This isn’t a fight I’m ever going to win..

[Itsnotyouitsme]

I can’t believe after the journey I feel I have undertaken the last few months I am back to square one, or so it feels like anyway.

In a nutshell, I experienced trauma at the hands of the love of my life, I hit absolute rock bottom despite never having experienced any mental heath problems before, I am now a sufferer of PTSD, depression & anxiety. I undertook intense trauma therapy for a year, became suicidal, lost myself entirely, lost my life as I had known it, things got a lot worse before they got even a slight bit better..... but they got better, even if it was a tiny bit.

I made the conscious decision to keep myself alive, even in the moments I didn’t really want to. I dug deep, researched, faced my triggers, faced my dark thoughts, my pain, my anger, my ‘no way out’ and forced myself to believe that was another way out, there must be! Through hard work, dedication and the determination to not give up on myself despite the cards that life has handed me, I thought I got better.. I really really did.

I still had triggers yes, but I knew somewhat how to deal with them head on, I still suffered with immense pain, it never truly passed, but I let it flow through me and out of me.

And now months on it feels like I am back to square one. Like I have no more energy to fight. Like the pain I am carrying around with me will never truly pass or lessen. Like I am broken beyond repair. Like there really isn’t another way out because this pain, well this pain right here is not something that is ever going to fade. I am exhausted. It doesn’t feel like this is a fight I’m going to win, no matter how much I wanted to.. it is disheartening to say the least after all the hard work I have done but I literally have no more in me to keep fighting. So how do you keep going when you really don’t want to keep going?

 

[AnnieMae]

I feel the same way. I loved my ex with all my heart and he effed me over ROYALLY and now I am so screwed. I will always be living a lie of a life that is catered towards other people’s wants and desires. I will never accomplish anything except for maybe small things. I need someone to tell me what to do. To make decisions for me because I got 2 criminal charges on me and I cannot get into trouble again. I will go to jail. There was no gray area on that. I don’t have very many friends, I never did, and I am gaining so much weight because I am depressed and bored and I have nothing to do. I always have to plan my life around others. I try so hard to help myself but I messed up and talked to a psychic that told me not to defend myself, now it’s ingrained in my brain and I can’t stand up for myself. And fear of losing my job and having to find another one is awful. There is so much pressure to keep my job. I have become the laziest person ever. I was not like this before. I can’t do anything to make my life better. I am stuck, at a plateau, but time is against me. And, if I mess up again I will always hear “I told you so” from my family. And, I can’t keep my mouth shut on things like anger. I keep going through life because I have to. Even though I have no real purpose, I keep going. Oh, my parents are a huge part of that. And my nieces and nephews. I wish I could be close to the oldest one again. ?

 

[Anij34]

Oh sweetie I am so sorry! I've been through significant trauma by someone that should've been my protector and not my predator. I'm still a hot mess....if one of my kids screams at me I'm triggered and the other day I was brought so low I really wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. So, please know you're not alone. The good news is that as you have seen yourself you can come back to the surface. We are brought low and then must work our way back up. Maybe now is a good time to re-evaluate any meds, meet up with a new therapist, find a new support group or start some new positive habits that give you a bit of joy in the midst of the dark (an art class, a walk in the autumn air, ice skating lessons, reading a wonderful book at the coffee shop). I am praying for you!

 

[Itsnotyouitsme]

Oh sweetie I am so sorry! I've been through significant trauma by someone that should've been my protector and not my predator. I'm still a hot mess....if one of my kids screams at me I'm triggered and the other day I was brought so low I really wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. So, please know you're not alone. The good news is that as you have seen yourself you can come back to the surface. We are brought low and then must work our way back up. Maybe now is a good time to re-evaluate any meds, meet up with a new therapist, find a new support group or start some new positive habits that give you a bit of joy in the midst of the dark (an art class, a walk in the autumn air, ice skating lessons, reading a wonderful book at the coffee shop). I am praying for you!

Thank you for taking the time to respond to me.
I’m sorry to hear that you too have suffered at the hands of someone who should’ve been the last person to ever hurt you... I know this very well... perhaps life is just unfair like that?

