Time For Plan B

[EveHarrington]

I hope you can see that people here really do care about you and want to see you heal.

The sucky thing about trauma is that it is near impossible to find people who have been through the exact same trauma. (Believe me, I've tried!) Many have been through something similar as me, but somehow that doesn't make me feel much less alone. Well, it didn't until I expanded my scope to realize that people don't need to have experienced the exact same things in order to help me. With PTSD we (fortunately) experience many of the same symptoms and struggles.

I get it. The scar is the visible reminder of your trauma. It's easier to blame the scar than to face up to the mental anguish. (Physical health issues are much more acceptable than mental health issues...on whole.)

Your life has been flip turned upside down. You had certain expectations of life that you expected to hold true. Now you're having to change everything. Your sense of safety in the world has been shattered. Your friends are gone. You can't depend on them. (IMHO these people were never true friends. A true friend will stick by your side when you're experiencing difficulties and not ditch you the second that you can't go out and party.)

Yes, perhaps you did everything in life the right way. Life is not fair. Bad things don't happen to only bad people. I think if you got to know others with PTSD you'd realize that many of us are simply wonderful people who didn't deserve ANY of this. PTSD isn't about being a bad person and being punished. PTSD happens to the best of us. It's a hard lesson to learn, but doing all of the "right" things in life doesn't guarantee us a darn thing.

 

[Scarface]

Well guess what, I'm trying EMDR, have been exercising everyday, and it is NOT working! Nothing is alleviating my suffering! I am getting worse. I cannot overcome facial disfigurement. People's inappropriate stares and comments have destroyed my soul. I don't care if I'm not beautiful anymore, I just want to look f*cking normal and not get negative attention! I am ready to die. We are all just waiting to die anyway. Our lives our so insignificant in this vast universe. Trillions of things lived and died before us, and trillions of things will live and die after us.

The cold hard truth is everyone will suffer to the point where death is the only way to be at peace. Whether it's a terminal illness, tragic accident, or old age, no one is immune. I, unfortunately, got hit early in life. I am not strong enough to overcome this. My quality of life is destroyed and I welcome death with open arms to alleviate my suffering. This world is full of evil and suffering. Most People are vain, selfish, greedy, and power hungry. It's a dog eat dog world, survival of the fittest. I hate this life and am ready to exit it.

When the pain and suffering becomes too much to bear and life is completely joyless, what's the point?

 

[joeylittle]

I'm sorry to hear you are in so much pain, still.

Do you mind if I ask - how long have you been doing EMDR, and does your therapist have anything to say about these deep feelings of despair that you are expressing?

 

[Scarface]

I'm sorry to hear you are in so much pain, still.

Do you mind if I ask - how long have you been d...

It's already been a few months. I have felt zero relief. Nada. I can see how the principle behind it should ideally work. The therapist is trying to get me to realize that the accident was not my fault. But this doesn't change how I feel about my face. How I am humiliated to show it to anyone!

I had one therapist even caution me that EMDR would not help how I feel about my face. Well, she is right!

I've also joined the changing faces forum. Nothing but suffering and negativity there too. Facial disfigurement really is a different beast :(

There is so much sadness in the world. So much pain and suffering. This whole experience has convinced me that the world is an evil, unfair place, life is cruel, that we put on this planet to ultimately suffer until our death, and we are better off not existing in the first place. Life really is a ticking time bomb. I lived in an unscathed bubble before this (like most people do until they get burned). My life will never be the same again.

 

[joeylittle]

It sounds like you might want to change therapists; though - I'll say that the EMDR portion should be addressing the traumatic memory specifically, but it would not address your current feelings (unless that's what the focus has been).

I remember you describing how looking in the mirror would cause you to see the scar as it was at the time of the accident - is that still true, or has EMDR helped that aspect?

You're right that the world has a great deal of hate and horror in it. That's not all there is, though.

Personally I can't give you a good reason to live with suffering. I live with suffering and do wonder, often, if there's ever a right time to say 'enough is enough'. But I don't think there is. I think that we fight because of that chance that it can become less painful.

You would probably get some real relief from CBT alongside the EMDR. But I'm also wondering what your EMDR person is doing to help you with depression - the hopelessness you are expressing is depression, and while its rooted in your feelings on your face, it's not the sort of thing where as long as you have a scar you'll be depressed. The depression can be addressed on its own.

Sorry - those are a bunch of thoughts.

