- Thread starter
- #25
KwanYingirl
MyPTSD Pro
I'm not sure where to go with this diary. I've been around and around with trying to heal without telling my story. Today in therapy I said that I am so sick and tired of being suicidal. It's a bright blue sky and a warm day out and I just don't give a shit. All I want is to want to live. I have thoroughly embraced Nature over the years and have many fond memories of lying under a warm sun with a loyal dog beside me just drinking it in. Since the chemical injury the sunshine hurts my skin.
I live at the beach and I don't make enough time to go. This Saturday I have off and I promise I will go.
I've been thinking about this Shamanic journey that I will take in a couple weeks. I always question everything. If it's so wonderful to journey to another reality, then why aren't we all just frolicking about with our spirit animals? I'd think that would be a blast. I dissociate quite often and I'm no stranger to altered consciousness. The difference being that a Shamanic journey is planned and can be guided by the Shaman as opposed to checking out when triggered by some reminder of violence. When I dissociate I am sometimes joined by one of several versions of me as a child. Wherein they are nearby while I'm being raped and strangled or burned or some other reminder to keep quiet. My relationship to these versions of me freak me out but also comfort me. It is as if they were watching out for me. Spooky.
I live at the beach and I don't make enough time to go. This Saturday I have off and I promise I will go.
I've been thinking about this Shamanic journey that I will take in a couple weeks. I always question everything. If it's so wonderful to journey to another reality, then why aren't we all just frolicking about with our spirit animals? I'd think that would be a blast. I dissociate quite often and I'm no stranger to altered consciousness. The difference being that a Shamanic journey is planned and can be guided by the Shaman as opposed to checking out when triggered by some reminder of violence. When I dissociate I am sometimes joined by one of several versions of me as a child. Wherein they are nearby while I'm being raped and strangled or burned or some other reminder to keep quiet. My relationship to these versions of me freak me out but also comfort me. It is as if they were watching out for me. Spooky.