Time to get serious about my recovery!

[ms spock]

It is time to really get serious with my recovery! I want to up all the skills that I have been working the last couple of years - so I really get better skilled during in the next three months (will have a holiday first).

I write this in the Complex forum as this is the place that I relate to the most - but I could go to a range of choices on the forum, but this is the one I relate to the most.

I will work on DBT, CBT and maths on the holidays. I will do an hour a day.

I want to go into the school year, next year, fully prepared to manage my emotions, with growing resilience and whatever other skills that I will need for my life. So it is really time to get really serious about my recovery.

I somehow slipped back into a wide range of avoidance behaviours this last week and my eating is once again a concern. The terror about telling the truth is full on! I am so scared about this that I was unable to sleep in my bed at times. So I need to address this. I think this has to do with if I spoke up or told the truth or challenged my parents I would get sexually abused. I was the scapegoat. I was the punching bag. I was the one they wanted to kill herself. The discipline of SuperBetter is really helping so much. So I will continue with that. It really brings my attention to certain issues. As is obvious my weakest point is my body. My body meant intense shame, humilation, sexual abuse, physical pain, being hit, being bashed, more sexual abuse, being pushed around, being hurt, being pinched - it was the entry point for a hell of a lot of pain and torture from my parents. Touch was the most dangerous thing - and safe touch I longed for like a thirsty person in the desert! I was so desparate and needy as a child. That still influences a lot of my daily experiences.

So self care, self soothing, self compassion - I NEED to WORK ON THESE HARD. Because if I don't I won't ever get to a place of healing that I want to get to.

I am going to work on grounding myself in my body. This is my weakest point of me at this time. I am not comfortable in my body. But I am also not able to be uncomfortable in my body either. I am just not in my body the majority of the time! So that needs to change. Until I can build up distress tolerance to be in my body I won't heal to a deeper level. These are the skills I need to acquire next. There are probably skills I need to acquire that I don't know about yet. But that is okay - I can work it out.

I need to get a filing cabinet so I can put all the paper work in an organised manner instead all over the house. I need to fix the house. I need to do the renovations that need to be done. I need to really get things ship shaped and organised.

So I will write out some routines and build on the ones I have been working on. I will get detailed.

I will practice being assertive and speaking my mind in non violent, gentle but strong ways - have no idea how to do that but I will get there.

My Mindfulness is building as a practice.

I will start filling out the DBT forms once again and give the ones that I have done to my psychiatrist.

I started doing that off my own bat.

So yes I really want to work hard on getting my skills up over the Xmas period.

I will do lots of swimming and exercise to build up strength in my body so I don't end up being in so much pain so much of the time.

I will rewrite this opening post and make it clearer as it is a dog's breakfast - but I needed to get this down. I have to make spaces for the good things to be in my life rather than just ruminating on the negativity.

 

[SeanCharles]

:tup: Sounds like serious work! :) Recognizing where we are, whether we're stuck or otherwise not feeling where we feel we belong, is first step. Of course not to mention breaking that down into the various levels or pieces even is tremendous work! I applaud you here.

I need to get a filing cabinet so I can put all the paper work in an organised manner instead all over the house. I need to fix the house. I need to do the renovations that need to be done.

I have a filing cabinet, I do see me needing to organize this house and with a lot more free time I am going to work to organize my own enviroment which is chaotic at present.

So I will write out some routines and build on the ones I have been working on.

:tup: Planning is always necessary as a starting point! :) I am a huge fan of planning.

So yes I really want to work hard on getting my skills up over the Xmas period.

:tup: This is a great goal! :)

I don't think I've expressed my deepst and sincere graditude to you so, I feel a great admiration in the progress you're making since I've known you! Excellent work and great job well done. Keep up the hard work! Progress will carry you far in your journey!

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

I realized many years ago, Ms Spock, that I was living all the time up in my head. I still over-analyze and over-think things, but I am much more present in my body than I was as a child, teenager, or young adult. Now, I go to a 90-minute "trauma-informed" Yoga for Depression & Anxiety class taught by a T who is also a yoga teacher.

Do you have a plan for grounding more in your body? Spending more time dropping into your body, comfortably?

You seem to be very good at noticing things, Ms Spock. Can you start by just noticing your feet, feeling them, acknowledging them, several times a day? Observing them in a sense, without blame or judgement, and with a lot of compassion? Do your feet hold painful memories, or is that more in other parts of the body? Or is there one small body part to start with that is fairly neutral? Or at least holds slightly less distressing memories?

I am just remembering how I felt like, damn, I have to start somewhere, let's start with my feet, literally grounding with my feet. I spent time doing barefoot mindfulness exercises, and self-massage on my feet. Just standing up and gently rolling a tennis ball around under the foot is a great way to "wake up" the feet. It can feel really good.

I'm proud of you, Ms Spock, for being so determined and persistent, and setting goals!

 

[ms spock]

Grounding and Self Compassion - I slowed down on the Self Compassion last week and I lost it a fair bit - kept it together at prac but didn't do so well personally. There is no skimping on what needs to be done for my particular journey.

 

[Sideways]

I love the motivation - I really do:)

But I got exhausted just reading all the things that you "need" to do! You have been working really hard, for a really long time. You haven't been skimping, and you are definitely not just a passenger in your recovery journey.

There's a lot goes on around this time of year. Don't forget to pencil in chill out time amongst all the things you'd like to get done.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Ms Spock OMG! With the list of things that you have to do........ when in the hell will you have time to eat, sleep and do something fun and exciting for yourself. Personally, I think you are setting yourself up for failure. Even a healthy minded person would never take on that mental load. On top of everything else that you want to accomplish.

