This Might Be It

[Justaguy76]

My life has been a mess for the last 10 plus years. Lately, due to a series of events I put in motion and am responsible for life is once again spiraling out of control, I feel like I have no friends, things between my current wife and I are the worst they have ever been, and who would even notice or care if I took my life. Sure it would hurt my wife and kids in the short term, but long term they would have to deal with me. Looking back I can see how slowly over time I have become self centered, hateful, short tempered , irratible, and nasty. It feels like it's too late , like nothing will ever be normal again.

I have made several plans over the years on how best to do it. I think I will wait till after Christmas is over and not ruin that too. I don't know why I am writing this. Maybe to try and explain myself I guess.

 

[Ronin]

Sure it would hurt my wife and kids in the short term

No, it would hurt them for a lifetime. There's no fix to that kind of a damage.

You're alive mate. It's not too late. & Maybe you're looking into the ugly phrases mirror, instead of looking into some other one.

'Self centered' can be simply aware of own needs, 'hateful' if not acted on can be 'aware of good and bad sides of any group of people', and traits awareness is a good thing, short fuse can be the ability to react quickly in other settings, irritability is a sign of being able to discern quickly (I mean you don't get mad at a pattern if you don't spot it for a pattern of some sort), 'nasty' is followed by 'nasty to whom', and is correctible by communication & patience.

The best plan is the one that keeps you alive and gets you help. Do you have that one?

 

[Gs172003]

My life has been a mess for the last 10 plus years. Lately, due to a series of events I put in motio...

As somebody that lost a cousin to this. A COUSIN, no...they WONT just get over it. I lost him a year and a half ago.I'll never get fully over it. How do you think your kids and wife would feel to lose a dad and a husband?

You're not thinking logically, your thinking through pain. I didn't read the whole post. I couldn't. This is the only part I could get to. You have to get help, if not for you, for them.

 

[Bloomy]

I understand you all to well. Was almost as I could have written it myself. Ive found the place too. I dont think its selfish. For me the dificulties been so severe that its been a relive for me to know I have the choise If I cant live this life anymore. Dont know if It felt like that for you? A relive that you dont have to if you cant? Ive been goig on for 15 years with this.
Ive not been a person to have such thoughts before. Even when they dragged me through hell and I could barely walk back I didnt have these thoughts. But the aftermath caused me a life in ruin. I could not and still cant find the help and support I so much need. Exept here on this sight.

But - there is a big big BUT. Forget about your wife. You have kids. I have a kid. That is all that matters. I know my daughter loves me. I know that I cant be replaced in her eyes. So if I cant live for myself or see any reason the Ive come to the realisation that it would hurt her so much If I where to leave. And her love for me makes it worth while to take up the battle to figure out this once and for all. I can still have my exit plan just in case Ill not succeed. But I need to give it a chanse for her sake a little longer.

If there is anything worth while is to give your kids love and let them love you back to life. To take up the struggle again. To find a meaning worth while. Maybe give it a timelimit so that you can rest assure that if you cant make it youll still have your exit? I got two years exit. Meaning I got two more years to make it. Feels good for me to have such a limit. Means that Im obliged to muster all the courage I have left and all the energy to find any solution at all worth while.

I hope you make it - I hope you take well care - and I hope you dont give up.

Ps: sensitive topic so if admin find my post offencive please let me know and delete this.

 

[Justaguy76]

When I used those descriptive words, they weren't words I came up with. They aren't what I see upon looking in the mirror. My self description would be worse. They are words my current wife has used to describe me, it has taken a long time but I don't disagree. After 7 years together I feel like she has hit the wall and has given up. I have finally listened to her and have been going to talk with a local psychologist. While I find some of our talks helpful, I don't think things will change fast enough for my wife. I love her and don't want to lose her and can't imagine going through a second divorce. I feel like I am a huge disappointment to everyone. I feel like I am barely putting on a good front at work and even worse at home. Today I am overwhelmed with with feelings of sadness, self loathing, anxiety, and feel like while everyone is out it would be so easy to walk out to the garage and go away. Then I have thoughts about my kids and the harm I am doing to them, and the harm I will do to them if I stay. For now I will stay till Christmas and try and not ruin it for them.

