Relationship Tips On How To Best Support Girlfriend During Times Of Stress

[blue_eyes18]

My girlfriend and I had been doing quite well lately. She seemed to have been making a lot of progress in therapy and we were doing fantastic in the relationship department.

Then her father developed liver cancer.

She found out about a week ago. He's always been an active alcoholic and chronically lies about his drinking. He tries to tell her and the rest of her family that he's sober, but they all know better. Her father has always been a big trigger for her, in general. So having this ordeal seems to have been a stressor for her.

She claims she doesn't care about her father being sick and that he deserves it, as he brought it upon himself. At the same time, I can tell by her behavior that she's extremely stressed by something. She's not sleeping regularly, and when we talk, she's obviously distracted or stressed out. She's also constantly cleaning nonstop, which is her coping mechanism, and she's having nightmares, etc.

Tonight, she called me and said she'd had a nightmare and couldn't sleep. I asked if there was anything I could do or if she needed anything. She said no, that she would be okay. I don't know what else to do. I know her well enough to know she doesn't want to talk about what she's feeling directly, so I try to just be supportive in what limited way I know how.

I guess my question is what exactly is the most helpful thing I can do for a sufferer during times like these? I've learned a lot about her and I'm still learning. But I don't always know exactly what to do. I don't know exactly what's wrong or what she's even feeling because she doesn't share it. I just can only assume it's in relation to her father. And I've learned through the passage of time what to look out for, such as the cleaning, to indicate her stress.

As a supporter, what are the ways I can best be there for my girlfriend? I want to be there and be strong for her. I just don't always know what to do. Especially when I don't know what exactly she's feeling. Any tips?

 

[blue_eyes18]

On a side note, she had a night recently where she just randomly remembered in vivid detail a few incidents of things that occurred in her past and she wrote it all down - pages of notes (all right after finding out about her father's cancer). She went to her therapist the next day and she said the session went well. However, since then, she's really been seemingly having a tough time.

Anyway, once again, I'm just curious how I can best support her. I love her so much and sometimes, I truly don't know what to do. Thanks.

 

[silkleaves]

I only know how I react to stressful situations...I lash inwards, I dont take things out on other people, I inflict everything on myself. When I was in group, I saw that others did the opposite, lashing out on others. Because of this, I dont know how your gf reacts or what she needs...so I can only say from my point of view... for me, support is just knowing that someone cares. I hate laying my problems on other people, whether its because I dont want to burden them or I dont even know how to express them. But just knowing I matter is plenty enough.

But it makes me really uncomfortable, and even guilty when someone keeps saying or even looks like they feel sorry for me and want to help me, and I really dont know how to react to this. Sort of like, how can I tell someone how to be there for me, when I dont even know how to be there for me. Then I end up feeling like Im letting them down and disappointing them, because its like Im trying to push them away, but Im really not...I just dont know how to process how I feel in a way to express what sort of support I need so I withdraw and try to figure it out on my own rather than drag someone else into it.

And I guess, try not to look at her like you pity her or express how helpless you feel about what shes going through. Personally, that just makes me angry...not with anyone else, but with myself for being so difficult..which just launches me into a whole snowball effect of thinking that just compounds the initial problem Im dealing with...which leads back to more withdrawing and avoiding.

Im sure she knows you are there for her...touch bases every once in a blue moon, but let her come to you when / if she is ready and able to tell you what she needs.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

@blue_eyes18 I moved your thread into the supporters section. Please be mindful of where you post. Posting in the correct section will get more helpful replies.

Best wishes.

 

[blue_eyes18]

Sorry about posting in the wrong section. I appreciate you moving it for me. I'm still learning this site. So thank you.

Silkleaves - thank you for your wonderful answer. I think she is like you in many ways, but also unlike you. I think she is incredibly hard on herself and lashes out on herself inwardly very frequently. However, I believe some of that does trickle outward and others - myself, predominantly, as well as her family - receive the brunt of it. She can be the sweetest girl in the world, or she can be a nightmare lol. But she catches herself when she lashes out outwardly and always apologizes afterwards.

The part you mentioned about feeling sorry for her or acting like I pity her rings very true. She hates that. And also, exactly like you said; if I act like I feel helpless about the situation or that I'm having a hard time with it, she internalizes it and it makes her feel worse. She feels as though I'm better off without her. She then pushes me away because she doesn't want to hurt me.

You gave some great advice. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond and share your personal experiences. I will remain mindful of all if the things you said. Much appreciated.

 

[silkleaves]

I'm so glad I could help! And you helped me too...it gives me hope to see an SO care enough to want to understand and be compassionate, because sometimes I really wonder if that is possible. :)

 

[Tinyflame]

Well I relate to what you've both said, & feel a bit as your gf's experiences & feelings go. Thank you both, you have very kind perspectives that help (to put words to it, and to normalize it too). :hug:

 

[blue_eyes18]

It's very possible to find someone patient enough and loving enough. In fact, in many ways, this experience has made me a much better person. It has taught me to be very understanding and compassionate - a universally good trait to have.

You'll find someone :) no worries.

Junebug - glad I could help. Even if it was on accident lol.

 

[Firefly44]

blue_eyes18, it sounds like you are already doing a great job. Have you read Shockwave or When Someone You Love Suffers from Posttraumatic Stress?

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes it sounds like you understand much. Thanks for saying it can be a 'positive'.

:hug:

 

[unfreezing]

I just think you're an amazing person to care this much about her suffering.

 

[blue_eyes18]

No, I haven't read either of those booms. I'll have to check those out! Thanks for the insight! And thanks all for the kind words. It's very much appreciated.