Relationship Three years of worse (help!)

[BlackCrane]

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years now. Things have been hard for us both. He suffered with ptsd years before we even met. The problem is, I make things worse. I have my own mental problems (dermatilomania(compulsive skin picking), anxiety, depression, ocd) and for the last three years he has been trying to help me with very slow improvement and fewer results. He has researched every one of my issues and various treatments for them. Yet I have done little to no research or done little to nothing at all to try and help him up until now.

To him, I have been nothing but a lazy, selfish, manipulative, using, childish, uncaring bitch who only wants the checks he brings home every week. I don't entirely disagree except that I do love and care about him, he isn't a payday to me. But I do have problems with laziness and being self-centered.

The thing is, I am a main source of a lot of his stress. I have been a trigger for his ptsd far too many times. I know that if something doesn't change that I will lose him forever. This is the man I love, that I want to marry and spend the rest of my life with. But my deplorable behavior has been driving him further and further away and I seem to do nothing but hurt him more.

I know this isn't healthy. As much as it hurts to think of, I often wonder if the best thing would be for one of us to leave. He has threatened to leave me many times and I don't blame him at all. Most of the time I will start to change my behavior and after a few days fall right back into my old habits. I want to change, but I've started to wonder if I even can change the way he needs me to or if I'm stuck being this awful person.

I guess my question is, am I able to help him while at the same time trying to help myself? How can I do both at the same time? Is there any hope for us or should I quit now before I do any more damage? Please, I need advice and I don't know where else to go.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Are either of you getting any kind of treatment?

 

[BlackCrane]

I have had treatment (therapy and various meds) off and on for most of my life including recently. I know he has had some form of treatment in the past. Currently though, neither of us is in therapy or on any medication.

 

[Ronin]

I'm seeing an abusive jerk in how he treats you.

As in 'nothing BUT abusive' .... that isn't healthy for you. To be staying with someone who thinks that of you. To be financially & else dependent on someone who thinks that of you.

And if you're the 'main source of his stress,' the guy has bigger/other problems than stress going on. That you aren't responsible for.

 

[BlackCrane]

I was trying not to write out a novel length report on our relationship, but there are plenty of reasons he thinks that way. I was trying to summarize, but that only seems to paint a negative picture of how he treats me. Between the two of us I think I'm being the abusive one, or at the very least negligent.

I don't take responsibility when I need to. I have been through long periods of unemployment due to my lack of drive or motivation. Because of which we are currently living in my parents' attic room. I am currently jumping from job to low paying job when I know I can do better. I tend not to do chores until I'm asked to so things like dishes and laundry pile up quickly. I put off paying bills until the last moment or until they are so overdue that they are much more than they were originally.

I mostly procrastinate and play videogames or watch netflix. That is, when I'm not giving in to my worst impulse of all. Picking at my skin. I can spend hours in front of a tiny mirror (we took down the ones in the bathrooms) digging huge ugly wounds into my face with my nails, needles or nail clippers when I find them (thankfully I don't have easy access to those anymore).

I don't want to make this too much about my own issues, but the picking is the main problem. I have had this addiction to my self harm behavior for most of my 28 year life. It hasn't gotten better until I met my boyfriend. Even then, not by much. A month or so after we got together I dug a hole into my jawline that went down to the muscle. That was the worst. But even since then I've lost jobs because I picked while I was at work. I have failed to report in to work or come home because I sat in my car instead, using the mirror to destroy my face. My boyfriend, worried half to death, had to come find me on multiple occasions. I have managed to go two weeks without picking before I "relapse". For him, coming home to find me mutilated and bloody, is very "triggering". Yet after three years I have yet to fully stop doing it despite how much pain it causes him.

Actually, after everything I've put him through I'm rather upset you would call him abusive. I didn't really explain anything properly in my original post, I know, but still to jump straight to that conclusion before even asking me to clarify the situation... I have a new question now. I have heard there is a stigma concerning ptsd that those who didn't get it from being in an actual war zone are not treated with the same concern as soldiers. Like, in groups like this one, they are not given equal consideration. I was just wondering if this is true, since my boyfriend was not in a war but suffers anyway.

