Thread Title...my Walk Down Memory Lane

[Deleted member 20280]

Many a time I have found myself walking this journey in my mind. A journey I have walked everyday as a child. not one i have ever felt comfortable actually walking physically before now.

Well today I felt the urge to just go for a walk.Where did it take me? Straight on the path I had always been too scared to ever actually walk.

Taking myself down memory lane in a physical way was scary.

My feelings of trepidation and angst flooding back to me in such a real feeling of panic.

My guts aching and the feelings of being a scared little boy so very real. Me, an adult in my own right, just walking through a park. Parents with their children enjoying a break in the clouds and rain, enjoying a walk in the park, dog walkers enjoying a simple stroll.everyone I passed with a smile and a good afternoon nod!.

Then why was I so scared?

As I walked past the gates of my old Rugby Club and saw the gates of my primary school attended, a start realization of why I felt so afraid. Walking past the bushes I had hidden inside, so many times, for so many hours. Not wanting to let my pursuers know where I was hiding. I could hear them in the distance searching for me. I had my hiding place and they would never find me. What had I realized today? Thirty five years had passed and that hiding place was no longer there. The passing years had seen the foliage deplete so much there was a void where I used to hide. No-where for me to escape any-more! My safe place was no longer there for me to hide in!

Time to face the bullies.

Today I have achieved something on that walk I never envisaged myself ever actually doing.Walking that journey just as I had every day to and from primary school. I am now an adult of 42 years of age and am physically walking the same route I walked as a scared 7 yr old, desperate to hide in case the older boys would find me. I remember running to my hidey hole as fast as I could in case they caught me. if I did not get there quickly they would catch me, they never did!

If they ever found me there,I knew they had my secret escape, and it would be lost forever. my only place of safety would be exposed to all. I would have no safe place to call my own ever again. If they ever found me there they would expose me to unspeakable cruelties against a small boy, too unspeakable even to post here.

What I remembered today on that walk was that my abusers were not limited to my three main ones, but to the many faceless boys and girls of my own peers, who reveled in calling me names and punching me in the arm and to the back of the head. Little girls who followed their big brothers in bullying a boy "Who just deserved it"

Day after day they chided me with the name calling and their spiteful jibes.

Question ?

Why was I the one kid they loved to pick on and not the other weak kids?

Answer!

Because I was the little boy who liked to dance with the girls. Not a real BOY! Because I was the little effeminate boy who wore tights and pranced around on his toes all day. Because "I" was the "BOY" WHO DID "ballet".

Yes I loved my dancing, the grace of it the pose of being a strong figure in such a delicate way of dance expression. I "Was" the only BOY that DANCED.

Growing up at the "Little Ballet BOY! was devastating BUT I enjoyed it and I was going to enjoy it no matter how many punches to the back of my head I suffered, no matter how many times i was spat at in the street for simply being "Different".

"WHAT"! is wrong with being different?

In Praisee,

I was different as a child. I loved to dance and express myself in dance and movement that many of my male peers could simply not understand. SO let me be ME and you be YOU. NO! they did not.

I was different something they did not understand.

I was WEIRD!. No! I was ME!.

DO I hate them "NO" do i resent them "NO"
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I FORGIVE THEM!
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I forgive all of them.

 

[franciemarnie]

You are so brave!!

I love that you were/are a dancer.

If I could be anything - just snap my fingers and magically have it be - I would be a dancer. A professional. Also a jazz pianist. Also a torch singer. But I love to dance my own way.

Kids can be so terribly cruel. So awfully cruel. If they ever developed consciences, they must feel such remorse.

 

[macca]

Something in you led you down that actual walk, and it sounds like it helped you connect some things in your mind. Well done indeed!! You were brave then, you had the courage to pursue what you loved despite how you were treated for it. You are brave now, to face what is still terrifying. Of course, I only know you through this forum, but I feel proud of you!

 

[arfie]

BRAVO!!! BRAVO!!! Take a bow, Laurie! Super good stuff.

May it comfort all the square pegs in the round peg world. Like me.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Well the walk served it's purpose. I have always been reluctant to expose my Christian beliefs and conviction, until now that is. I felt the lord calling me to take this walk.. I felt scared but unlike in many a year gone by he convinced me that not only was I to walk he would be there the whole time and every step of the way. I trusted him explicitly for probably the first time in my Christian life.

What he showed me were all the cruel things I suffered as a boy. Reminded of all the times I had hidden from the others and yet I'm still here to tell all.

He has seen to bring me back to my childhood town for good reason. For me being able to face my abusers and the places I was abused. To be able to face them head on with a very heavy heart. With the same feeling of wanting to just run and hide. Well I did not, I walked down that darkened lane I had avoided so many times as a child. I stood in that alleyway where I was beaten up just for being different and he has led me straight back to my childhood church.

That simple coming back there was to become the start of my recovery.

I am jobless and penniless after squandering all life had blessed me with but I am at peace. The lord has me involved with our local Christians Together district movement. Last month I was asked to consider using one of my hobbies to re-write their group website. I felt that this was a calling and naturally agreed. Now the project is starting to get going I am meeting with ministers and pastors within the 24 churches we have in the district.

The committee are very concerned I learnt today, that as I am giving my time and website building ability free to them. That I clearly need to find paid work to be able to rebuild my life financially.

The Lord blesses us in many ways and by listening to him and doing His bidding I have been requested to build other website for Christian Companies in the area. All of whom insist that I charge them the going rate.

I wanted to open a Christian Soupery! a few years ago but was stopped as my wife felt it was nothing but a fools errand and I would not be able to make a go of it. I lacked the financial backing and it never happened. When I was meeting with one of the church leaders yesterday we got to talking and what do I discover. That is exactly what they want to open here in town. A Cafe selling homemade soups with fresh daily bread and simple hot and cold snacks. And at the end of the trading day nothing will be thrown away, the doors will open and the rest all still fresh and edible will be gifted to the local homeless.

When I say he works in mysterious ways I never ever saw this one coming.

Thank-you lord

Amen

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Oh and to add to that it is Week of Prayer for Christian Unity this week. I am probably the newest member of our Christians Together movement and the minister wants ME to take an active role and speak at each days meetings...... now that does have me scared !!!!!