I was full of hope that when I finally managed to get out of the dark episode of my life I would learn to ‘manage’ things enough to stay far away from it in the future. It appears it’s not quite that simple because I know myself, I’ve been here before and I’m well on the road to getting to that dark place again. I’ve actually re-started my seretonin caps as a first point and am considering returning to therapy, despite having finished a year long trauma therapy programme only in June.

I read a quote somewhere yesterday which said that in order for us to truly heal, we must accept our past & present and in turn the change we have been yearning for will inevitably happen.

Whilst there may be some truth in that, rationally I know I must accept where I am today because I do not have any other choice BUT I am still struggling to accept what has become of me, my life. Trauma isn’t only the bad things that happened to us but also the good things that should’ve happened but didn’t. None of it should’ve happened. Not to me, not to anyone for that matter, these things just shouldn’t happen at all.

It’s extremely disheartening to end up back in this place after all the hard work! It’s like an ugly reminder that perhaps I’ll never really truly and deeply be okay, not like how I was pre-trauma.

I do often wonder why life has dealt me these terrible cards... do you?

 

[Fozbear]

I can’t believe after the journey I feel I have undertaken the last few months I am back to square one, or so it feels like anyway.

In a nutshell, I experienced trauma at the hands of the love of my life, I hit absolute rock bottom despite never having experienced any mental heath problems before, I am now a sufferer of PTSD, depression & anxiety. I undertook intense trauma therapy for a year, became suicidal, lost myself entirely, lost my life as I had known it, things got a lot worse before they got even a slight bit better..... but they got better, even if it was a tiny bit.

I made the conscious decision to keep myself alive, even in the moments I didn’t really want to. I dug deep, researched, faced my triggers, faced my dark thoughts, my pain, my anger, my ‘no way out’ and forced myself to believe that was another way out, there must be! Through hard work, dedication and the determination to not give up on myself despite the cards that life has handed me, I thought I got better.. I really really did.

I still had triggers yes, but I knew somewhat how to deal with them head on, I still suffered with immense pain, it never truly passed, but I let it flow through me and out of me.

And now months on it feels like I am back to square one. Like I have no more energy to fight. Like the pain I am carrying around with me will never truly pass or lessen. Like I am broken beyond repair. Like there really isn’t another way out because this pain, well this pain right here is not something that is ever going to fade. I am exhausted. It doesn’t feel like this is a fight I’m going to win, no matter how much I wanted to.. it is disheartening to say the least after all the hard work I have done but I literally have no more in me to keep fighting. So how do you keep going when you really don’t want to keep going?

Keep on keeping on. Persevere.thats what I do. Don’t think you’re at square one again.

 

[Fozbear]

Try not to think negatively. Think you’re in a safe place because you are. I don’t feelfear anymore.

 

[LostInCPTSD]

I can’t believe after the journey I feel I have undertaken the last few months I am back to square one, or so it feels like anyway.

In a nutshell, I experienced trauma at the hands of the love of my life, I hit absolute rock bottom despite never having experienced any mental heath problems before, I am now a sufferer of PTSD, depression & anxiety. I undertook intense trauma therapy for a year, became suicidal, lost myself entirely, lost my life as I had known it, things got a lot worse before they got even a slight bit better..... but they got better, even if it was a tiny bit.

I made the conscious decision to keep myself alive, even in the moments I didn’t really want to. I dug deep, researched, faced my triggers, faced my dark thoughts, my pain, my anger, my ‘no way out’ and forced myself to believe that was another way out, there must be! Through hard work, dedication and the determination to not give up on myself despite the cards that life has handed me, I thought I got better.. I really really did.

I still had triggers yes, but I knew somewhat how to deal with them head on, I still suffered with immense pain, it never truly passed, but I let it flow through me and out of me.

And now months on it feels like I am back to square one. Like I have no more energy to fight. Like the pain I am carrying around with me will never truly pass or lessen. Like I am broken beyond repair. Like there really isn’t another way out because this pain, well this pain right here is not something that is ever going to fade. I am exhausted. It doesn’t feel like this is a fight I’m going to win, no matter how much I wanted to.. it is disheartening to say the least after all the hard work I have done but I literally have no more in me to keep fighting. So how do you keep going when you really don’t want to keep going?