 

[shimmerz]

Like, in groups like this one, they are not given equal consideration.

It isn't really about not being given consideration. I think the reason that you are getting the responses you are is because your boyfriend seems to be not going to therapy but instead likes to insist that you are 'making his ptsd worse' somehow.

Let's recap, shall we?

The problem is, I make things worse.

Man, oh man, you must be one powerful woman to be able to make so many things worse for everybody.

or the last three years he has been trying to help me with very slow improvement and fewer results.

So you aren't getting better enough to suit him? How much better is he? Has he been working on himself at all or are you the only problem?

To him, I have been nothing but a lazy, selfish, manipulative, using, childish, uncaring bitch who only wants the checks he brings home every week.

Wow. You don't see anything unbalanced or abusive in these statements about you? Uncaring bitch? That's a show stopper right there, as are the other things that are equally offensive yet pale in comparison to the bitch statement.

I am a main source of a lot of his stress.

One time.

I am a main source of a lot of his stress.

Two times.
I am going to say you need to not be taking responsibility for his stress. That is his. Tell him to go get therapy. Like.now. He will learn that his stress is HIS to manage.

I have been a trigger for his ptsd far too many times.

Oh, the poor baby. So to make it all better he accuses you even though he isn't getting help to manage his PTSD himself.

But my deplorable behavior

Deplorable? Really?

He has threatened to leave me many times

Good riddance I am going to say. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out. Take you and your offensive and abusive words and leave. Forever.

if I even can change the way he needs me to or if I'm stuck being this awful person.

The way 'he needs you to be?' Find a guy who loves you for who you are. I am going to say with all of that kak he is throwing at you, that even the best of us wouldn't exactly be motivated to do much of anything. Abuse wears one down.

before I do any more damage?

Before YOU do any more damage? What names do you call him? Or is this a special role you get to fill for him?

You need to be looking for a women's centre that can help you understand why you are:
1. Internalizing the bullshit he is feeding you about having to take responsibility for stuff that is clearly his to take on (triggers, stress).
2. To learn how to stop taking it when he is calling you names that clearly have already started eating at your self worth.
3. Have them help you get a job so you can get the freak out of there and learn to be independent (again?).
4. Get a referral to a therapist who can help you with your anxiety issues in a positive and empowering way.

Oh, and I suggest you be offended at the appropriate people, not the people on here. You should be offended that you are being spoken to the way you are, not because someone is calling attention to your boyfriends obviously abusive emotional abuse.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Ok sufferers.... supporter section here. Let's reel it in a little please. Remember... Link Removed

@BlackCrane is he saying these things to you verbatim, or is this what you think he feels? Does he say that you are his main source of triggers?

 

[EveHarrington]

Can I ask why you are not helping yourself?

Do everything in your power to improve your life.....for YOU!

Don’t heal for him. This is all within you, and you can do it.

I’d start by looking for a psychiatrist and therapist.

Also, I’d stop looking to him to heal you. He can support you in your journey, but it’s all on you to heal yourself.

Again, you can do this! You can make your life better! One step at a time. Baby steps....

NB I didn’t comment on the PTSD aspect because I think this should be about you and how you can improve your life, for you.

 

[Mytime]

If you both love each other and it seems like you do. Then you both need to work on yourselves. Both be in therapy, so you can be there for each other. The thing is, you can’t be there for someone if you can’t support yourself. I think it’s great that you want to learn how to help (support) him. So I hope you look around the forum and read, read. But if you want to help him, then work on you. He wants you to be happy and you want him to be happy. Working on you will make him happy. I understand what you meant when you said, I add stress to his life. It was meant as, him watching you hurt yourself and feeling helpless because he can’t protect you.
As you know yourself, it’s very hard to see someone you love hurt in anyway.
I’m glad you found us and we are here to support you and answer any question you have. I think it’s great you’ve taken the first step in trying to understand and support you bf. I hope your next step is finding what you need.

 

[Mytime]

My hubby has PTSD, not from war. Everyone supports me here, no different then anyone else. I hope I answer your question :)