I think you demand way too much of yourself. Your not superwoman, you have PTSD, and yes, we need to heal, but at a safe pace, and not one that will damage you further. JMHO!!!!!

 

[ms spock]

I really should have been doing my last two assessment items last weekend but I just rested and slept and caught up with stuff. So I do rest at times. I just finished my prac and I did take some time off. I read a book, did some swimming and slept a bit.

It is true I am terribly hard and corrosive towards my self at time - but that is gradually improving.

But you have to remember I don't just have PTSD (and really that is more than enough for any one person) I have the whole Complex Trauma and reactive attachment disorder thing happening as well - so I have no safe time or space in my life to return to - I have abuse and then I have a whole lot more abuse - long periods of depression and many years of dissociation as a child. So if I want to get better I have to do the work.

When I start something I start small - like I did the yoga nidra for Vietnam Veterans which is 15 minutes in the morning and evening. I started routines and then I add to them.

If I do more of the same then I will get more of the same. I deserve to have a life. So working on goals, working towards goals and achieving step by step improvement in my recovery is important to me.

Next year I will be working full time, so I need to really get the DBT/CBT/Mindfulness/Exercise to be habits before I start that. If I am not in my body I can't work out what is happening for me. If I don't work on my healing then I will never have a life. I want a life.

I want to be a good partner. I want that my partner to not live the the extremes that comes from living with someone barely managing their symptoms.

I also would like to be at ease with myself.

So yes I work hard on things - at times - I certainly have my down times, my slack times and my periods of procrastination. I also have my chill out patches as well. Those are very important. But to shift out of what I was conditioned to - which is a whole lot of abuse and trauma - I really need to be laying down some new neural pathways each and every day. I am a couple of years off 50 and I have missed out on having a life, having connections, being present in my body and a whole stack of other stuff. Now I am going to be present enough and not self sabotaging enough to have my own life.

I will relax and rest as time goes on but I will still be working on my recovery each and every day because that is what I need to do to have a life.

I read a fantastic book yesterday and today and I feel renewed by that.

I have a serious disordered eating challenge and that has been life threatening for me at times - so I need to do a whole lot of self selected recovery practices - and they are helping - I have improved out of sight.

I had daily suicidal ideation for many years - once again the constant CBT/DBT/Mindfulness/Self Compassion/Exercise - I have to constantly be mindful of this and not go downwards on a spiral of helplessness and hopelessness.

If I did what I did I would get more of what I had experienced. I don't want that. So now I do other things and my whole life is changing. Each person's recovery is very different, I get that, but for me, structured routine and daily practices are what I need to do. Self Compassion (and eventually more self soothing, self care and self love) will be part of that.

Your care and concern is appreciated @Ragdoll Circus and @She Cat - but this is just how recovery is ms spock style. I had to work it out for myself. I had to work out what works for me. I had to really struggle for decades to even get a safe space to live, and now this place it has hiccups and concerns at times, I have a safe space to live. I want to make the most of that. Many people don't get that chance. I am lucky I have that chance.

Discipline and new habit formation are the key for me - making something a routine in my daily life means I can do it.

For the longest time I had to go at almost a snail's post because there were so many trip wires and the tiniest bit of Self Compassion could trigger intense suicideal ideation. I didn't stop work I just had to do it very, very slowly and with absolute discipline. That day in and day out dedication got me where I am today - and I am so grateful that some people modeled those behaviours for me. I also have a brilliant trauma aware psychiatrist.

For me PTSD needs the most detailed and persistent effort for symptom management. I have arrived at a place that I really never thought possible. Three months of focused work - with some decent relaxation periods will set me up to manage next year - full time work - for success in a modest type of way.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Ms Spock Just remember to always take "me time" And always praise yourself, be kind to yourself, and do something nice for you, when you've worked hard and accomplished even the tiniest of achievements!!!,,

 

[ms spock]

Fair point @She Cat! Wise comment indeed and I promise I will take this to heart!

 

[ms spock]

Also if I do my physiotherapy exercises 2-3 times per day I can get my physical pain right down - so a crude analogy but you get the idea.

 

[ms spock]

New goals:

Make friends with/build a relationship with my body.
I printed out the DBT diary cards (from dbtselfhelp) and I will try out a couple this week and then I will and keep doing those again - I did them in a disciplined manner for awhile and I felt good about that.
I filled out my DBT diary cards.
Learn to say no to other people, and not beat myself up when they don't listen to me.
Start practicing to set boundaries and limits with people.

I did some Self Compassion Breaks today - when I did them more regularly I did manage my eating a whole lot better.
I did some Radical Acceptance today.
I did my hip exercises.
I walked the dog for an hour with my partner.
I put my car in to be serviced - so keeping myself and others safe on the road.
I stepped out of my ruminations.
I joined up to my professional organisations in order to start my resume.
I did Mindfulness this morning.
I wrote down the list of 10 distorted cognitions.
I read the dbtselfhelp website.
I did a 3 minute breathing space and wrote it out as well. I want to learn that one so it becomes an automatic reflex.
I did some SuperBetter.
I thought about what was making me lost my shit and why my eating bottomed out and it was my sister being here for the week bringing all that food that I need not to have in the house at this time - it triggered me in a big way.

 

[aut555]

Think when we wake up to our reality, we all of the sudden see all the things we have been delaying, getting paperwork organized and in its own place, mindfulness towards our body to including eating, etc. Everything just hits us at once. Sounds like you are feeling more empowered to me, and now you notice everything around you with clarity. Great work!