This makes me sick

[Casey_03]

ALL of them and anything else you have and go to the women's shelter and ask for assistance there getting your restraining order.

The shitty thing is I did go through a women's shelter, and that's what their lawyers told me -- that it won't get granted unless it's a recent threat. They said I can't use the threats he made weeks and months ago. And this is after I gave them all the details on everything he's done. He's really very clever in his threats and emails, and I worry that what I see as a threat (and know is a threat based on his history), a judge might not. I don't really know. I know I can't use the emails he sent today, because there was nothing threatening in them. He'll actually probably try to use them against me in some way to claim I'm blocking access.

It's just one big shit show. It also may be different in my case because he's not a U.S. citizen and he resides in a different country. Which actually makes things harder for him.

 

[desiderata310]

The shitty thing is I did go through a women's shelter, and that's what their lawyers told me -- that it won't get granted unless it's a recent threat

What, do you live in the deep south?
Check around for a pro-bono lawyer who specializes. OR call them again and ask if that's true.
Either way, TODAY, take that baby, go to the park, or out for ice cream and stay away from all electronic devices the rest of the day.
f*ck him.
A father is someone who does more than ask for Skype time with a baby that won't remember it.

Like I said before, This isn't for you, it's for the kid.

 

[Casey_03]

He has no parental rights. NO MORE VISITATION ANYMORE. Do you understand. NONE. He's a danger to you and your child and he's a flight risk. He's not stable. f*ck what the rest of the world thinks or says. Use the resources available to you locally. Get the help you need and don't let this motherf*cker do this anymore.

Thanks, for some reason I just saw this part now. I may have just been out of my head before when I was reading; have since calmed down a bit. This is what I keep focusing on -- he has no parental rights because he CHOSE not to have parental rights. I didn't prevent him from having them. And he has the right to file for them at any time; I'm not stopping him from doing that.

I did get out of the house for a bit and tried to focus on my son and play with him. He's asleep now, and I'm realizing just how much my anxiety spikes whenever I hear from my son's father. Through the roof. Having all sorts of fears, not even connected to him. And this is exactly why he needs to stop contacting me. If he wants his parental rights, he'll have to go through a court. I can't sacrifice my own mental well-being.

 

[Heather]

I'm sorry he's screwing with your head and making your anxiety sky rocket.

I think he's f.o.s. unless you get actual court papers from him...do what you want. If you don't think he's good for your baby keep him away.

He lives across an ocean. I don't think you have anything to worry about for the foreseeable future.

Hang in there @Casey_03

 

[DandylionWishes]

Hi sweetheart - ready to get your summer reading done early? Sorry, but this may be long winded...

I hear you and feel your pain. Hand me a paddle and I'll do my best to help you paddle this boat we're in - ugh.

My former (& fictional husband - psychopath) would work me into a full on cptsd episode a week prior & after visitation. The man can feed off of a simple twitch of my eyebrow and pounce. That's not a life - it's hell.

A happy mommy makes a happy child which means it will take work to keep this "doner" (definitely not a father) at least a bit accountable for his bullying and manipulations. There is only ONE way to deal with someone of his caliber and it is to go 100% NO CONTACT! I have had to do this solo - no court involvement because his sick, evil talent makes me look like a loon and he the perfect & upstanding citizen he is NOT!

The method I use that has given me piece of mind, ammunition for legal action and off of my bathroom floor in the fetal position, is a third part website called Our Family Wizard (although I'm sure there are others out there). LIFE SAVER! It tracks all of his communications online and can be tracked by your lawyer as well as being accepted by almost all courts in the U.S. I do have to pay $100/yr each (spendy, but I can't put a price on the difference it's made) and of course, he hates it (can't play his games). It has the option to pay for his subscription for him too so he has no excuse not to use it. (Yep! I have to buy his every year he texts me to say his subscription is expiring so I have to contact him at _____ email address. Nice try jerk!)

