Tired Of The Journey

[Tessa]

Thankyou deer and jesse, your prayers were heard as I knew I had to do something to help myself. I rang a crisis line and had a long talk to a psychologist who has been ringing me each day since I went on stress leave. I felt a lot better after that.

I work in outback Australia as a nurse and midwife and am also the manager of 13 staff,mainly Aboriginal. We do everything from child health to delivering babies to trauma and palliative care and everything inbetween. We do not have a doctor and I am highly skilled and love my work. However I am frustrated by the systems and people who will not listen to our needs. We have nowhere to run as we live here in the outback with the people we try to help.

I have met and cared for some of the most beautiful people out beyond the farthest fences. There are many stories in my members only trauma diary. Hope this answers your question.

Thankyou for caring and for your prayers.

 

[anni]

So many care, but one more prayer can't be anything but helpful. Mine's out there. also. :)

I'd read the post of you being SO shredded, before you were able to contain things via the crisis line, where you asked why. That little scrap of life your daughter is carrying is just one 'why' but an awfully good one.

Gosh there are an awful lot of bullies figuring large in people's stories here. I do not know what the answer is, except that these weak, malignant people invariably self-destruct through their own. They do not have anyone to maintain them in life in the end, who can? It doesn't help the impact they are having on you at the moment, but you'll be free of this bully at some point. I'm sorry they making your life more hellish in spots at the moment. Prayers for this, also.

 

[Tessa]

Thankyou all for your care. Today I got out of bed for the first time in days. I think I will go home to the farm and live a solitary life for awhile. I do not have power or a computer there so will not be able to keep in touch unless I visit my son.

 

[jesse]

Tessa I am so relieved that you are going home for awhile. I have really been thinking about you a lot and even though I don't know you I have been deeply worried. Tessa you are only one person, you are not responsible for all the attrocities that surrounds you. You are such a fighter and incredibly brave but there is only so much a human being can handle. I read that you are deeply religous, can you turn all of this guilt and sense of responsibility over to god and remove yourself from an environment that is going to kill you? I can understand how hard it must be to know how vital and life-saving your work is, but Tessa if you kill yourself you will never be able to help in anyway again. It sounds like your daughter also struggles with severe depression what would happen to her if you died? It may very well kill her too. You have given the utmost dedication yo your work and it sounds like it nearly has your soul too, Tessa it is OK to walk away from it you can always come back if you want. Please take care.
Sincerely,
Jesse

 

[PTSDT]

It is exhausting. Always fighting the same battles that aren't real any more, but feel more real than ever. I think it is very self caring to decide to go someplace safe and be alone. I used to use my alone time to rejuvenate. But it seems as I've gotten more sick with this exhausting disorder that I feel so weak and needy. I used to go days without talking to a single person and enjoy the solitude. Now, I need to communicate way too much. I repeat the same things over and over. I scored 2 points on the self esteem test. I feel shocked by the score and hope I can follow the suggestions in Anthony's articles about how to raise it again. It seems insurmountable. This web site has been very helpful to me. I don't feel so alone - especially in the middle of the night when I'm putting off sleep.

 

[anni]

Rest well and take care. :)

Peace,

Anni

 

[Tessa]

Yesterday a senior Aboriginal woman came to my house and just sat with me holding my hand,sharing my pain and the silence was healing. We understood each other and words were not necessary. It brought tears to my eyes.

The crisis line psychologist does not think staying on the farm would be good. Especially as I am terrified at night and would sleep with a gun. This stress will only make it worse and it would be too easy to pull the trigger. I am probably going to stay with my son for a week until my next review. They actually think my work is therapeutic and I know it is. It is not always about trauma..there are many good moments like bringing a little new life into the world or the fun of school screening...

 

[James B.]

Touching story about the Aboriginal woman, Tessa. Thank you, and good luck with everything. Sending warm thoughts your way...

 

[Iam]

HI Tessa,
Feel like I am late in replying to your latest posts. I am sorry that it has been so tough. I have been there with the thoughts of suicide and fighting with everything I have not to do it. I am glad that you are feeling the slightest bit better. Hopefully tomorrow will be just a little bit brighter too.

Your work is so important. Just the fact that the woman came and sat with you today, holding your hand without saying anything attests to how important you are to the people in your community. Hang in there and keep looking for the reasons that you are here. Not many people have your compassion for others. Add to that the skills you have. Who else would come out there to take your place helping these people?

Sending prayers up for you. (((HUGS)))

 

[Tessa]

Thankyou Iam. I feel so weak right now and the hugs and prayers are very welcome.

 

[Iam]

I know Tessa. I just was in the hospital. Checked myself in to protect myself. I was in for 4 days and have been totally wiped out for a week since getting out. Last night I finally started feeling better. All that to say that I understand where you're at right now.
Yesterday I started a list of affirmations and a gratitude journal. Don't know if I was able to do those because I was starting to feel better or started to feel better because I did them. At any rate, they did help.
Hang in there. You are starting to regain your strength ;o) Rest lots, drink lots of water.

 

[anni]

Funny how struggles are universal-no words required. I think the woman who sat with you maybe was the same sort of healer you are. Gosh that would have flattened me ( with gratitude ), just that gesture. How perfectly lovely in the midst of all that dreck. I know it's terribly, terribly rough for you at the moment but wished to thank you for that image- just found it rather beautiful, you know?

Wishing ( praying ) more healing moments for you.