Sufferer Tired - stalking

[Rebecca1515]

I have PSTD because I had a stalker for over a year. He was my ex boyfriend that I rejected because of his drinking. He tormented me and my immediate family to the point I could not go see my family in fear he would do something to them. He broke into my apt. and held me there until I managed to get away from him. He would call me and leave messages about what I bought at the grocery store and I never knew he was there. He rented and borrowed cars that I wouldn't recognized so he could follow me and many times run me off the road. At work I had a sheriff's deputy walk me to and from the door and one point stay in the office with his shotgun ready if he decided to find me there. He broke into my apt 3 time, 2 times while I was sleeping. Tons of other stuff that I won't get into right now. I just got married last January and now having problems with PSTD with him coming up behind me to hug me and I just out of my skin. I don't know if this will cause us to split because I jump at every touch.

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome!

Are you in treatment?

 

[saraemerald]

Wow. He sounds beyond insane. Can you get a restraining order on him?

 

[Justmehere]

Welcome to the forums!

What you have been through is awful. I think there is good cause for hope that your symptoms can improve. Are you working with a trauma therapist?

 

[Rebecca1515]

It has been over 10 yrs and I have been in treatment but am not at the moment. I had a restraining order against him and he had 13 aggravated stalking warrants against him. What I failed to say in the intro was that he died 3 days before he was getting sentenced. The family would not let me see his body so I never got closure. To me he is out there somewhere with a different name. I went to the courthouse and got his death certificate but it did not say how he died because I was not immediate family. I see him everywhere

 

[Justmehere]

It’s really common that symptoms will spike with intimacy and commitment - like with marriage. The first year or so of marriage can also be some of the most difficult years for a couple.

I’d suggest getting back into treatment, with a solid trauma therapist, and perhaps even couples counseling to figure out how to navigate this together.

I’d also look into challenging cognitive distortions (we all have them) and working on doing grounding skills throughout the day.

The fear that he is still alive 10 years later, despite clear evidence to the contrary, and could still hurt you seems to be playing a big role in keeping the fight or flight symptoms going. I’m still scared of things that happened in the past could happen again... but by grounding myself, I bring myself back to this moment now, where things are actually relatively safer.

By grounding preemptively, you’ll lower your stress cup levels (https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/) and might be able to sustain closeness later on with less symptoms.

 

[Friday]

Welcome to the forums!

Been doing the fun with stalkers thing here for awhile, now. It truly sucks. While PTSD is PTSD is PTSD, individual traumas all have their own Rollercoaster of Badness that comes along with them. You might be interested in this thread >>> Long Term Effects Of Stalking? <<< which discusses some of them.

The family would not let me see his body so I never got closure. To me he is out there somewhere with a different name. I went to the courthouse and got his death certificate but it did not say how he died because I was not immediate family. I see him everywhere

Individuals don't have the same access that lawyers and private investigators have. If this is something you truly believe will help? Hiring one to get the details for you is a lot less risky -and a great deal easier- than taking a shovel to a cemetery. If somewhat more expensive. Fair warning, though, the things we think "should" bring us closure? Often just kick Pandora's box wide open, instead. So if you do choose to hire someone with a greater degree of access, I'd strongly recommend being in therapy with someone you respect & trust, when you do so.

 

[WillyKat]

Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you're dealing with all this. Please understand that you're not alone.
I agree with @Friday that there's no guarantee that seeing the body will resolve the triggering and then there's the possibility of tremendous disappointment if it doesn't.
Triggers can be very, very complex. By definition, they are reminders of past trauma. It's your mind/body keeping you safe from dangers that may be similar to the original trauma. That alone implies that the one guy that traumatized you isn't the only thing your mind/body is guarding against. Hope that makes sense.
Agree with @Justmehere too that mindfulness/grounding really works. Also if its been ten years since you were treated, it may be time to go back. My therapy stopped once for about ten years. At the time, I just wasn't ready to go to the next set of challenges. It may be that you're ready for another level.

 

[Rebecca1515]

Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you're dealing with all this. Please understand that you're not alone....

Thank you so much. I am having some problems dealing with my current marriage. I never should have married but he has lots of guns and I feel safe here. I know that sounds stupid but it helps me deal. I am going to my Primary care doctor on Wednesday and will ask him for a referral to start therapy again. It just seems bringing up everything keeps it alive in my mind then I think it's been 10 yrs and it's still there.

 

[shimmerz]

I can totally relate to this posting. It was 10 years ago for me as well and I still am horribly affected by the stalking. I can't seem to shake it - doesn't matter where I am I feel like I can't walk out in the open.

Also, when my birth mother died (I didn't see her body either), I literally feel like I went insane in my head. The overall feeling was that I didn't know where she was. I couldn't keep track of her somehow. I expect that must have been a trigger when I was young. Like I always needed to know where she was. Not sure if that is helpful to you at all but your thoughts on this brought that memory up for me.

Keep strong.

Oh, and if you learn visualization skills, you can kill him yourself in your mind. It won't know the difference. Visualization is an incredibly strong tool. Beats digging up bodies.

 

[WillyKat]

I've made an oath to myself to never, ever discuss gun control on the Internet. So I'm not going to mention that having a lot of guns in the house raises some risks while it may seem to eliminate others. Ooops! I just broke my oath.

Physical safety is required before you can heal effectively. So let me offer a couple other bits of advice about improving your sense of safety:

• Consider pepper spray: for a small canister attached to your keys, you don't need a permit of any kind, I don't think. Check your local laws. It's not lethal so there's no danger of hesitating to use it like there may be with a gun
  
• Consider a taser. Again, check local laws. You can certainly keep one in your home but I have no idea about carrying it around with you. Also not lethal (civilian versions).
  
• A self-defense class. Bonus points here. Learning to defend yourself teaches you that not all danger needs to be overwhelming. Triggers are nasty. They tell you that everything is dangerous. Having certain skills makes you feel safer and is better for healing.
• Dog. Kind of self-explanatory.

 

[Rebecca1515]

Thank you! I understand your feelings on the guns. I have two sons and never had one when they were around. Now I am attached to my gun, take it with me everywhere. I doubt I could ever shoot anyone or anything so I guess it's just a security thing. When all of this was going on the police & DA told me to get a gun and where to shoot the person if need be. I did get a dog and still have her which helps a lot. Sometimes I think she knows I am paranoid, I guess she can feel it which makes me sad that she is paranoid too.

I can totally relate to this posting. It was 10 years ago for me as well and I still am horribly affe...

shimmerz Thank you! Good to know someone else feels this although I am sorry you do. Back to therapy for me, maybe I can learn how to love again.