Thrill Seeking Behaviour Can't Stop

[featherless.wings]

A big part of my trauma was one sudden night of incredible fear, and I started getting into fights after that. I've since managed to replace the fighting with high risk activities, such as extreme downhill mountain biking, riding dangerous horses and reckless driving. I overdo these a lot when I'm having a tough time, to the point where I'm too injured to do them anymore. Things go really downhill from there and I often become really depressed. It seems the only time I'm not thinking about my trauma is when I'm on my bike etc.

I'm convinced if I damage myself to the point where I can't exercise, I'll be unable to cope. Is there anyone who feels this and has an alternative to the adrenaline rush?

 

[desiderata310]

Sort of.
Instead of danger I go for distance.
Long distance races are my game. I use them to self medicate. I've been injured a number of times and it's difficult.I'm injured currently and I'm anxious and depresses because of it .

 

[blackandwhite2017]

I have similar urges like yours, though I think mine are worse morally. I cope and avoid acting on my urges by 1) having protected sex with strangers found on internet...if I am in a particular bad mood, I have violent protected sex, but it is always protected 2) making a bruise on my arm and seeing the blood to release the pent up anger 3) (I always wear a rubber band on my wrist) snapping the rubber band to help me get out of the emotional state so I go take a walk to calm down. Granted those are not healthy methods, but at least they are much less likely to get you into serious troubles if you really make sure all sex is protected or bruise is not deep.

My therapist suggests masturbating, but I generally find that boring when i have the option of having sex with real people.

 

[watundah]

I used sex and drugs in my 20s. I do like healthier thrills now like mountain climbing, rafting, biking, whatever puts me in nature. Danger has lost its appeal because I do love life and longevity is important to me. To be hurt to the point of being incapacitated? Yeah, not worth the risk.

 

[FireSign8]

After my body took a beating at the end of a big stick & I suffered all kinds of head trauma & broken bones, I got to find out what having a "bottom" was! This is a term I often heard in my AA & NA meetings & I never really understood it until I was stuck in it with no way out. I was diagnosed with PTSD at the hospital & referred to counseling with a bed for the night & one week voucher in a hotel after the people I was staying with threw me out & stole my pets & belongings. I then got to experience homelessness, identity theft, rape, extortion, & all sorts of other fun stuff that I won't bore you with.

This was the day my world stopped. May 9th, 2001, I was the victim of a beating. It was an "arranged" hit that went terribly wrong for all involved. I refused to testify in court & lie that I was raped by my attacker. It was his buddy/landlord who raped me when I returned from the hospital for "payment" of having the police come into the neighborhood. I got food stamps & a little money every month while I wandered from shelter to shelter, slept in cars & under houses & bridges & finally got into a women's shelter & got approval for my social security disability.

My physical injuries are forever. In the past I was always able to heal or adapt to injuries & carry on with my insatiable appetite for the rush of living life on the edge. Since I refused therapy, it has taken me longer to get over my depression/PTSD. But, because it has been done slowly, I now can feel safe in my own skin & know that I won't step back into my old lifestyle choices & put myself in the hands of certain death. I want to live because I now know how precious each moment is & if the person next to me wants to OD on the bus, I won't steal their wallet or their dope. I will make sure they get to where they need to be. But I won't be a witness for anyone or against anyone because it won't change a thing. My world view & it seems to be working.

 

[featherless.wings]

Thanks for sharing your stories. I guess I should learn to value life more, but it's so hard when the only time I feel alive is when I'm inches away from biking off a cliff. I'm not really sure how to change that.

 

[Fadeaway]

To be honest, I wish I could be more like you. I don't feel alive but fear prevents me from living. Can I ask how you mitigate the fear in risky situations or do you experience fear? Is it like a fight response?

I know for me, all the possible consequences and things that can go wrong run through my mind creating a freeze response. I am thinking if we can figure out the differences between us, maybe you could reduce your risk taking via the same way I don't even make attempts, and I could learn to how to step out of my safe zone.

 

[featherless.wings]

To be honest, I wish I could be more like you. I don't feel alive but fear prevents me from living. Ca...

I think fight response would be the right way to see it. I do remember freezing the first time I got in a fight at night and I just crouched in a corner, and got beat up until the muggers realised I had nothing valuable to steal. I couldn't bear living in fear of being raped like my mum taught me, so I kept going out and getting into fights until I could defend myself somewhat, and the freeze response was trained out of me. Eventually I lived for these adrenaline fueled moments. I don't think this is healthy or something to be desired though.

I do feel fear though, especially after one bad fall off a galloping horse where I should've died. I broke a few bones and had severe concussion, memory loss as well as nerve damage. It was hard to get back on a year later, because like you I went through the consequences in my mind. I couldn't live without that adrenaline rush though, so I forced myself to get back on. I was shaking and scared that ride, and I actually did fall off that day and got a concussion again. I think getting on again and again, and starting to feel in control of the horse with time helped me get over my fears. I think the benefits start outweighing the risks, and especially after so many times where I probably should have died and I didn't, I start to feel invincible, even though in the back of my mind I know I'm not and these things will probably kill me someday. It's like I'm deluding myself.

I really don't recommend getting stuck in a loop of seeking adrenaline though, but learning to step out of your safe zone would be great. Maybe pick an activity or something that you like and get into it little by little, even if, for example, it's as simple as getting on the bike and getting off straight away. I didn't start out on the extreme bike trails, I got there bit by bit as the easier trails started to feel less dangerous, because I rode them and nothing bad happened to me. I don't really understand the freeze response though, so I don't know if that could help you.

I know it's not everyone's cup of tea, but if you like animals and could have access to them, then horses are amazing for recovery and getting over fear. Especially since if you can simply get yourself to get on, it doesn't even matter if you freeze or not because they will keep walking and tug you back to the present. I don't know, I've found it incredibly therapeutic as they force you to focus on them and not your trauma for a while.

 

[desiderata310]

I actually understand this. Maybe not to the extreme you seem to take it but I mountain bike for similar reason.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I guess, as with any coping skill that if you want to stop, you find ways to stop the behavior. I think that you know this behavior is risky and that not only permanent damage can happen, but possibly you could die. I used to love driving fast, it was my thrill, along with drinking. Finally just got tired of the same old shit all the time and had to stop the behavior.

It will take time for your body and mind to adjust, but it will happen. I guess you just have to want to stop...

 

[Deadman]

I think that someone with PTSD can engage in very risky activities for two separate reasons. The first would be that the adrenalin rush makes us feel temporarily better. The second would be the simple desire to die while escaping the stigma of suicide.

I spent a lot of time going from one war zone to another. Risking and winning did make me feel a little better but I think now I was just hoping someone would kill me.

 

[henamedmeowl]

I can relate. I enage in risk taking behavior partly for the rush and also because I want to be killed. It is hard to admit. No one knows about this but i have done it off and on for a long time now. Its gotten much worse recently. Its like revictimizing myself but trying to grt someone to finish the job.