Thoughts Keep Pinging Me

[leira]

I never would. I really wouldn't. I have a wonderful husband and two teenage children, and I'd never ever cause them the pain.

And yet, I can't get ideas out of my head. Not ideas I'd act on, but wishes, longing, a dark hunger. a driving down the road, imagining slamming into the big truck behind or next to me, or an embankment or whatever.

An almost event, and regret that it's not.

Yet, again, this is not something I'd ever do, so why can't I get it out of my head?

I wanted to as a child. Just never had the courage and strength. It wouldn't have mattered then, or hurt anyone -- that would have been the time to act, not now.

I had a bottle of pills I'd stolen, used to count them out in my hand, hold them at night, imagine taking them. I wanted things to end, be over.

Now that PTSD has raised its head, that longing is back, but for no reason. I have a good life now, why am I so haunted by a past over and gone? I don't get it.

Anyway.

Don't know the point of this.

 

[anthony]

The point Leira is that you're acknowledging the thoughts and talking about them, well done. Ignoring them just makes it worse. Suicidal ideation is perfectly normal with PTSD, and people need to know that. They need to talk about and not be ashamed of it... well done. Thinking about dying and planning to kill yourself, very different. Acknowledging what you have to live for is also an excellent trait, as it reminds you why you're discussing this to begin with.

There is reason Leira... its called PTSD. PTSD will do everything it can to knock you down, and the worst end of the spectrum, is PTSD gets people to kill themselves. Well done for talking about what you feel, identifying positives for what you have to live for, and just accept that its perfectly normal thoughts with PTSD.

Really well done.

 

[IvyMillie]

I'm glad that Anthony was able to reassure you. It's good that you see that your life is good, and that you don't want to really do that. If you ever find yourself taking some step that might make it closer, please seek some help. It's good that you can talk about it.

 

[OKRADLAK]

It is so common, sadly, with PTSD I think. It comes and goes with me, waxes and wanes. I try to come here a lot when it waxes because it's hard to tell a T. They get kind of scared. If I REALLY thought I would, though, I would very much tell a T. because I do not want my abusers to take my life. I survived for a reason. :)

 

[leira]

I have been in therapy exactly a year today. I have a very experienced trauma trained therapist, and that does help. I've hinted all around this, not sure we've discussed it directly.

Good to know that it's normal, I guess, but sometimes I get so tired.

Sometimes I almost regret the tether of a family who loves and needs me.

Wow, feels strange saying this out loud.

 

[jewel]

I told my T today about a very vivid SI fantasy...something that I have thought of a lot. I think it unnerved him but he said as long ad I want to work through it that is positive. It's such a wicked battle. My T team goes through the ups and downs with me. It makes me feel so sad for them and sad for me too. 

 

[Bordo66]

hey leira,

I had the same thing 2 months ago, I took 80mg of temazepam with 4 beers. Passed out for 8 hours.

I can only tell you this: try to find a psychiatrist with some good anti-depression medication.
If seen the shit side of life, now that Im doing better I can say that I like this side a lot more!

The past that keeps coming back is a part of PTSD, it will go away if you have good medication and a good therapist.

Good luck,

Bordo

 

[maddog]

Leira, it takes such courage and humility and honesty to say what you have said, not to mention enormous insight. As others have said, as hard as it is, suicide ideation isn't something to shy away from, or especially to deny. It is what it is, a normal, natural and entirely to-be-expected symptom of dealing with life events that test the very foundations of our human resilience. It's ok to say you think about it, even often. I suspect those among us who deny they ever have may well be stretching the truth at best. It doesn't mean you're crazy, bad, rejecting of those who love you, or sentenced to struggle with this forever. It just means you're human, and you hurt, sometimes very badly.

It's something I've always struggled to acknowledge too. I used to only be able to share my thoughts with my psych in writing, as dialogue was too confronting. His own reaction of calmness and pragmatic acceptance has helped to mould my own approach just a little, so that now we can discuss it, even if just a little.

Hugs to you Leira. Sometimes the hardest decision we make is the one to survive.

Maddog

 

[AngelaMarie]

I tried to end everything about 5plus years ago and failed. I would NEVER do it again, but now I understand that it's not really about being dead for me...it's about stopping the pain and having a little bit of a rest. Also, understanding that I do have a right to live and there must be a reason I am here.

 

[leira]

Wow, thank you everyone so much for the responses.

Bordo66 -- I have some A/D meds -- well, and I am ashamed to admit I've kind of fallen off the bandwagon of taking them. I haven't told my therapist that, but I imagine she probably is going to guess from the tenor of my emails lately. Guess I should try taking them again.

Jewel - glad you have a team that works well with you! Don't be sad for them, they chose their careers because they get something back from reaching out.

Maddog -- thank you. You've reduced me to near-tears. I also only share in writing, luckily I have a therapist who accepts and encourages emails, or she wouldn't know a tenth of what she does! A hundredth! Yes, there is so much hurting, that's what I grow so weary of.

AngelaMarie -- I'm so sorry your pain drove you to the attempt, but glad you are in a better place now. I don't think I ever really would follow through, but it's like Maddog and you both say -- it's the pain and wanting a break from it.

 

[Lionheart]

Leira,
I appreciate your sharing your experience. I was having suicidal ideations the other night. Once I changed my thoughts I began to feel better, then I fell asleep and got some much needed rest. I awoke feeling 100% better. All it was is that, I needed a break from the pain and other symptoms for awhile. It is something that comes and goes, but I can recognize it for what it is now and I won't give into it. I am glad that you haven't given in to it either!!!

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Sometimes I almost regret the tether of a family who loves and needs me.

I have this feeling often. Ashamed, I have many blessings, but know there is much pain ahead. Fear of the future is where I'm at right now.

I, too, fight the thoughts and feelings, and know that's what I will always have to do.