Through The Mud And Toward The Sun, The Lotus Blossoms

[KwanYingirl]

Felt strong in therapy last week and asked if we could do EMDR. He said we could try it on some superficial issue and see how it goes. Now I've lost my nerve.

 

[seedling]

Your nerve will resurface.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@seedling it comes and goes I think what I like about journeying is if you go to lower world, it is all good and peaceful. EMDR I don't know. Some people like it and others feel worse after it. Maybe some more time using my safe place and staying grounded will help.

 

[seedling]

I think you are right. I know you have been eager to try EMDR. Maybe because it seems like a way to move forward and be free of the control of the memories (and symptoms of them). Your journeying may serve the same purpose or be a way to be prepared for EMDR down the road.

You will know when the time is right :) It's so wonderful you have found a place to be peaceful. Enjoy.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Last night two of us journeyed for the first time to Upper World. You can travel there many ways: climbing up a tree, riding a geyser up, climbing a beanstalk, whatever floats your boat. I had my spirit animal Hawk fly me up there. I had to go to Lower World to ask his help.Once he took off, he got very large. My Shaman told me that may happen, so it didn't alarm me. As we ascended, the air pressure in my sinuses became painful. No doubt that I was actually traveling up into another realm. It has many levels, as many levels as the Universe can hold. Hawk dropped me off at a cloud filled level. Everything was white but for the celestial dwellers skin. I found my guide quickly. Her name is Serah. She was clothed in flowing robes and looked to be a Celtic Priestess from the time of the Roman Empire.

She was very gentle. We strolled through the space until we came to a temple. She asked me to sit and ask her questions. Here they come:
How can I have faith? Her answer-do not fear. Me-how do I not have fear? Her-with faith. Back and forth it went. I'm a little disappointed, but all my spirits have tried and tried to guide me towards faith. I have no soul. I have no capacity for faith. I feel it's hopeless. My traumas have ripped me barren of a soul and left me scared and frozen. Hawk came to get me and I went back to Lower World to see Wolf, my primary animal spirit. He soothed me and told me to try again. Then the journey ended.

The two of us shared our experience and our Shaman gave us a task. Each of us was to journey again to Upper World on behalf of each other. We had to ask a question for the other persons guide to answer. My question was Will I survive the exposure to jet fuel when I fly to Jamaica in November. The other woman's question was Are the plans I have made for improving my health the right things to do?

This time, I asked Hawk to get me up fast and boy did we fly fast!!! I asked Sirah the question and she assured me that the woman has very good support but at times she will need to be brave. By the way, this woman is morbidly obese and I think she is considering gastric bypass surgery, for which she will certainly need to be brave to undergo.

My question was posed to her guide. He took her outside and it was snowing crystals. Then he took her to a waterfall and she ended up in a pool of water. She saw the color green vividly. That's it. That was the answer to my question.

Obviously a metaphor...

Well, then she and the Shaman and her business partner, a polarity therapist, tried to figure out the meaning. It was preposterous. I am to detox before takeoff in a bath of Epsom salt. I am to drink a ton of water every day, forsaking all other liquids. And I am to wrap myself in a metaphysical green bubble.

By the way, I fully enjoyed my morning coffee today.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Major, major problem is looming. I am losing my generous private insurance Dec 31. I have to go on Medicare and a supplement. Negotiating the tons of programs available is exhausting. The bad news is my sleeping pills are on Medicares restricted list. I can only get 90 pills a year. I take that amount monthly. So I'll have to pay out of pocket. I called all the pharmacies in the area and Walgreens has it for $103/month compared to $370 at other pharmacies. I can ask my Psychiatrist to fill out a form to ask for my current dose, but I've heard from all the pharmacies that they never approve anything.
Then the next worst thing (semantically null statement) is that my therapist doesn't accept Medicare and I can't count his visits to fulfill my out of pocket requirement. I can't fathom leaving him. Am I shooting myself in the foot by refusing to find a therapist that does take Medicare?
I've been over and over with my finances and it appears I can afford the meds and the therapist. It adds up. I'm considering only going once a month vs once a week that I do now.
The distress is unnerving.

 

[seedling]

So sorry. Who says we don't ration health care in this country?

Can you look for a therapist that takes Medicare while still seeing your current one? Then see them both at the same time?

It might be good to have the Medicare accepting provider available just in case. Or it might be a good idea to check out those available in your area just to see what kind of services there are.

Hang in there, it's a process - and a part time job lol.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Good points @seedling . I would have to work with a large agency with a lot of chaos around me. I saw my therapist today. I was so brain dead from trying to understand how it all goes together. He looked me straight in the eye and said "I will take care of you for whatever amount you can pay me" no one has been that generous to me, ever. I can't leave him.

 

[seedling]

These are the kind of providers that make the world a better place. True healers first and foremost.
He is making the journey with you.
You are blessed, I hope that relieves some of the distress for you.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Been awhile since I've posted here. Holidays, etc. wondering how much I will reclaim of my soul. I'm going to work more with my shaman. She sent me a beautiful picture of a wolf I'd love to get it tattooed on my arm. Wolf is my primary power animal.

I have been a part of the 30 day self compassion challenge. I learned a lot and had some rough spots not too bad .

 

[KwanYingirl]

Cutting. Entire forearm. I thought I had that habit licked. Not self compassion, self hatred. Dealing with a flashback to being drugged and kidnapped. My flashbacks take me a long time to come down from. They feed off each other. So time in therapy has pretty much been back to basics and me hating myself for putting myself in situations that are dangerous. Reckless child. Regretful woman.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Today was the worst day in a long time. I went to my car to put my recycling in. I put my day planner and purse in the car and started it. Then Anniebolted and took off in the direction of the beach. I jumped out of the car and accidentally closed the door. The door locked. Oh, shit. My extra key is in my purse that is in the running locked care. I have clients booked and their phone numbers are in my phone which is in my running locked car. Then I chase Annie and get her back home. So I get my genius neighbor and he finally unlocked my door . Unbelievable! Then my phone rings and it's a new client. I told her I was driving and had clients booked and to please call me back at 11:00. So I get to work. First client I said "I haven't seen you in a long time. What's new?" She said her husband just died at age 58 from brain cancer. Jesus!! After work I went to get my neighbor a bottle of vodka to thank him for rescuing me. The cashier made the change wrong and when I asked her to just put the bottle in the gift bag I got, she broke through the bag and broke the bottle. Then the new client called and I said I'll call you right back and she sounded kind of pissed off. So I get back to my car and call her and it turns out she was my old Veterinarian who saved Annie's life when she went into a coma. Annie remembers everybody and when this woman shows up at my office Annie will go bat shit crazy. As if bolting on me and the big lockout happened, she rolled in something dead tonight and I had to give her a bath. Oy vey!!