

I don't know what normal is or not, I don't think anyone does. But it sounds like you need to talk to someone about this. Is there a counselor you could talk to?

 

[Lucycat]

Hi Jane,

Clearly this guy was not being kind to you. He did not consider or regard your feelings or what you were saying to him. I am sorry that you went through this and that it is still affecting you a year on.

I think Meadowsweet is right. You need to talk about this with someone you trust - a counselor or therapist would be a good idea. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. Many people have memories that trouble or distress them, and there are ways to make the memories have 'less power' over you. You will never forget what this guy did but you need to be able to package up the memory within your brain in such a way that you only think about it if and when you choose to. There is science behind this. Normal memories are stored in the hippocampus of the brain. Emotionally charged memories are stored by the amygdala instead and the amygdala misbehaves in that it is able to bring its memories into conscious thought whenever it chooses. In therapy you can reduce the emotion attached to a memory so that it moves into the hippocampus and becomes like any other memory.

You deserve a happy and loving relationship with your current boyfriend. You don't need this guy destroying that. Remember always that what happened was not your fault.

 

[cherryblossom]

Hi Jane. I'm sorry to hear what happened to you. Well done for having the courage to share your experience and seek some assistance.

I think it's completely normal to still think about, and be upset about what happened. You must have been so scared. Well done, for fighting him off.

The thing is that, these sorts of memories do plague us, especially if we don't deal with them. And as you are discovering, sometimes they affect our current and future relationships. As the others have said, I would seriously urge you to seeking some counselling/therapy with regards to this issue. A therapist could help you to process these memories, and with some CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), negative emotions surrounding this incident can be lessened so that it doesn't have such a big impact on your life.

Many of us here, only dealt with our abuse years and years after it happened. Often only talking about it for the first time after decades of heartbreak and broken relationships, anxiety and depression.

I feel sure that seeking the right help now, will be of huge benefit to you both now and in the future. The sooner you deal with this the better. Is there a counselling service st school, or a teacher you could talk to who could help you to find a therapist? What about your parents? Do they know? Could they help you to find someone. I think it's really important to speak to a professional.

Good luck.

 

[Jane]

I don't know what normal is or not, I don't think anyone does. But it sounds like you need to talk to someone about this. Is there a counselor you could talk to?

I think there might be, but my major concern is that I don't want my parents to know about it. I never told any authority figure about it, and I'm scared of what will happen if they find out

 

[Meadowsweet]

I don't know what the laws of confidentiality are in other countries, but if you go to a counsellor, they will tell you what they can and can't keep confidential. Then you have the information to make that choice.

 

[jhonmarvi]

I don't Know . what are you saying .I think you have no aim ??????

 

[Justmehere]

It is very understandable to feel anxiety and fear in a situation that you associate with a traumatic experience. Sometimes you might even associate a facial expression or word with the experience, and that's natural too.
Research confidentiality laws in your area regarding therapists and that'll give you a clearer picture of how to go about it.
Are you afraid of how your parents will react, or are you simply afraid that the information will hurt them?