Time To Change.

[katyjane]

I've totally lost myself, yet again. I have no personality, no sense of purpose of fulfilment. I need to change, or my self destructiveness will get the better of me.

I need to start dealing with the awful memories I have that led to my diagnosis. My current method of avoidance, repression, relapsing into eating disordered behaviour and substance misuse is draining what's left of me.

After 6 years of wanting therapy, I'm finally going private and starting next week. I'm hoping this will help guide me through recovery, dealing with what has happened and lead to becoming a stronger person who can cope with the flashbacks, and any other obstacles.

I really, really hope I can stick this through. In the past, I thought I was on the right track, but then another incident would happen which would set me further back. I need to be stronger to deal with these things, and most importantly- learn to recognise the signs when others have dark, ulterior motivates so history doesn't repeat itself again. I would love to be able to trust people again, including myself.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I would love to be able to trust people again, including myself.

This line just really stood out to me. I think that I, too, would like to trust people including myself, but it's the myself part that is tricky for different reasons, but that is kind of a realization I just got from your post.

I've totally lost myself, yet again. I have no personality, no sense of purpose of fulfilment.

While you start entering into this therapy, which I really hope goes the way that you are hoping and that it helps you with what you want and need, I hope you can find a part of yourself. What I mean is, I hope you don't wait until the end of what usually ends up being a lengthy process with therapy before you try to recover some of what you like. Do you like to do artwork, but have stopped? Try doing a little of that or coloring to reclaim some of you. Like to cook, but haven't been able to? Pick one recipe and make it a goal to cook it. I just know that that has been something helpful for me. I identified myself as a teacher, but now that I don't have that, I felt like I had nothing (still do a lot of days to tell you the truth), but I am fining that if I do something else that I enjoy like baking or sewing or walking or running or going to the library- anything I can, I feel more like I am still me, just a me on a journey.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Welcome to the Forum! As long as you DON'T GIVE UP, you have hope!
With therapy...you will have help and guidance through the "thick forest" to discover the "you" that you want to be.

It sounds like you are single? If so, it might be helpful, just while on your journey of self discovery, to stay single. Having someone else in the picture, really complicates everything!

Best of blessings to you!
AKJ

 

[Ka-9]

Hey Katy,

For what it's worth....and God knows 500 other people here could tell you the same, things can, and will likely improve....at least in some manner or aspect, the more effort you can muster to fight the bad stuff.

I had times, not that long ago where I was convinced I'd never feel any better, then today...I'm doing allright. I think you really can retrain the brain, even a damaged one.

Like the proverbial 3 legged dog, you might still be able to run, if not so fast.

 

[katyjane]

Thank you all for your kind words, I have been up all night, in a bad place, but your posts have helped me get out of it somewhat. @JEKBreatheandBelieve - that's a great idea about trying to reconnect with old passions and hobbies. I used to love art and photography, I started making a website a few years back to show my photos but gave up on the project. I think I'll give it another shot, and try and get into it again.

@AngelkeeperJ/AKJ - yes I am single. You're definitely right about not starting up new relationships, that's where I went wrong earlier this year. I don't want to be with anyone till I'm comfortable in my own skin.

@Ka-9 - thank you. I hope you're right. Part of me thinks I am too damaged now to lead a normal life.

--

My therapy session didn't go amazingly. The therapist didn't seem to have much experience with trauma. She asked me to describe each flashback in graphic detail, and the events behind them. She booked my next appointment 2 and a half weeks away, where I am supposed to write down the events then read them out loud. Apparently this will help me 'get it out of my head and feel much better'. :/ It feels too quick, too personal, too fast. There's no EMDR or anything.. It feels more like counselling.
I think I need to find another one.

I've felt incredibly detached from everything this week. Last night I was looking for something, and came across 'the old me'. I feel so sad. I used to have so much going for me, and I didn't even realise it. Friends, family, a uni degree, a job. I looked healthy and happy. I know I had problems, but I managed to live with them and get things done.
Now, I'm in empty shell of a person. I have abused my body, through eating disordered behaviour, substance misuse and suicide attempts. My face has never fully recovered from Bells Palsy, which i acquired after a failed overdose on pregabs. I pushed my friends and family away, and now have nobody. I am too ashamed to see anyone.
I can't stand myself. I really want to just end it. I can't keep living how I am.
I promised myself not to give up till my 27th, no matter what. I still have time. I am going to try, one more year. I've applied for jobs, voluntary positions. I need to get out of my head and help others.

I've got two voluntary positions coming up- one for Samaritans and one for St Johns & London Ambulance.

I am going to try and work on myself till then, my self esteem is so low at the moment I feel ashamed to be seen by others. One challenge for myself for the next couple days- reengage with a charity I work for, called the Cinnamon Trust, and start dog walking again.

I know I can do good, and help others again. I just need to pull myself together.

 

[digger]

One challenge for myself for the next couple days- reengage with a charity I work for, called the Cinnamon Trust, and start dog walking again.

I really like the focus of this charity. Both walking and voluntary work are important to me, although, personally, I've had to build things gradually. I think there are huge benefits mental health wise to helping other people, but be careful you don't overdo and take on too much in one go and sacrifice self care in the process?
I started fostering for a dog rescue a couple of years ago and ended up with a permanent foster from them (one of the dogs that has too many issues to rehome), it's been a life changer for me in many ways. :)

It feels too quick, too personal, too fast. There's no EMDR or anything.. It feels more like counselling

Sorry you're having to, but I'm glad you're looking at other options. She really doesn't sound informed enough about trauma. My T is a counsellor, I can't imagine her ever approving of that kind of approach to a new client. I guess part of it might come down to preferred methods and schools of thought but it doesn't sound like a safe or considered approach to me.