Complaints over having to log in to read your messages, see if you've messaged or whatever lame excuse I'm sure he'll pull? Nope! It has a built in phone app that texts you each time the other parent writes a message as well as notification via email - and if he can Skype, he can use the web! (I'll admit, I still have a massive anxiety every time my phone notifies me he's left a message, but it beats the alternative.)

My ex refused time and time again to contact me via OFW and I had to push through the B.S. and my discomfort/panic and stick to my guns by never answering the phone (I had a cheap phone line installed that is for the sole purpose of communication between my 3 children & their "father"). When he then pushed for Skype? Absolutely! Give me a day and time and we will go to the library and use the computers there. His sole purpose is to invade my home & privacy. Whaddya know? He was no longer interested.

I had to initially replied to texts with one line, "Please use OFW for all communications." over and over and NOTHING more. It took time but meant he had no ammo for the stupid and horse crap "parental alienation" excuse (a concept of Dr. Richard Gardner's who fought against child advocates with his twisted belief that, "there is a little bit of pedophelia in all of us" WHAT-THE-F*#CK?!?!! I'm not sorry the man took his own life.). - please don't crucify me for my opinions & feelings folks.

OFW has a place for journaling/documenting his actions, expense/reimbursement requests that he may choose to pay or refuse which when he doesn't pay, gives you ammo for court (no "I forgot" or "she never said anything" or whatever other stupid excuse). It has a ton of great features including a "tone meter" which notifies you of anything from words that may be interpreted as too aggressive, potentially upsetting, ambiguous - stuff he can manipulate or use against you. (I chose not to throw in the $10 to purchase this feature for him and it's worked beautifully in my favor.)

It is a fabulous documentation method. It cuts out the accusations of your documents being tampered with or his tampering with them and those judges with subjective opinions who are easily influenced- excellent! ~ I always make sure to stick to the B.I.F.F. rule with any and all communications (Brief, Informative, Firm, Friendly - nothing more! Anything more is ammo and may potentially make you look bad in court)

It does mean I have to make big sacrifices too though. 100% no contact on a voluntary basis means finding a third party or using the Sheriff's Office for exchanges. Often having to forfeit games, recitals, performances - but my well being trumps those and my children benefit much more from my sanity than they do from me stuck on the bathroom floor just so I can cheer them on. It's not easy, but absolutely worth it! I hope your p.o.s. stays overseas and you never have to deal with this - it sucks.

I'm sorry anyone ever has to be faced with, much less be burdened with sick individuals like this - especially when it's a co-parent we're stuck with. Throughout the U.S. the #1 priority of our court system is to reunite children with their parents at all costs (like some counseling will change a persons character - it won't!). I do not know how it works if one parent is not a U.S. citizen. I'm hopeful this will work in your favor! If you cannot afford an attorney, you can ask one online for around $40 for unlimited questions per month and cancel anytime (I used it for a month a packed as many questions as I could into that month!) and there's also legal insurance. I pay $20 a month for legal insurance via a company called Legal Shield, but I'm sure there are others out there. It saves me the $2,000 retainers plus the additional costs that are an inevitability.

I hope you can find some help or relief from my experience- it took me years to find these resources.

I wish you peace, light and love. I cannot impart to you enough...self care MUST be your #1 priority if you are to be the great and loving mommy you sound like you are.

 

[DandylionWishes]

Be aware that you will hear and or possibly SEE your abuser there. THAT is difficult. Been there,...

You can get either have your attorney talk to the judge or you can talk to the judge expressing your distress and request that your portion of the proceedings be held behind closed doors without the defendant. There are no guarantees, but it never hurts to try.
Also, I'm not sure how this works as I need to stop procrastinating and research this for myself - but if you've been diagnosed with PTSD, you also have resources through the ADA including court advocates. (I soooo need an advocate!)
Again, I'm sorry we're in this stupid and unfair boat, but if you hand me a paddle - I'll help.
You're welcome to pm me.
Much love and light to you ~ Namaste

 

[DandylionWishes]

And @desiderata310 - I'm praying I don't get the T-shirt!!

