Other Thoughts from the Spectrum??? My Mom

[RussellSue]

My own ma is very "not there" for me, is highly avoidant and declining.

I am sorry. It is so hard.

I get a lot of feedback that I should basically let her figure things out on her own. Maybe I am over the top with codependence but I don't think that's it. My mom loves me and I don't think she means to hurt me -- she just copes poorly.

I am going to encourage her to get help and hope that she does.

Thanks again for your insight.

 

[mumstheword]

I am sorry. It is so hard.

I get a lot of feedback that I should basically let her figure things out on her own. Maybe I am over the top with codependence but I don't think that's it. My mom loves me and I don't think she means to hurt me -- she just copes poorly.

I am going to encourage her to get help and hope that she does.

Thanks again for your insight.

No worries..
One more thing ...when i was participating on the Aspergers/Autism forum, I read and participated in a thread put up by an older Aspie/Autie, who was writing about how those troublesome traits actually get worse with age. Other's quickly added agreement to this sentiment.

It is, unfortunately, proving to be the case with my folks.

Myself, I don't have the energy for "masking" or any, avoidable socializing, anymore, unlike when I was in my 20's, and 30's but, I am committed to making the most of any level of neuroplasticity at my disposal, but, still, I find myself wanting a very quiet life.

If you do get to move closer to your ma, it might be that she's totally resistant to change, but, if it's at all possible to encourage her to challenge her capacity for poly vagal recovery, via safe and supportive socializing, or any kind of theraputic support, it will, surely, mitigate the cognitive and social capacity decline somewhat.

My dad has acknowledged his Autism/Aspergers, but won't really do anything beyond acknowledging that it's a thing. He's a churchgoer but due to lockdown that's declined this year. This year of lockdown he's declined hugely, from what my uncle's said.

I've been on the phone to him, but his calls have dropped off, considerably and I've rung him a few times myself, which I NEVER used to do. I'm pretty hopeless, in many ways, as a family member

My own personal thoughts and feelings on the matter is that we (Auties) need quite a bit more patient and considerate support, especially as we age and, ideally, when we are young. If we give up on working to expand our capacity toward socializing, due to the sheer exhaustion, and fraught nature of such, lack of opportunity, and other's lack of efforts toward inclusion, our brains atrophy rather more pronouncedly.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's likely that you will have to put in a large amount of the effort into prying your ma out, and her capacity has, likely, already diminished considerably, due to the Autism-brain-aging propensity and habitual rigidity that is a key feature of this condition.

It's kind of unfair, as we (Auties) don't mature, emotionally, particularly on par, at all, without tremendous efforts and supports, and then, when not "working the neuroplacticity and polyvagal repair mechanisms" with concerted attention and efforts, we rapidly degenerate in social and neural capacity.

 

[RussellSue]

an older Aspie/Autie, who was writing about how those troublesome traits actually get worse with age. Other's quickly added agreement to this sentiment.

If you do get to move closer to your ma, it might be that she's totally resistant to change, but, if it's at all possible to encourage her to challenge her capacity for poly vagal recovery, via safe and supportive socializing, or any kind of theraputic support, it will, surely, mitigate the cognitive and social capacity decline somewhat.

I feel like I am hearing a decline in my mother every time we speak. At 64, I feel like she should not be going downhill like this already but I know that since I left she is doing very little off of her property.

We used to do our grocery shopping together. Or rather, I would take her shopping because she is a menace and a heart attack victim waiting to happen when she gets behind the wheel. I was in at least 3 car accidents while she was driving, so I demanded to be the designated driver. She was fine with that because she believes that I am back driving luck for her. Living over an hour from the store, we would only go once a month and totally overdo it but we always made a nice day of it with lunch and everything. It was admittedly hard on both of us as far as anxiety was concerned. But now, she isn't going to town at all and just picks things up at one of the two tiny stores in town which means she's eating tons of frozen food and not much of anything that might help her brain work better.

The problem that I see is that the town she lives outside of is not a safe place. I will not move back there. We probably will move back to the area after my husband is done with his teaching license, but to a neighboring county because the drugs/alcohol/ridiculous shit is too much for me. But she does like doing things with me and maybe I could regularly take her to an art class in a nearby town or something. She is a great artist. I wish she would go to church but "people are assholes" and "the church would probably catch fire" if she walked in. She was abused pretty seriously by my grandmother for having premarital sex with my father and she seems to have really internalized it.

My own personal thoughts and feelings on the matter is that we (Auties) need quite a bit more patient and considerate support, especially as we age and, ideally, when we are young.

My mother got a lot of handouts from my grandparents in the form of decades of free rent and the like but they never, ever made mention that there might be anything about my mother that meant she needed any help. My grandfather died nearly two years ago at 94 -- my experience with that generation has been that there are no complicated problems, just smiles and sun hats big enough to be convincing. He and my grandmother had no space for mental issues. I tried to talk to them about mine and found out firsthand that we were not about to be real about shit.

Unfortunately, during our trip to see my grandfather, I yelled at my mother (for trying to get my husband to move guns back and forth over state lines without knowing what the actual laws were behind my back). I have been excellent at not losing my cookies with her for my whole life because I know she can't take it. And I did apologize to her, explaining that she triggered me back to the time I almost went to jail in a zero-tolerance state over the pot in my car that I honestly did not know about. She apologized back and she obviously felt bad. She has, nevertheless, been afraid of me since. I could tell she was really working to get past it as she did continue to shop with me after this but I moved away only about 5 months later and that timing may have complicated things.

So, we might be back to square one on an emotional level when we get back there.

her capacity has, likely, already diminished considerably, due to the Autism-brain-aging propensity and habitual rigidity that is a key feature of this condition.

That's what I have been afraid of just through observation and it makes me want to push for the sooner rather than the later moving plan possibility but we have our own set of limitations, too.

I get frustrated, I think rightfully so, that she isn't doing anything to help herself. On the other side of that, I feel like she has never had a single person in her life capable of showing her how. I am the only person she has ever been near who has been in any sort of recovery for more than a month at a time. And I hate that her husband dragged her out to that trash-heap desert wonderland to cognitively rot but he's running from his problems, so why shouldn't she?

But if she would listen to anyone, it would be me and I know that. She always has at least tried to take what I had to say under consideration.

and then, when not "working the neuroplacticity and polyvagal repair mechanisms" with concerted attention and efforts, we rapidly degenerate in social and neural capacity.

That is unfair. I didn't realize.

Thank you so much. This is helpful.