Tips On Trauma Diary

[Nebulustrix]

every time I do spend time describing my trauma, it's difficult, but then a day or two later, it goes away. I still remember, just not with a lot of emotion attached.

This is how it works with me too! :) My PTSD was really bad for about a year - my emotions extremely hyper-active and hyper-vigilant. Every memory had so many extreme emotions tied to it, that I could hardly handle it. I overreacted to every tiny little thing that brought even the least recollection of my ex or any of the experiences I had with him.

Then I started writing it down- visiting first whatever was bothering me the most. Putting it on paper, in a way, seemed to put some of the emotions on paper too. Then, revisiting and rereading what I'd written later lessened my emotional response to that particular event even more. I was desensitizing myself to it, and I was taking the time to disconnect my emotions from the reminders - because that intense response was no longer necessary.

I was having the intense response because my instincts were telling me that the triggers/reminders were life-threatening, and writing down the flashbacks helped me realize that my extreme emotions were no longer necessary, so they started fading away.

Now, I still have all the same memories, but I can almost "forget" them, because the emotional response is (mostly) no longer connected to them. Every now and then, something will still spike up and bother me badly. And I still often have flashbacks- but they are now mostly just a nuisance. If I ignore them for awhile, they repeat over and over - which I can handle for awhile since I don't respond to them so emotionally. But I still get tense, irritable, and cranky, and if I don't deal with it that response will build up until it becomes just as bad as it was before.

There are also many experiences I haven't revisited yet, because I haven't been through anything that would trigger me for that particular moment of my trauma, but I know it will come eventually.

 

[The Albatross]

That's something I've wanted to do, but haven't built up enough strength to do yet.

You've got a full plate and a complicated life. When the time is right, it will happen. It was no party, but it was ultimately worth it each and every time because I could see the subtle changes in thinking patterns or preferences.

 

[EverOnly358]

Now, I still have all the same memories, but I can almost "forget" them, because the emotional response is (mostly) no longer connected to them.

Neb, I liked your entire post. Here's my question (for anyone), and maybe it's a stupid one, but that's okay, because I want to know... when this happens (Neb's quote) does that mean you've resolved that trauma? I mean, because that's the goal. I just want to know. Writing, reviewing, editing, SUDS scale (glad that was mentioned Albatross, very important (I tend to go off on weird tangents when my SUDS number gets too high. When I'm in the right place, I can focus just on the one trauma, the subject at hand.)), rereading, Mood Management, logical arguments, sleep, then feeling so much better the next day -- does that equal trauma resolved?

D

 

[Tinyflame]

I think that does equal trauma resolved, but also a different understanding or reframing of what's occurred, following. Maybe being at peace with it so that when thoughts do occur they are only memories. And that one can have more and more good days in the present, with symptoms managed and on the periphery. (I'm sorry if I've badly worded that, I'm struggling to find words. :( )

I think The Albatross described the mechanics of the process really well.

I came back to the thread because I think quic described my experience exactly, including nearly losing my mind and life. And I had no idea it was coming (which in retrospect I'm actually thankful for), what was happening to me, and it was near impossible to get through.

Even the analogy, the movie, had I seen that movie before all of this I would have thought it 'creepy', now I totally relate and agree to what quic said, every word. The 'amnesia' part too. Though I wish you didn't relate, thank you from me personally quic, so very very much, for that. I thought I was alone in that.

 

[Nebulustrix]

Personally, I don't think my trauma is quite resolved yet. I did think it was when my therapist said she thought I didn't need to see her anymore, and I went on and experience life with minimal difficulties. I still had insomnia, occasional nightmares and some intrusive thoughts, but it wasn't debilitating and I could go most days without thinking about it at all.

However, I've come to recognize that while I thought this meant it was resolved, it had really only gone into remission. I'm not being hit with it anywhere near as hard as I initially was. My PTSD isn't "bad" anymore. But I came and found this site about a month ago now when a trigger had caused me to have a panic attack, and I haven't gone a day sense without the intrusive thoughts and emotional tension. I haven't gone back to therapy yet, because I've been having trouble finding someone I can go to here, but I know I need to be revisiting all of this to continue working on resolution.

Perhaps I will never reach a complete resolution, and I don't know if that is even possible. But I do think it is possible to at least regulate it - turn a gaping festering wound into nothing more than a tender scar that occasionally has phantom pains and might need a little "cream" or salve. I think mine was "stitched", but hadn't healed entirely. So the experience that caused my panic attack popped some of the stitching, and I need to clean and sanitize the wound again, pay more attention to the areas I'd ignored, and stitch it back up again.

 

[The Albatross]

Junebug... I got the rudimentary idea from High School. A troubled teen... they arranged it so I could ask for a pass to my counselor whenever I needed to. I would do so and say what happened in my home... all body reaction, tears, snotty nose and hiccupping. Then later in the day a pass would come to me for the head counselor. I would again tell what happened, and had a still emotional, though lessened response. Near the last couple classes of the day I would get pulled out of class a third time. This time with the psychology teacher. I would tell it yet again... with distress but almost no crying, ranting, yelling, body reaction. Like it was third person almost... but not quite.

He would give me materials... I learned the basics of trans-actual analysis in my sophomore and junior years in High School by him giving me homework and my meetings with him. I learned and understood, way back then the importance of telling what happened and retelling it until it normalized. Apparently it stuck. So when I began the diary process, I automatically defaulted to that scenario. Because I knew it worked for me before.

I did in AA recovery speak to my High School and also write a letter to Mr. Franklin my former psychology teacher to tell them how much their intervention meant to me (although I was never removed from my home or child services was never called - it was the 1970's). It was and still is a block in my foundation and was a turning point in my life.

 

[The Albatross]

Personally, I don't think my trauma is quite resolved yet. I did think it was when my therapist said she thought I didn't need to see her anymore, and I went on and experience life with minimal difficulties. I still had insomnia, occasional nightmares and some intrusive thoughts, but it wasn't debilitating and I could go most days without thinking about it at all..

It is not necessary to resolve the trauma. It is learning the ability to let the thought be there... like a chess piece on a board. It is neither good nor bad. You are not best served fighting thoughts or feelings, you are best served learning and acknowledging that you "are" the chess board and endeavor to learn how to hold those both good and bad. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy has the metaphor on this (google ACT Chessboard Metaphor). I have been using some ACT techniques for about a year now.

 

[EverOnly358]

I think that does equal trauma resolved

Thanks Junebug. I totally got what you were saying.

SUDS scale would decrease on the repetitions of re-reading

Yeah, I obsessively proofread EVERYTHING over and over, so this was like implied. :laugh: (It's truly good advice.)

although I was never removed from my home or child services was never called - it was the 1970's

It's maybe not my business to ask... but what do you mean by "it was the 1970's". Because, well, I can't figure out why nobody from school ever intervened for me. I mean, I came to school with black eyes and bruises repeatedly. I don't know, maybe I'm grasping at straws here. But if you feel you can share anything, that would help me. And I found the rest of your post really helpful, too.

And Albatross, I think I understand what you're saying. I guess I want to know that there's some difference between randomly revisiting traumatic thoughts and memories vs. productively working through them. I've done the first one automatically for years, without ever wanting to and now I'm trying to productively work through them. I know it's not an all or nothing thing... and it's not so cut and dried as I'm trying to make it out to be. But, I guess, I want to make sure it is doing something good. And honestly, only time will tell, I know that. And I truly think writing in my Trauma Diary is making a huge difference... I don't know exactly why, I'm learning more about exactly how (this thread has been VERY helpful), but the main thing is that I just FEEL that it really is a good thing. I dunno. I hope that makes sense.