 

[Deleted member 37085]

I feel physically sick over this and am struggling to breathe. So, today is my son's first birthday. N...

I hear you and understand about your ex-husband (your son's father) and Happy Birthday! to your son~Yippee~Woo-hoo~ my father (deceased) wasn't joking when he told mother he was taking us away from her. And he did, and what a mess that was! So, be proactive and do preventative steps to ensure that your being full represented regarding how well you treat your son and oh! how much that you love him, for my father was not joking when he told mother he hated her and was taking us from her.

Also @Casey_03 you are a wonderful mother by what you've posted here and you care so much about your beloved now this day 1yr. old son, and you rock! Continue protecting yourself from son's father and being who you are, not who he treats you like. Sounds like your ex does not know what a freaking boundary is, just sayin'. Make this a fantastic memory (I'm sure you will) of your son's very first birthday EVER! You rock! Jade.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

This...

and this ...

And of course this...



THIS is bullshit.

Take all the emails. ALL of th...

For me too, it is BS! to have to wait for another incident in order to file be able to w/judge file restraining order (w/n 24hrs. of incident) crap. I didn't know this either. Jade.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

Sorry, I guess I didn't make it very clear. It has me so panicked because he's my abuser and has been...

What a freaking jerk, and I know he's you son's father, what a f'd up excuse for a father this guy is! Trying to punch you while in labor, I'd like to use what little if any (so far only had one class) of tai chi I know to whoop his a**, sorry, he gets my blood aboilin'.

 

[Neverthesame]

I'm sure he's sitting there telling his family exactly that: "She won't let me see my son on his birthday! See? She's a terrible mother and blocking access!"

If he was my son. My response to this would be:
"How much are you giving her for child support, while you are unable to be there to raise your child? I wouldn't want to think that you would willingly put my grandson in a position of not being able to have all the things he should have in life"
"Diapers are expensive, since you aren't there to change them, are you buying them? Paediatrician's are very expensive there. You are making sure he gets one if he's ill, and not some GP from a free clinic?"
"What about school? Don't you want your son to have a college degree, so he can be successful and have a better life than I could give you?"

"That's what you are doing right? You aren't actually whining to me about her lack of parenting skill, when you are half a world away doing absolutely nothing?"
"That boy has one parent, and it sure as hell isn't you. So far you only qualify as 'sperm donor', I've yet to see you do any parenting."
"And why not? Because you can't get along with the mother? Grow up."

^----If his parents didn't say something along those lines, then they are just as big a pile of human garbage as he is. This really is how I would respond to this, because this is what my parents would say to me if I tried to pull this kind of bullshit.

If they aren't thoroughly disgusted and ashamed of their deadbeat son's behaviour, then they don't deserve to be in your sons life and their opinions of you are equally rubbish. They would be nothing but a bad influence and terrible role models for LM.
Garbage needs to be removed, or it will become toxic and make everyone in the home sick.

I think garbage day is coming up soon, maybe it's time to take out the trash?

 

[Casey_03]

Yes, I know he has lied to them about absolutely everything -- told them the baby was the result of a one-night stand, that I'm a violent, unstable person, that I'm an unfit mother, that I block access ... and so on and so forth. I'm sure they don't know that he refused to come visit his son because he didn't want to pay to stay in a hotel. That is among the many, many other things they probably don't know. He has created an entire alternate reality for his family.

He also said in a recent email that his family is pushing to have my son taken away from me, on the basis that I am supposedly a risk to the child's wellbeing. For one, if I am such a risk and they are so concerned about a child they haven't lifted a finger for, why haven't they taken any action to save the child from the so-called risk? And why is he emailing now as if nothing ever happened and we are on good terms, asking for a Skype meeting? I responded and told him this is now a legal matter that should only be handled in court and he must not contact me again out of court.