Time To Quit

[desiderata310]

I've been trying to write this all afternoon. Not sure I can.

I'm so tired of fighting. What really have I got to look forward to? MORE of this?! More wondering what's going to slap me sideways with a trigger? I've been triggered all week. It never really gets better does it?

My therapist guessed it today when I said I hadn't done any of my runs this week.
He kept saying that it gets better and that the only reason I feel like this right now is because I've just had one trigger after another. Said, if I could just get a week of no triggers I'd be ok. But the thing is, I'm never really free of feeling like this. It never goes away. What do I really have to look forward to? He said it won't be like this forever and to just hold on. FOR WHAT? so that I can continue to feel like this?So I can continue to not sleep? I'm an embarrassment. I can't even sit in a meeting and conduct business properly because I get so triggered by the people there. I can't get any work done.

I think maybe it's time to cash it all in: quit therapy, quit my job, quit fighting. I want so badly to go the hell to sleep and never wake up. I want my brain to stop. All I ever feel is crazy. All the time. my therapist said that crazy people don't know they are crazy. I said that wasn't true. I was married to a schizophrenic for a long time. He knew. He knew something wasn't right but he couldn't figure out what and he couldn't fix it.

My therapist insisted that I go for a run today. I finally managed to drag myself out to the trails and ran 7 miles in the rain and mud. I didn't feel anything until I stopped and all I could do was cry. ANd I am so goddamn timed of crying and I don't even have a specific reason of WHY.

I just want this to stop.

 

[Beachlife09]

@desiderata310 I'm right there with ya. Believe me. I feel like I am about to go insane because i can't sleep, i'm so lonely, i am triggered every single freaking day, and SO much more. I haven't had a day yet where I don't want to die or am glad I survived. But as hard as it may be to believe it right now, it's still true: Life is precious. Your life is important. I'm having a bit of a hard time thinking of encouraging things because I'm on the edge myself, but please know that I believe that things will get better. Recovery is a jerk (to use a nice word), but it will be worth it. Don't give your trauma the power to defeat you. You're stronger than that. You're a survivor.

I hope things start looking brighter soon. My prayers are with you :hug:

 

[Glenn R.]

DESIDERATA: My heart really does go out to you! I can empathize completely. It seems like I live my life trying to avoid triggers, because once I become retraumatized by one of them, it takes days, sometimes weeks for it to pass.

Yet, I have to believe it will get better some day, that perhaps a drug to directly combat trauma will be created, just as modern anti depressants were 20 years ago. Prior to that, I lived in total agony, as I suffered both from PTSD and Clinical Depression.

Don't give up. To just experience one single day of inner peace and harmony with life keeps me going. That hope makes it worth keeping up the fight! When I can just let go and surrender to my PTSD, the battle becomes easier. But that is really difficult for me, as I have a Type A personality!

 

[Digz]

Those times when it feels like PTSD is all you are, are horrible. They take over your being and your world. I remember my first therapist saying to me so many times 'it will get better' and 'things get better with age'. I used to hate it when he said that. I didn't believe him and found his comments useless - what was I supposed to do in the meantime??
I hate to admit it now, but in some ways he was right. It did get better. Of course PTSD stays with you, but these horrible moments get less frequent and less intense.
It's hard, I know, believe me I know. While you're going through this, just try to focus on one moment at a time. What am I going to do to get through this hour? Think of the strategy for the next when you get to it. And remember.... this one is SO IMPORTANT... remember, this is not your fault. You are not to blame for having PTSD. If you can't concentrate in a meeting, there's good reason for that. Someone who was having a heart attack or a seizure wouldn't be able to concentrate either - just because your illness isn't visible doesn't make it any less intrusive. You are to be commended for the fact that you drag yourself out of bed still and that you have been at least physically showing up to work. That is AMAZING! If you can't get much done, you've at least done one amazing thing for the day.
Try to hang in there. It's a horrible time, but eventually the clouds will part and you'll be happy you persevered.
Remember, the fact that you are still talking, that you went out for a run today even though you didn't want to - that takes a lot of courage. You have it within you to get through this.

 

[Friday]

I know the middle ground doesn't suit us... But I try & remember that taking a vacation is a better option than nuking my life. If I want to just go sleep, and sleep, and sleep? Sure, I can quit my job/ walk away from my apartment/ say goodbye to my family... And disappear. Be homeless / jobless / gone. Sleep on the beach.

Or I can take a vacation, and go sleep on the beach, and still have a life to come home to.

The irony, is that I argue with myself. Can't afford it. Can't A-Z. Better to be dead.

Sound of scratching record. Ummmmm... What??? No. No it's not better to go to the extremes of homelessness & suicide to avoid a few late bills. But I have to walk myself through that process. It doesn't come naturally.

 

[shimmerz]

I think maybe it's time to cash it all in: quit therapy, quit my job, quit fighting.

This brings a whole new set of problems. They will feel different for a while but they don't take away the underlying feeling that you are struggling with. I know the constant triggering is unbearable. Do you have a sick leave option? If you can avoid doing anything that has permanence stamped on it I would suggest that. I know it is so difficult for you to trust right now but your therapist sounds awesome. I am not certain that cutting yourself off from him right now is a good plan. Friday has a good point, holidays sound like a great plan right now.

