Thought Of This While Very "down"

[Jesseve]

Would you miss me when I'm gone? Or would you hate me for being wrong? I waited to live my life so long, why would I end it after just one song?
Would you forgive me if I left? Pray for my soul, may it be blessed? Inside my head, who knew it was stressed? Is their any way to heal me, any way but death? Throw it on the test of time. It's sour upon my wounds like lime so forgive this please, my impulsive crime. Let us part, please let this end and with it I hope you heartache mends. I didn't intend to harm your soul, I just couldn't cope, had no control.
Would I still be your best friend?
Even if you knew, you'd never see me again?
-Rosemarie Powell

I think about about suicide every single day. Happy or sad it plays in my head like mental block one to three times a day. I don't want to die. I tried and was close in 2010 from intentional overdose but seeing the people I love most around my hospital bed, crying and blaming each other I knew I didn't Have to be here for me I could be here for them. I just want to feel normal without these images taking from my happiness :( I have a hard time letting my partner into my head and opening up about how I feel. I feel extremely uncomfortable around guns because of my suicidal thinking but my partner wants to get a gun. Last week we went by a gun store and I tried to hide it but I had a panic attack. He just thought I was upset so we left. How do I explain these feelings to him without seeming like a complete basket case?

 

[silkleaves]

I would tell him that you have an intense fear of having a gun in the house and ask him to respect where you are coming from. Hopefully, that would be enough for him to understand that this is something that really bothers you.

When I was living with my ex, or rather...back it up, before that when he came to visit me and I cooked for him, he remarked surprise that I had no knives, beyond silverware, and said he would buy me some. I'm pretty sure the horror I felt at the idea came through in my expression cause he dropped it and the whole time we were together, we had no knives in the kitchen.

After a few years together, I did finally tell him why, he totally understood and that was the end of that, but I do appreciate that he didn't push it, and respected my need to not have them around even before he knew why.

Oh and by the way...it took me over 13 years, but I do now have a knife block in my kitchen. The first one I bought was in the dumpster within a week because I was having all sorts of issues, but then I tried again after a couple years. I do have my moments where I want to get them out of here, but so far its been about 2 years and I still have them. So at some point, eventually, there's a possibility you will be able to overcome this. At least to the point where its not a constant source of anxiety.

 

[Jesseve]

Thank you for your hope inspiring response. I don't even want to commit suicide anymore so why is it always there? What if he's not as understanding as I hope? What if its just blown off as me being unreasonable. I'm so frustrated with myself!!!

 

[silkleaves]

I'm very knee-jerk or umm...there's a term for it, when I act first, think later? Anyway, if my ex had insisted on getting knives I would have flipped out, packed my stuff and left that day. So I'm not of much help there!

 

[Jesseve]

You've been great :D