Relationship Time To Give Up?

[Cavegirl]

I'll try to keep this short but will probably fail. My sufferer (fwb) called me and we talked again. Great talk, but then I was talking about my friend D***** (we used to date) and he was almost trying to talk me into giving D another chance. Weird. Made me feel bad. Then he talked more about how he's terrified of relationships and if it even starts to get close to a relationship he freaks out and wants to run. And that I don't want him as a boyfriend, he's a terrible boyfriend. But I'm not sure how we got in the topic but he said something about him sleeping with other girls. I asked if he was and he told me it was none of my business. I got upset and told him it is my business as we don't use condoms. And if he does sleep with someone else he needs to be protected, or else WE need to use condoms. He said he was trying to make a joke he's not sleeping with anyone but it's "telling" how upset I got by the idea of it. He says he thinks maybe we need to back off, but he says it's hard because it's so fun. But he doesn't want me to get hurt. Then he thinks maybe we shouldn't have sex and stick to mutual masterbation. I was trying not to cry or sound upset but I did tell him not having sex wasn't going to make my feelings go away, that ship has sailed. I got very quiet and he said he was going to try to get some sleep. I was like, you're going to leave it all awkward? We talked a bit more but I didn't know what to say and he eventually said maybe we should leave it alone for tonight. After we got off the phone I sobbed and sobbed.

I'm dying inside. If he did like me and wanted to be with me but just was afraid and not ready for a relationship I'd wait for him forever. Wouldn't pressure him for more than what we have.

But it's looking more and more that's not the case.

But...Why does he compliment me so much? It only hurts me. He went on for several minutes tonight about how pretty I am. It'd be hard to find a girl prettier than me. My smile, my exotic look, gorgeous eyes, and on and on. I'm strong, an awesome person, fun to be around, smart, caring, I'm the type of woman other women pretend to be.

Why tell me these things??? And if he thinks so highly of me WHY DOESN'T HE WANT TO BE WITH ME?

Help me. I'm lost and fumbling.

 

[Stickler]

...my only thought ATM?
His circus, his monkeys.
He has to fix his low self-esteem.
You are not being fair to yourself if you wait around too long to see if he decides he's good enough for you.

 

[Cavegirl]

Thank you.

I guess one of the main reasons I'm drawn to him is when I told him about me losing my shit...when my PTSD flared up and I wound up in intensive all day outpatient for a few months and was off work for two years he didn't judge me. Or worse pity me. He told me that he admired the strength I have for coming from the edge to where I am now, living my life, going for my dreams. He saw my demons and didn't flinch.

It's hard to let go even if that's what's fair to me.

 

[Justmehere]

He sounds like he had been a good friend through a difficult time of life. He signed up for exactly what he is describing he wants with you: friends with benefits. You want more. That's very understandable. It happens sometimes.

His lack of different feelings for you may be PTSD or may be because of other reasons. It is what it is. Waiting for forever isn't going to change him.

I think you need to accept him as he is. He's pretty clear there shouldn't be an expectation for him to change. Take him at his word on this. If he isn't willing or looking to change, then it's unreasonable for others to expect or hope him to change as well.

Don't wait for him, and hold yourself back from pursuing other relationships, because you hope for him to be different in the future.

You are not being fair to yourself and you are possibly reenacting past abandonment by waiting for a guy who is clearly not in a place to be in a real long term relationship. There are other guys who can accept you just as deeply and have the kind of more-than-friends relationship you are looking for.

Waiting for someone because you hope they will change is not only not fair to you, but it's also not fair to him and probably part of why he is pulling away more. He sees you want more, very reasonably so, and knows he can't or doesn't want that or can't do that.

I don't know if it's so much about giving up as it is about accepting what is, and deciding if it's what you are looking for.

 

[Friday]

I would never, in a million years, live with my best friend. I've known her for over 20 years. I love her deeply & profoundly. And there is no way on planet earth I would ever willingly live with her (except under exigent circumstance, zombie apocalypse, whathaveyou).

Because there's something "wrong" with her? Nope.
Because I'm not willing to take our relationship to the "next" level? Um. No.

Because our relationship is already at it's "everything" level. There is no "more", no "next". Living together? That's just not a thing. Not a requirement. Not an expectation. I'm not dating her. She's a friend. That doesn't mean I don't love her, value her, even place her higher on my priorities scale than people I am dating, other family members, etc. It's a different kind of relationship.

Relationships... All have different parameters. Romantic relationships & f*ckbuddies? Are as wildly different from each other parameter-wise as any other two relationships. Family, friends, roommates, business partners, swim buddies, casual dating, serious dating, committed partnerships, colleagues, mentors, etc.. They all have different rules and expectations.

You guys are in one type of relationship... And it sounds like you want to be in a different type of relationship. That he doesn't? Doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. Or him. It doesn't mean that your previous/current relationship was based on lies. You're not dating. That's not the relationship you two have. You want to be, he doesn't. Both are completely fair/ valid/ reasonable positions to be in.

 

[nursenurse]

He's been very clear from square one. While friends with benefits sometimes works, in most cases, one of the involved parties will feel/want more. Back off, and look after yourself. Neither of you are bad people for wanting different things for yourselves, but he is clearly not ready for a relationship, and may never be. He may think highly of you, but just not as a lifelong partner with all that is involved. Marriage/long term commitment is a huge step in responsibility, and isn't as easy as just thinking highly of someone. Stop waiting by the phone and resume your life as if he had never been there, meaning go back to all the things you like to do, jobs, school, extracurricular activities. Since you clearly want more from him than he does from you, remaining friends does not seem to be an option, you would always be pining. Letting him go may be the kindest thing for both of you.

 

[Cavegirl]

Thank you all for your input. I wrote him out a message last night but didn't send it. I figured I'd sleep on it and make sure I was really ready to send it. After a fitful night full of nightmares and lots of waking up very sad and reading your responses I sent it.

Essentially I wasn't waiting for him to magically get better and heal himself and be ready for a relationship with me. I needed to accept the fact that he doesn't want me. For whatever reason I need to accept it. I told him if he wanted to be with me and was just scared to commit etc that I'd wait for him where we are forever. But that's now what is going on. He just doesn't want me. I told him I didn't know if I can be just friends with him and that I need time.

Ihave more to say but will just put it in my diary to not clog up the board. Thank you guys again for your input. It was the final piece of the puzzle showing me I was trying too hard for something I was never going to have.

 

[Justmehere]

:hug: @Cavegirl