 

[Gs172003]

When I used those descriptive words, they weren't words I came up with. They aren't what I see upon...

My advise to you is to find a couple counselor that knows PTSD and let them tell her what the deal is. Maybe she doesn't realize just what the deal is. If she won't, YOU find a counselor that deals with PTSD if you haven't already and do what you need to do to be able to be a dad to your kids. Trust me. They want you.

 

[Bloomy]

Not sure what you mean about its your wifes words? That you are self centered? How old is your kids? Is it possible to fex ask your wife to just hug you /hold you? To express your need of comfort in such a simple way? Seems to me that its part of what could be good for you? Personally sometimes I cant stand anymore words, explanation and such. I just want some one to hold me without so much ablablabla. Maybe to express your needs if something that could be good or you?
And please - christmas and new year or birthdays are not the right time for anything. Can you make an agreement atlesst until next fall? That gives you more time and chanse to figure this out. You really need to talk to someone about this. Or your self. People can be a help but as I see for myself I also need to be a help for myself too.

Please take well care - sending you warm thoughts

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Sure it would hurt my wife and kids in the short term,

Long term. For the remainder of their lives. Think of your kids; do you want to cause them that sort of pain? When on the edge, it helps me to see that I actually will be leaving a few people behind and that pain that they would feel isn't fair. It isn't their fault that what I can't deal with happened.

Now, I know you don't want to die but struggling with the pain you feel. Do you have a therapist? Does that therapist know how suicidal you are? Can you make a suicide contract with them?

No-Suicide Contracts - What They are and How to Use Them - No-Suicide Contracts - Suicide.org!

Mine also has distraction techniques, self soothing techniques, some other CBT & DBT stuff, just a ton of stuff. If all of that stuff fails I will chat with a crisis chat and if that fails the ER for me.

For you, reaching out to therapist might be before the crisis chat, I just can't call, text, or email my therapist.

If you don't have a therapist, I would advise to obtain one. It is very hard to deal with this stuff alone.

CBT thought records: Cognitive Therapy Guide: Thought Records

DBT distraction: ACCEPTS

DBT self soothing: Self-Sooth

Crisis chat: CrisisChat - Chat

Crisis text: Crisis Text Line

I know you are in a lot of pain and I am sorry it is happening! :hug:

 

[Friday]

Nope. Your leaving would hurt them in the short term. Your dying would hurt them for the rest of their lives.

 

[ladee]

This is a very personal topic for me right now. I go thru every day of my life with the thought there is going to be a knock on my door and someone telling me my son killed himself.
This next part is just my feelings and opinions. I don't know you. So take what you need and leave the rest.
He refuses to commit to get help. He refuses to see one positive thing in his life. Yet he has been very commited to being as you describe yourself or your wife's words.
That takes commitment to let your life fall apart while others stand by powerless to keep you from ruining others lives with self destruction.
Yet you at least had the courage to come here and tell us how you feel. He won't even do that.
Is he a lost cause? Are you a lost cause? NO to both of you. Where there is breath there is hope.
There are no quick fixes. No magic pills. Work! That's what we do. Even @Bloomy has given themselves a timeline. Not two weeks but two YEARS.
I hope you take your children on your lap and look deep into their eyes and tell yourself you are not that damned selfish.
When and if I get that knock on the door, I am going to need everyone of you to help me to put the pieces of my life back together.I would love for you to be here to help me.
A very permanent solution to temporary problems.
Get help. I'm out!!!

 

[Bloomy]

Very personal for me to and I am very thankful for @Justaguy76 to post this in the first place. Touchy but oh so important to be honest about in order to prevent.

Need to process this so very shortly wanted to say to @ladee its when I see daughter I know Im not selfish.

 

[ladee]

Too many times in my own recovery it was this very son that saved my life. And Yet in his world I am to blame for where he is. He is 47 yrs old. It stopped being my fault a long time ago
All I can do is pray he finds his way out.
OP sorry for hijacking your thread.