I'm not really trying to seek help, I'm beyond that. I tried my whole life but not much came out of it. I had some measure of help, I wouldn't deny that, but never as much as I'd need, or maybe not the help I'd need - I don't know.
As a way of presentation, I'll try to summarize my situation. I lived until my late thirties in a sort of vacuum - no past to remember, that is no memories beyond my teens. No childhoold memories, apart from half a dozen images. Mother alcoholic, father not present. I had a serious alcohol problem and sexual dysfunctioning (near impotence, risk-seeking behaviour, odd atrtaction to passive homosexuality). Yet, I found a wonderful woman who accepted all this and tried to help me understand. We have been a strong couple ever since (30 years). I saw many psychologists and it always started weel, then went nowhere. A couple of improvements, then nothing. In my late thirties, then, I recontacted the best friend of my mother (I had a memory of abuse at her hands) and she didn't reply to me but gave my letter to her daughter. The daughter contacted me and asked me if I remembered. What ? What should I remember. Then she told me about orgies with the friends of our respective mothers, the parties in a nearby castle - then it started: images, "flashbacks" according to my partner: abuses, sacrifices, rituals, murders. No memories, but crude images, pure body language, like "possessions". More than 10 years latr, I none the wiser. I am quieter now, less flashbacks, but no certainty.
Was that all true: I will never know. Maybe partly true: as a matter of fact, I did have some sort of confirmation here and there. Not all, but just enough to have a reasonable measure of probability for some of the things I "re-lived".
Now, the problem with that is that I have some traits of personality I just can't stand: I am weak, always trying "to please" and do the will of the others rather than mine, but I am also resentful. I am an inveterate liar, although I usually lie to protect the others, not to my advantage, and this puts me in a very difficult position in which I am forced to lie even more. I have unpleasant thoughts about sex with a certain fascination for rape (as if I tried to experience rape through proxies) and yet, a zero-libido life. I love sex with my partner, but it is a very difficult matter and process. I long for peace and tranquillity, but I do my best to be as stressed and busy as possible. Never in my life have I been able to go to sleep quietly: when my partner is here, I have no problem. When she isn't, I have to get dead-tired or drunk.
I think this is about it. My mother is dead some decades ago. When I broke with her, I was just 18 and she had me under her power until a few months before that. Leaving her has been like braking something inside me. I did it, chose to do it: the alternative was madness or death. But when I did it, something broke inside me, and this was painful, almost physically painful, and I'm not sure I recovered ever since.
As a way of presentation, I'll try to summarize my situation. I lived until my late thirties in a sort of vacuum - no past to remember, that is no memories beyond my teens. No childhoold memories, apart from half a dozen images. Mother alcoholic, father not present. I had a serious alcohol problem and sexual dysfunctioning (near impotence, risk-seeking behaviour, odd atrtaction to passive homosexuality). Yet, I found a wonderful woman who accepted all this and tried to help me understand. We have been a strong couple ever since (30 years). I saw many psychologists and it always started weel, then went nowhere. A couple of improvements, then nothing. In my late thirties, then, I recontacted the best friend of my mother (I had a memory of abuse at her hands) and she didn't reply to me but gave my letter to her daughter. The daughter contacted me and asked me if I remembered. What ? What should I remember. Then she told me about orgies with the friends of our respective mothers, the parties in a nearby castle - then it started: images, "flashbacks" according to my partner: abuses, sacrifices, rituals, murders. No memories, but crude images, pure body language, like "possessions". More than 10 years latr, I none the wiser. I am quieter now, less flashbacks, but no certainty.
Was that all true: I will never know. Maybe partly true: as a matter of fact, I did have some sort of confirmation here and there. Not all, but just enough to have a reasonable measure of probability for some of the things I "re-lived".
Now, the problem with that is that I have some traits of personality I just can't stand: I am weak, always trying "to please" and do the will of the others rather than mine, but I am also resentful. I am an inveterate liar, although I usually lie to protect the others, not to my advantage, and this puts me in a very difficult position in which I am forced to lie even more. I have unpleasant thoughts about sex with a certain fascination for rape (as if I tried to experience rape through proxies) and yet, a zero-libido life. I love sex with my partner, but it is a very difficult matter and process. I long for peace and tranquillity, but I do my best to be as stressed and busy as possible. Never in my life have I been able to go to sleep quietly: when my partner is here, I have no problem. When she isn't, I have to get dead-tired or drunk.
I think this is about it. My mother is dead some decades ago. When I broke with her, I was just 18 and she had me under her power until a few months before that. Leaving her has been like braking something inside me. I did it, chose to do it: the alternative was madness or death. But when I did it, something broke inside me, and this was painful, almost physically painful, and I'm not sure I recovered ever since.