What other options are left with to look at now?

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Helping others, is the BEST idea! Nothing feels better than doing something for someone else! I struggle with the fact that I am not who I used to be, having gone through trauma, and still looking for the "old me". You are SO not alone!

I DO KNOW that the old me, wasn't really authentic, I hid my pain and put on a happy face to be able to work, and survive. I have lost the ability to "hide" behind a facade of someone who has everything together, and is happy and satisfied. I actually think that is a good thing. I don't want to be less than authentic, even if I'm not sure of what direction I am going.

When we DO get better, and I think WE will...come back, not as our "old" selves, but as better "renditions" of who we used to be.

Giving to others, most certainly will be nurturing a part of yourself that needs to be nurtured. If all you ever do, it give to others, help others, be genuine in your encounters with other people, you will have purpose. Maybe through those avenues, you will find more direction.

You have a good, caring heart...that's great evidence of you being more than an empty shell. ANYONE who loves dogs, it an AWESOME person! (That's what my dog tells me!!!
The main rule in MY life, GIVING UP IS NOT AN OPTION!

Keep on Keeping' on!

 

[katyjane]

You guys are so right. I actually had a really lovely day. Since I was made redundant and (involuntarily) discharged from the mental health services, I have spent the majority of my time in bed, trying to sleep away the day.

Today was different. :)
I met up with my parents and helped them with there garden, then gave them a hand shopping.
I actually made it to the doctors, sorted out my prescriptions and made an appointment for next week (so long over due!).
I've cleaned, decluttered my house, took a load of stuff to a charity shop. Then.. might of done a bit of shopping there too, hehe. (I miss and love charity shops). I asked if they needed any volunteers, they said to come back in a few weeks, and do a trial for 2 weeks to see if I make a good fit.

I spoke to so many random nice people today! I forgot that happens when you go out.

And I spoke to the lovely elderly lady from the Cinnamon Trust who said she'd be delighted for me to walk her doggies again. :) yay!!

I feel good for once. :) thank you so much for your support. This morning I almost just went back to bed, but instead I carried through with my goal, and accomplished more than I ever thought I could.

^ Also, Angel you're totally right. Old me used to just hide my problems and put on a happy smile too. I would love to be a new confident version of me, that is authentic and self-assured.

And digger, what you said about not over doing it-- wise advice! This is where I have messed up in the past by trying to do too much at once, when not being stable enough, then feeling more awful for not being able to carry out my responsibilities. I have a new section in my organiser/ to do list/ notepad - 'self care'- I hope to utilise it properly. :)

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

The therapist didn't seem to have much experience with trauma. She asked me to describe each flashback in graphic detail, and the events behind them. She booked my next appointment 2 and a half weeks away, where I am supposed to write down the events then read them out loud. Apparently this will help me 'get it out of my head and feel much better'. :/ It feels too quick, too personal, too fast

That sounds too fast and I know for me that kind of thing has sent me reeling into dark places that were hard to pull back out of. If you're not comfortable with it, I would try to find another therapist. One that definitely knows how to work with trauma. I don't do any EMDR, but I don't describe graphic details of things. I do write a lot though and it has helped me. I write about my everyday experience and thoughts and sometimes it reveals triggers to me or helps me figure out a skill to match some anxiety. But I don't write graphic detail about my trauma. I am not there yet.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

:hug:{{{STANDING OVATION}}}:hug:

When I read your post about getting out and about, my heart jumped with joy for you! TRULY!!!

YOU DO HAVE A GOOD HEART, and THAT is something that can't be TAUGHT!!! I BELIEVE IN YOU!!! Just the fact that have a history of volunteering and charity work tells me that you may be in a "slump", but your "story" is NOT FINISHED!

YOU stepped out in a HUGE WAY today, and I am excited for you.

If it's possible to try another therapist, I would certainly try! Writing out in detail, your trauma, and reading it over and over doesn't sound like a good way to start with a new therapist.

In my opinion, working on SYMPTOMS, and learning grounding techniques, or maybe some meditation? EMDR has been a
"game changer" for me. Being able to visualize being "somewhere else" can help tremendously!

Best of blessings to you, and I hope you will "stop by" to tell us how you are doing! :hug:

 

[sun seeker]

I would love to be able to trust people again, including myself.

Great start to your diary. I could really relate to some of what you said. I hope and pray that the above will become true for you.

 

[katyjane]

Aw thank you Angel and sun seeker. <3

Positive things:
- I got a voluntary job! (just working in a charity shop. It will help build my confidence and get me prepared for going back to work =). I have loads of ideas, like holding raffles and selling items online which the manager is really supportive about doing.)

- I've started exercising. I went to this brilliant glowstick dance/ plates class and had a great time. It was brilliant! There's a Halloween costume class on soon I am looking forward to.

- I've started engaging with friends/ family again.

- I've began designing my website, have another friend on board too. =)

- I'm actively volunteering for the Cinnamon Trust, am taking care of a beautiful Jack Russell three times a week.

Not so good/ need to improve
- My sleep pattern has become ridiculous. I stay up for two- three nights then crash. I get really anxious and on edge at night time. I don't feel safe in bed, as that's when bad things used to happen. I don't know what to do, I get so exhausted but the fight / flight mode kicks in as I lay down and I end up curling up in a ball terrified.
- I've lost my periods from losing too much weight. I wanted to one day have children, I'm scared I'm infertile.
Phone is about to die so will have to come back to finish.