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Through The Mud And Toward The Sun, The Lotus Blossoms

I'm not sure where to go with this diary. I've been around and around with trying to heal without telling my story. Today in therapy I said that I am so sick and tired of being suicidal. It's a bright blue sky and a warm day out and I just don't give a shit. All I want is to want to live. I have thoroughly embraced Nature over the years and have many fond memories of lying under a warm sun with a loyal dog beside me just drinking it in. Since the chemical injury the sunshine hurts my skin.

I live at the beach and I don't make enough time to go. This Saturday I have off and I promise I will go.

I've been thinking about this Shamanic journey that I will take in a couple weeks. I always question everything. If it's so wonderful to journey to another reality, then why aren't we all just frolicking about with our spirit animals? I'd think that would be a blast. I dissociate quite often and I'm no stranger to altered consciousness. The difference being that a Shamanic journey is planned and can be guided by the Shaman as opposed to checking out when triggered by some reminder of violence. When I dissociate I am sometimes joined by one of several versions of me as a child. Wherein they are nearby while I'm being raped and strangled or burned or some other reminder to keep quiet. My relationship to these versions of me freak me out but also comfort me. It is as if they were watching out for me. Spooky.
 
My Zentangles kit arrived today. I'm not in the mood to explore it tonight. I worked late and had to get home to give Annie a bath. One of my clients held her in their lap and she absorbed their awful perfume. She clean and fed and all snuggled in beside me under the duvet. She is the friendliest, happy dog I've ever had. I've had six besides her. I loved them all dearly. Especially when we'd lie on our lawn and suck up the warm sunshine. I used to have greenhouses and raised bedding and vegetable plants that I sold to a friend who has a garden center. All sorts of cool things took place in the greenhouses. I put a pile of soil on the ground and my three year old son played for hours with his trucks and dinosaurs. His second favorite thing to do was to guard the frogs and toads from the snakes. Once we went in and half a frog was already in the snake, but my son pulled him out. He was so proud!!! The only living thing he was afraid of is spiders. Still is and he's 33 now!

My greenhouses were my sanctuary. You just can't feel shitty on a February day when it's 15 degrees outside and the greenhouse is 80 degrees. When I went back to medical work I gave up my plant operation. I didn't have the time I miss it. Years later when I got sick from the fumes at work and had to abandon my career I took a job at a garden center. I wish he would've given me more pay and I'd still be there . It was very therapeutic being outside all day. Plus I had a killer tan!! I miss gardening. All I do now are container pots. Nothing edible. The next town has a farmers market twice a week where I can get fresh organic produce. I miss gardening. Just as well I work too much.
 
Tomorrow is my first Shamamic Journey. I both looking forward to it and dreading getting triggered by it. The prerequisite book I read was written by a psychologist. In Shamanism PTSD is among other things, the loss of the soul that left the body due to trauma. I hope my safe place to go to to enter the lower world works. I'm going to climb up a turret standing alone on a savanna . There will be an opening at the junction of the first branches. I'll climb down the hole and will be met by animals and Indiginous folk. I'm a little afraid that I will feel vulnerable or that I'll fail to find my spirit animal. Well, I'll know by this time tomorrow how it went.
 
Good Luck!
I've been wondering when you were going to do this. I will think of you and wish for all to be to the best good for you. I like that description of PTSD.
I feel like I am doing something similar when I do EMDR. I'm going to a place that I make as safe as I can to find lost parts of myself. I often feel like I won't be able to do it when I first begin. Then is just happens and I try to "get out of my own way" and let it be whatever it is. It often surprises me.

All the best!
 