I can relate to every word, accept I’m 5 years in after a complete mental breakdown and intense therapy that led me to discover or realize I was seriously abused since birth and that’s why I kept choosing narcs or my x-wife I had kids with, a sociopath like my Mother was. Now I have nothing left. I thought for a few months there finally that maybe I CAN recover some day.. the last 6 months took almost the biggest turn into Hell since the initial breakdown - I feel like there’s absolutely no hope for me anymore, my life savings, my health me, my cars, even one of my children she turned her against me, now my health is shot.. my Daughter and I were so close.. I’m still in shock.. I can feel the life and my soul leaving me, or being sucked out and I’m near completely empty. It’s terrifying & sobering. I wish I had words to help, like advice, but everything I tried failed for me (other than still being alive?) but hoping just relating to exactly how you describe in your post helps you in some way maybe feel less alone. God bless you and sending positive vibes your way.. I’m great at empathy & feel so alive & happy helping others, yet absolutely horrible to the point of torturing myself when it comes to self care.. it’s most familiar and only thing that seems to make me feel worth something. You are not alone, this world, and society, and lack of caring professionals not understanding this at all is making it so much worse (at least for me..). Regards, Lost

 

[AnnieMae]

I can relate to every word, accept I’m 5 years in after a complete mental breakdown and intense therapy that led me to discover or realize I was seriously abused since birth and that’s why I kept choosing narcs or my x-wife I had kids with, a sociopath like my Mother was. Now I have nothing left. I thought for a few months there finally that maybe I CAN recover some day.. the last 6 months took almost the biggest turn into Hell since the initial breakdown - I feel like there’s absolutely no hope for me anymore, my life savings, my health me, my cars, even one of my children she turned her against me, now my health is shot.. my Daughter and I were so close.. I’m still in shock.. I can feel the life and my soul leaving me, or being sucked out and I’m near completely empty. It’s terrifying & sobering. I wish I had words to help, like advice, but everything I tried failed for me (other than still being alive?) but hoping just relating to exactly how you describe in your post helps you in some way maybe feel less alone. God bless you and sending positive vibes your way.. I’m great at empathy & feel so alive & happy helping others, yet absolutely horrible to the point of torturing myself when it comes to self care.. it’s most familiar and only thing that seems to make me feel worth something. You are not alone, this world, and society, and lack of caring professionals not understanding this at all is making it so much worse (at least for me..). Regards, Lost

I totally agree with this. I’ve lost every one and everything because of it and all anyone can say is oh well, move on. Everything I try doesn’t work out either.

 

[Itsnotyouitsme]

I can relate to every word, accept I’m 5 years in after a complete mental breakdown and intense therapy that led me to discover or realize I was seriously abused since birth and that’s why I kept choosing narcs or my x-wife I had kids with, a sociopath like my Mother was. Now I have nothing left. I thought for a few months there finally that maybe I CAN recover some day.. the last 6 months took almost the biggest turn into Hell since the initial breakdown - I feel like there’s absolutely no hope for me anymore, my life savings, my health me, my cars, even one of my children she turned her against me, now my health is shot.. my Daughter and I were so close.. I’m still in shock.. I can feel the life and my soul leaving me, or being sucked out and I’m near completely empty. It’s terrifying & sobering. I wish I had words to help, like advice, but everything I tried failed for me (other than still being alive?) but hoping just relating to exactly how you describe in your post helps you in some way maybe feel less alone. God bless you and sending positive vibes your way.. I’m great at empathy & feel so alive & happy helping others, yet absolutely horrible to the point of torturing myself when it comes to self care.. it’s most familiar and only thing that seems to make me feel worth something. You are not alone, this world, and society, and lack of caring professionals not understanding this at all is making it so much worse (at least for me..). Regards, Lost

I’m so sorry to hear you are going through this. I can very much relate as post-trauma I too lost everything. I lost people I thought were my family, the love of my life, my child, my job, everything that I considered to be my life and I KNOW just how tough that is.

I could sit here and write all of the ‘practical’ ways to get out of the darkness, the things that people tend to say when they realise you’re knee deep in it and are struggling to get out, but sometimes I find they’re not that helpful. Rationally, yes if I could get up and find the motivation to do all those things it would be great. But realistically, no I don’t want to go for a walk, or read a book etc. I guess sometimes all that we can do is offer a person some of our time, our attention and a safe place to speak and explore this disease, so that’s what I’m going to do for you. Please feel free to keep writing, keep sharing, any and every time you wish.