 

[Scarface]

Looking at the scar, touching the scar, feeling the scar tissue when I try to move my forehead, they are all triggers that I can't escape. EMDR has not helped any of this. In fact, my therapist had the nerve to tell me that I am suffering from BDD, which after talking to folks on the changing faces forum I am thoroughly convinced that this is simply not true because I have a real disfigurement that is visible. Nobody tells the anorexic person that they are fat.

I agree that I have severe depression. I have never had this kind of depression before. I am scared that perhaps the traumatic head injury caused some sort of damage to my brain that has created long-lasting anxiety and depression issues. Supposedly even a mild TBI can cause lifelong problems.

However, if it wasn't for the disfiguring scar on my face, I could at least leave my house in comfort and enjoy some aspects of life. Sadly, this is not true. I am afraid I will have to live a sad reclusive life in which I am always on guard and vigilant.

 

[Scarface]

having to cover my face like a burn victim covers their body.

 

[Suzetig]

It's already been a few months. I have felt zero relief.

I can hear how much pain you're in however when you were last posting in April you didn't mention being in treatment? Have you started EMDR since then? I'm just thinking if you had it sound really only be a month or so, which is very, very early in the process.

 

[Suzetig]

Nobody tells the anorexic person that they are fat.

The issue in anorexia is that the person thinks they are overweight, or at an unacceptable weight. That is to say they don't see the reality of their physicality, is that they are dangerously thin.

I see some parallels whereby you're arguing that you'll always feel the way you do, that your scar is so disfiguring as to limit your life significantly. If you're concerned about physical brain injury, I wonder if getting that checked by means of a scan or examination might help?

 

[Friday]

It's already been a few months. I have felt zero relief. Nada. I can see how the principle behind it should ideally work.

Including the bit where things get much worse before they get better?

I know. It's much easier to say, or understand intellectually, than live through.

No one can give any of us a timeframe for how long it will take, at any stage. Would it relieve your mind to know, however, that for most of us a few months is barely beginning? Which means, yes, smack dab in the middle of everything being much, much worse. So if your following a timeline similar to many of us, you haven't failed. It isn't "not working". It's early days.

I've been at this a long time. 15-20 years at this point. Most of that time? I've been largely symptom free, & life was amazing, & even better than before trauma. In ways I never could have imagined before my trauma, or after during the hard years. Unimaginably amazing. It took me 5 years to get to that point. That's a lot longer than many people, not as long as some, and I am not saying it will take you 5 years. It may well only take you 1 or 2 years. Hell, you could have a breakthrough at 6mo, although that's pretty rare, or it could be longer than my 5. But if it did take 5 years? And you knew that by the time you were done you would have the life you want to live, is 5 years worth 50/60/70 years? Is 2 years worth 50 years? Does that change your perspective at all in thinking that a few months in and failed/done?

 

[The Albatross]

Agree with your assessment about the possibility of a TBI and at least to me that you are like you say severely depressed and don't seem to fit the BDD diagnosis. I think I would discuss both of these with your therapist more.

"There is so much sadness in the world. So much pain and suffering. This whole experience has convinced me that the world is an evil, unfair place, life is cruel, that we put on this planet to ultimately suffer until our death, and we are better off not existing in the first place. Life really is a ticking time bomb. I lived in an unscathed bubble before this (like most people do until they get burned). My life will never be the same again." Yeah, that's the situational depression talking. I say situational because the onset of your depression was due to your injury and subsequent disfigurement (if I remember correctly). The depressive aspect still needs to be brought back into balance.

I'm glad that you've been participating on a support forum (changing faces) but wish that there was some more productive mentorship rather than suffering and negativity. One of my sponsors was disfigured (torso and lower body) from a car accident... she modeled for me a lot of how to deal with adversity. My situations weren't really anything like hers but she had very solid coping skills and took time to help me.

 

[shimmerz]

Nothing but suffering and negativity there too. Facial disfigurement really is a different beast

I wonder if during your therapy you could focus on what it must be like to help others who suffer with facial disfigurement. It sounds to me like you could really help others who suffer so. Perhaps that can be an endgoal? Have you read Viktor Frankl's 'Man's Search for Meaning'. Might not be a bad thing right now.

It does get harder before it gets better. I am glad you came back here. I hope you hang around as the people here, understand pain, understand not being understood, understand the battle you are in the midst of.

I am afraid I will have to live a sad reclusive life in which I am always on guard and vigilant.

It would be good if you could work with your therapist in attempting to challenge this thought pattern. It isn't helpful at all.