Thank you @seedling I am going in with a positive outlook! Maybe if I succeed in being able to tap into my unconscious I'll finally be able to do EMDR. So far my therapist says I'm too dissociative
 
Five hours til my journey!!!! I'm so excited I can't believe I've worked up the courage and finally, finally created a safe place!! That took a long frighin time. Too many triggers throughout my life. But this is MY space for my safety, for my positive future. I think my yoga work has made it possible for me to let my mind go without FEAR. Here I go without an exit strategy, without backing out, without tranquilizer a. I mean this is a huge step forward. Seriously, if I don't meet my power animal I won't beat myself up. The book said it can take practice to journey. Of course I want to succeed but I'm proud enough that I am not afraid to have met a major goal.
 
I'm excited for you to find out where this will lead you. The strength you have to do this, there's got to be some heck of a power animal in there waiting. :tup: Whatever time line it's all on, that's your special journey.
 
Wow! Just Wow!! There were four of us journeying. It was the first time for all of us. The other three women are learning to do Reiki so I was a little intimidated as the were all friends and I felt like an outsider. Ultimately that was a moot point.
The Shaman gave us some suggestions for finding our primary power animal. Next she created a circle with her rattle. She invited any and all animal spirits to join us. She called to the south, then west, north and east. I became aware of ducks, another person saw bison.

Next we prepared for the journey. The Shaman suggested questions we could ask whoever we met along the way. Then she turned on the drumming CD. The rhythmic percussion has been proven by science to change the alpha and beta waves in our brain which slows us to go into a trance. Here is my journey:
I am experiencing the journey from a first person perspective. I am standing in a savanna that has one huge tree. I climb the tree to the level of the first branches. There is a hole in the tree and I climb down it and find myself in an open field surrounded by groups of trees. Many of them have no leaves.

The first animal I saw was a zebra. I asked her if she was my power animal but she just walked away. Next as I was walking, a wolf came to me. I asked the wolf if she was my power animal. She replied that she would help me find it. Next, a hawk joined us and I followed them to the edge of a lake. It was very peaceful and there were many birds there. Two were swans in the water. The wolf told me to sit because I am fragile. An Indigenous folk walked to me and said he was there to help me. He put his hands on my shoulders and bowed his head. He said that I needed much help. Then the drumming stopped and the journey ended.

We discussed our journeys and we all wanted to go back down again. This time the wolf, hawk and Indigenous man walked back to the lake with me. The wolf assured me that he would protect me. I was told to go into the water and meet the swan. I did this without any fear. When I got to the swan I asked her if she was my power animal. She replied that I needed to find faith and then return to her.

I walked out of the water and we started walking again. Next a group of Indigenous folk came to me and formed a circle around me. They were rocking side to side to the beat of the drum. I was me standing upright in the middle of the circle and then after awhile I was a four year old sitting in the circle. I felt safe. Then the drumming stopped and I returned back up through the tree.

I did not find my power animal, but more amazingly, I was four years old and felt safe. The Shaman explained that the spirit guides performed a soul recovery for me. Well, I just sobbed. My first rape was at age four. That is when my soul left my body. For the first time I felt safe at that age. She explained that it may take several more journeys for me to journey without fear. But I never had fear. The journey was filled with quiet support. It was not forced upon me, but I do have faith now. I can be 4 again without fear. I can stop rejecting her.
The end. Till next time.
 
That is just so wonderful, beyond my power of speech. You've done it now, and can do it again. I'm so happy for you:hug: Gives me so much hope.

This is where talk therapy doesn't go. And where we need to go.

In EMDR this week I was in my early memory and I needed to find protection. My "White Woman" came to me and said she would keep my vulnerable parts safe. I gave her those parts that I wasn't allowed to be back then. This seemed like the moment of dissociation in the memory, when I separated myself from myself. She said that it would seem like a long time but it was only a moment in time until I would find my parts again and she would keep them safe until then (now).

Your journey world is so beautiful. It's awesome to see how much help you have. Are you tired from doing that?
 
No, quite the opposite! I am so relieved of fear. I didn't even need a nap today. I just never could create a safe place in order to have EMDR. Everything in my world is a trigger potentially. And so dissociative. My hope is that in time all my parts feel free and safe finally.
 
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