I am feeling an intense sadness today myself. I have tried to ask myself why and I couldn’t actually pin point a reason for this. I guess it’s a buildup of everything. So I’m counting down the hours until this day is over and hope for a new and better day tomorrow.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I find that taking one baby step towards healing is much better than just dwelling in it. I didn't want to do anything on my list, but I did. one small thing, and I am back to healing and feeling better. I empathize with the things everyone has written, but if you can just do one small thing, you will be on the way. It worked for so many people here, it worked for me, and it can work for you.

 

[LostInCPTSD]

I’m so sorry to hear you are going through this. I can very much relate as post-trauma I too lost everything. I lost people I thought were my family, the love of my life, my child, my job, everything that I considered to be my life and I KNOW just how tough that is.

I could sit here and write all of the ‘practical’ ways to get out of the darkness, the things that people tend to say when they realise you’re knee deep in it and are struggling to get out, but sometimes I find they’re not that helpful. Rationally, yes if I could get up and find the motivation to do all those things it would be great. But realistically, no I don’t want to go for a walk, or read a book etc. I guess sometimes all that we can do is offer a person some of our time, our attention and a safe place to speak and explore this disease, so that’s what I’m going to do for you. Please feel free to keep writing, keep sharing, any and every time you wish.

I am feeling an intense sadness today myself. I have tried to ask myself why and I couldn’t actually pin point a reason for this. I guess it’s a buildup of everything. So I’m counting down the hours until this day is over and hope for a new and better day tomorrow.

You are absolutely right @Itsnotyouitsme. You do know. I hope to the bottom of my soul you are feeling better. I apologize for late response. I have been having to limit my time on my phone/internet/SM lately, I find I get lost in it, and not with the most positive of things, I usually come away from it more depressed than before I picked it up. I had a few more complications since last talked but just won’t get into more, you ‘know’. Just wanted to say thank you and sincerely hope you are feeling stronger or better. I specifically came here because I was feeling a certain kind of way I was last time and just wanted to feel less alone. Your reply made me feel better, and less alone - thank you so much for taking the time.

Thank you to everyone who responded, I really appreciate it. I know how exhausting it all can be. Even frustrating for some. It’s so hard to give advice when dealing with matters so extreme other than ‘breathe’.. breathe and strive for peace. I hope every one of you have more peace than you know what to do with if not now than a n the very near future, because you all deserve it so much. Good night.

 

[Itsnotyouitsme]

You are absolutely right @Itsnotyouitsme. You do know. I hope to the bottom of my soul you are feeling better. I apologize for late response. I have been having to limit my time on my phone/internet/SM lately, I find I get lost in it, and not with the most positive of things, I usually come away from it more depressed than before I picked it up. I had a few more complications since last talked but just won’t get into more, you ‘know’. Just wanted to say thank you and sincerely hope you are feeling stronger or better. I specifically came here because I was feeling a certain kind of way I was last time and just wanted to feel less alone. Your reply made me feel better, and less alone - thank you so much for taking the time.

Thank you to everyone who responded, I really appreciate it. I know how exhausting it all can be. Even frustrating for some. It’s so hard to give advice when dealing with matters so extreme other than ‘breathe’.. breathe and strive for peace. I hope every one of you have more peace than you know what to do with if not now than a n the very near future, because you all deserve it so much. Good night.

I guess it’s me having to apologise for the late response this time, just like yourself I am trying to limit my time on the World Wide Web and social media as it can often have an adverse effect. I am so glad that my response might’ve brightened up your day, even if it was for a split second. I’m grateful for you and all of the other people who have taken the time to respond to me. It really does make you feel less alone.

Unfortunately I still seem to be dwelling on my trauma & my life post-trauma, definitely missing the days prior when I was oh so blissfully unaware of the pain this world can hold. Questioning why I was dealt these cards, what was it supposed to ‘teach’ me?. I’ve felt stuck and at a real crossroads for a long time but it is definitely more intense at the moment. I’m not entirely sure what I am doing, which direction to go in. Lost really.