 

[scout86]

I seem to remember a time, not so long ago, when you posted here that things were going remarkably well and were wondering if that was what "better" felt like. If you can get there once, you can get there again. This might be a good time to check back in with your T and talk about how you're feeling so he can help you find your way through this phase. 'cause I think it IS just a phase and there are better times on the other side of it.

Hang in there!

 

[Dana1010]

I can't even sit in a meeting and conduct business properly because I get so triggered by the people there. I can't get any work done.

I remember last summer I almost started a new job, and I was doing some preliminary stuff with various contacts. This one woman I had to meet with triggered me so bad I could not hear the words coming out of her mouth. It was all "Wa wa wa wa wa" as I just nodded and grinned in agony through the meeting. I walked out on the street afterwards shaken and disoriented, retaining about a fourth of the information she imparted. I wound up not taking the job because there were so many triggers associated with it.

If it were financially feasible, I would quit work in a heartbeat. It's such a shame that there's so little disability assistance available to PTSD sufferers, no doubt because of all the healthy, sane, and able bodied people in this country working the system.

 

[desiderata310]

I've learned to be careful here talking of suicide. I don't want to get kicked off again.
Problem is that this IS where my head is. I don't have a plan. Please don't kick me off. I don't have a method readily available but this is ALL I am thinking about right now.

Another day another trigger. Last night/this morning was about a service dog. I can't tell anymore if I am acting rationally or if I am nuking relationships with people to make this easier/worse/ better/ give myself more of a reason. Pretty sure I nuked the relationship with the dog adoption agency, the trainer, my aquaintance, and possibly even my therapist in one fell swoop. I don't f*cking care. Trainer would say one thing and then contradict herself. The adoption person was told to communicate through my therapist and insisted on pressing me for information about my PTSD and how it origionated. My therapist suddenly up and quit communicating altogether.

I can't do more than a couple of hours of work a day without feeling like I am going to implode. Today I was at work, had to fill in for someone else's position. Was there for an hour and if felt like 3. When the relief person arrived I couldn't leave fast enough. I used to work 7am-2am every time.

I want this to end. I've got nothing to offer this world anymore.
I'm still here. sucking up the air for no good goddamn reason.

 

[Dana1010]

@desiderata310, I definitely relate to these feelings. I don't want to force anything down your throat, but have you tried spirituality (as opposed to religious sermonizing)? I know of some people whose trauma was so severe that they just couldn't get over the hump with traditional therapy--at some point they had to look to a higher power for answers. Once your experience of the material world is as damaged, and the feeling of wanting out is as strong as ours, you sort of have to start looking down unconventional avenues.

I'm not devout or anything, but I find a casual belief or even suspended disbelief in a world beyond the physical is one of the only things that gives me any sense of peace these days. Maybe try going to your local bookstore or library and browsing for books on Buddhism, Taoism, new age philosophy, the soul's journey, etc. It may require a suspension of disbelief, but you're obviously desperate, so what do you have to lose? Can it be worse than the handful of pills and expensive therapy that don't seem to be working anyway?

 

[VioletButterfly]

I'm in the soup with you to an extent. For me, I just keep beating myself up to find "solutions" so that I can "do" something to "fix" myself. This approach hasn't and still isn't working. I don't seem to have the keys needed to open the door of healing for myself. Like you, I haven't found much help outside of myself by reaching out to "professionals" either, but instead have found harm.

One of the options I have tried that has helped me is turning to my faith. In my faith, I am told to let go and trust, to seek and to see, to trust in the promises, that there are reasons and that I have a purpose, that I am loved and cherished, and that I am worthy... It's been a long road to get to where I embrace and believe. Even now, I think and act in contradiction to what I have been told. It's very, very hard to hold onto these beliefs when it feels like the world and I am working against myself. The past year has given every aspect of myself, including my spirit, a good beat down. I was and am working through where you are at. I have no other explanation for my survival and any ray of hope thus far except for the power of "grace" in my life.

Thus, I agree with Dana1010 that sometimes we need to step away from the physical world and it's options, and into the metaphysical realm in order to survive the immense burden of PTSD. Yesterday, I saw no light and like you thought I couldn't manage another day of feeling this way. That I wanted no more of this life if this was all it was going to be. Life has been spiraling for a good, long while now on the same pain and agony driven trajectory. I was spoken to last night, again, and reminded of who loves me and to whom I can turn in times of agonizing pain. That I will be provided for. This is what has worked for me. There are many other options for you to seek out and to try if you are interested.

I won't wax Pollyanna on you about life getting better because that is a very individualized process that involves a lot of choices, but I will reiterate what Dana1010 said above about suspending disbelief if even just for a little while to consider what might be available to you beyond the physical realm in terms of healing. A respite, of sorts, to give yourself a mental/spiritual break. Perhaps to add/try another tool in your toolkit.

Hoping you find some measure of peace today. :angelic: VB