This Thing Called "Being In Love"

[Lisa]

So this is something that has always confused me. There are certain things about life and the world that I just. can't. understand.

Over the years, I have become very confused by the 'in love' thing. To demonstrate what I mean by all this, I'll use an example from the past. I had a best friend once, who I said "If I could marry a friend, I'd marry you, and I wish I could". You know, because I couldn't imagine life without her and I wanted to spend my life with her by my side. Marriage to me just meant that committment, that promise. But, you can't marry friends. And, of course, she found a boyfriend, and much to my dismay she disappeared entirely from my life. She did this twice, actually... the first time I took her back after she split with him. But the second time, I just couldn't go through that again. It broke my heart. But I also learned that she wasn't the kind of friend I could rely and depend on, which is seperate to this whole thing, and why we now no longer have any contact. I severely misjudged her character... but I was young and our feelings were once both genuine towards each other. It's just that she believed that to be 'together' you had to have sex so to her we were 'soul sisters'. And to me, we were too. But I can't understand why that isn't enough to qualify for a lifelong committment. I don't see why sex/making love has anything (ultimately) to do with that.

Because I didn't fancy her, I wouldn't have had sex with her... because I don't feel sexual attraction to anyone, and I hate sex. Obviously, I wondered about my sexuality... but it is a little hard to figure out your sexuality without sexual attraction! Now, everything works, but I don't feel sexual attraction towards anyone. Not male, female, or anyone I know, have ever met, or ever seen.

Were me and my friend in love? Probably not, thinking back. But only because she defined being in love to involve sex. Was I in love with her? At one time, yes... just without all the sexual stuff. But we grew out of our teens, and she changed into someone I barely liked, let alone loved. But anyway, that's not the point...

I have come to a different angle of thinking now... I don't think my issue is sexuality, it's more of a philosophical problem I guess. Because, from what I understand, society dictates that being 'in love', and marriage, requires sex. And this is what I have such trouble understanding. Seriously, I just don't get it. I know that makes me a freak, but... why? Why does it have to be like that? Why does the defining feature of romantic love have to be whether or not you have sex (or make love)? I don't love a person's genitals... I love them as a person. It makes me feel like the world is crazy... that, or I am an alien.

I have talked about this with friends before, and they have said that being in love means that the intimacy of love making comes with it naturally... because that's what being in love is about. That intimacy is just another part of it. Okay... I get that. But I don't like sex or making love... so does that mean I can never be in love? Why does whether I shag someone or not have to be the defining factor of marriage and relationships? I know there are celibate relationships and stuff, but generally speaking, if you're not having a sexual relationship, people don't accept it to be true 'love', or even a romantic relationship.

Why can't being in love mean having a soul mate, who you can't bear to be apart from? Why can't it mean someone who, when you're with them, you feel safe and know that, no matter what, everything will be okay as long as you have them? Why can't it be where you both know each other so intricately that you even love their imperfections... the ones that nobody else knows them well enough to spot?

This is a very hard issue for me to figure out. I don't know if my problem is my problems with sex due to the sexual abuse I went through, or if this would have been a problem regardless. Or if it is a sexuality issue (though I don't think so). Or am I simply different in how I think about life and being in love, and relationships? Or am I a plain outright freak?

It all confuses me so much. And it makes me angry... why should I miss out on having that someone in my life just because I don't like sex, or making love (trust me, I can do neither). Why should I be denied a committed relationship for life, just because 90% of the population just have to have sex in order to call it a relationship?

Is the world just not getting the point, or is it me who is just not getting the point?

 

[Nicolette]

Interesting take on the definition of love Lisa. I do agree that sex is not everything and if you build a relationship on only that alone it is doomed to fail. Intimacy is a different issue to me than having sex. Guys can have sex with a woman and walk away without feelings other than the gratification of the act in its self. Women tend to get emotionally involved once sex is brought into the arena.

Personally, I need to think more about what you have written in order to reply but in the meantime say this to you:

One day you will meet the right person and you can have all what you need...you just have to put yourself out there in the meantime, and you may have to kiss a few frogs, but don't give up on what feels right for you.

 

[No-Twitch-Tabitha]

I've been mulling over this post.

You know those people who say their significant other is their best friend?

I want that.

 

[Deleted member 93]

I very much want to come back to this and will. I think I have a lot of opinions on it, I am just too tired to go that deep coherently.

 

[Lisa]

Thanks Nicolette. i hope what you say is true....

I'm glad others are needing to mull over this too actually... it means I must have a point somewhere in this... so I'm not completely off the rails I take it. LOL.

No-Twith Tabitha... exactly. This is what I think and want too.

Veiled... no problem. I would be interested to hear your thoughts whenever you are up for posting them!

I do understand the difference between intimacy and sex. I know that for people in love, intimacy becomes more than the gratuitious sex men (and woman !) have just to get their rocks off. I also know that when people are in love, making love is about getting as close as possible physically, and giving them something that only close relationships (should) give.

But what does that mean for those who don't view that sexual intimacy or closeness as anything other tha painful? Does it mean that I *must* learn the enjoyable side of it in order to conform? Or can love exist without the sexual intimacy? It just seems to be that having sex is a societal default part of a romantic relationship... and that to me seems unfair and beyond the point of such relationships. Because there is more than on way to be intimate... it doesn't have to be physical or sexual.

Because I'm different to the 'norm'. I don't view sexual intimacy as loving. I view it as abusive and dirty. Now, I know that's not how most view it and that is a result of my own personal past. But why can't this just be accepted, instead of being informed all the time that I "should not" feel this way and that the only way I can (realistically) fall in love is to overcome this... because men just *can't* have a relationship without sex the majority of time.

Whatever is wrong with the old fashioned solo way if it's that important?!

 

[Nicolette]

Lisa I hope you meet someone who will take the time with you and be patient while helping you 'unlearn' what you know to be true. I don't know the full extent of your abuse but I dare to say that, given the right circumstances, you may learn to associate your current feelings to the people who inflicted such abuse on you and learn that not everyone is the same. I do hope so as being "in love" rather than being "in lust" is a really nice, warm and safe place to be. Hang in there and don't give up on yourself or on love.

 

[Lisa]

Thank you, Nicolette.

 

[mouse]

Wow Lisa, this really did get the brain going, as I say that I also feel very fortunate as I do have my best friend who is my significant other.

Like best friends we fight, and argue as well as disagree. I am very lucky that he understands and respects that sex isnt what drives our relationship it can't be because it triggers me too much, more importantly its just having someone who is here for me.

 

[upstream]

Came accross an interesting thread that includes the male side of this issue from a number of men:

http://www.peertrainer.com/LoungeCommunityThread.aspx?ForumID=1&ThreadID=52882

Not sure why this discussion popped up on a weight loss website... interesting place for it.

 

[Lisa]

Thanks Upstream. It was interesting to read... Appreciate it...

 

[morgan]

Lisa, I think I just fell in love with you. ;)

 

[spiritofnow]

I beleive that love is ultimately about trust! Trusting someone enough to share yourself wiht them in a way that you would not with anyone else. Love is two dimensional physical and mental. You feel them in both ways.

Perhaps being physical with the one you love is another form of commitment? You give yourself to that person in every way and allow them to experience you!

More importantly I believe that not liking or hateing sex is something that needs to be addressed. You are denying yourself the beautiful pleasures of the body.

I was abused sexually and it has taken me a long time to feel like a sexual being. The misplaced guilt and the shame. I thought sex was disgusting and that I was disgusting if I did it.

Now I realsie that to share myself and to experience that special someone in this way is beautiful. It really is!