General Time For A New Couples T?

[ProudWife99]

Yesterday H was in a whopper of a mood. He was so angry, yet so calm. I could literally feel the pain he felt while he was talking. I did the best I could with the situation, reminded him that his actions are hurtful, and that I would see him at our previously scheduled couples session that afternoon.

Well, he showed up, for a total of 4 minutes and then ended up storming out.

I stayed and spoke with our T and we talked it out. His advice was to allow H to wallow until he fell apart. H had not been coming to see him regularly and apparently has not been opening up much at all. Upon the end of the session, he advised me not to speak to H at all, but only to tell him I wouldn't be home.

So I called when I left and before telling him I wasn't coming home I said "I know you're in a bad place. I know it was difficult, but thank you for showing up and trying to day. Even more, thank you for leaving if you were only going to be hurtful."

His entire demeanor changed following that comment. He took responsibility for himself, his actions, and was able to have a conversation with me regarding his behavior.

I didn't necessarily follow the advice of the T, but I got better results doing it my way. He has agreed to finding a new T that he would see individually AND together, but I don't want to just turn tail and run to someone new because the advice we receive is too hard.

Is any of this making sense? Am I a giant pushover? I'm confused. :unsure:

 

[sisu]

I think what you said and how you handled it was amazing. You didn't berate him, you made him understand your viewpoint AND he got it! PERFECT!! Sometimes you have to follow your gut and do what you think is best - even though the advice may be coming from a professional. You know your husband best AND you understand PTSD. I don't think you are turning tail and running - I think you are compromising for the sake of happiness. YOu aren't stopping therapy - you are finding a therapist that works for both of you. Good job PW99. High five!!

 

[Pale Warrior]

Hi PW, well done for composure and compromise in the face of adversity.

Is any of this making sense? Am I a giant pushover?

The only insight I can offer is that you can't know the future and the only way to tell if you've been given the jazz hands it to go with it and see.

 

[Tifanee]

Changing T because that T isn't working out, which is obvious if your H isn't responding to T anymore...that is smart and responsible. Maybe a T change would benefit him.

Congrats on going with your gut, you must have woken up and put your big girl boots on :). I'm sure it wasn't easy, but we are proud of you for sticking up for yourself! Sounds like you two are heading uphill on the rollercoaster track...here's hoping for a long uphill :tup:.

 

[ProudWife99]

Oh thank you all for your support. I was so concerned I was getting into an ugly cycle, but you're right Sisu. I know my husband. When he is in a place like that he doesn't respond to tough love or being scolded. I've found he responds to compassion and an awareness of the fact that he is trying (when he is, actually, trying).

Of course I cannot just let his poor behavior go, but at this point if he KNOWS it is wrong and instead of continuing just leaves, isn't that a conscious decision I should be proud of? He knew the problem was him, he knew his behavior was wrong so he left to avoid causing anymore hurt or anger.

At least, I hope that is how at went. Sometimes I am so unsure of myself.

 

[Mrs. T]

Personally i dont agree with your T and I think you did the best thing you could have. Definitely a response like what the T said would have made things worse for my H as well. He doesnt respond well to tough love...I'm assuming that has something to do with how he has been mistreated so much in the past.