Relationship To All Supporters!

[Sighs]

Sorry I'm late to this thread and I acknowledge @Saint Nik's most recent post.

But hoo boy! The heading is "To All Supporters!". You couldn't be any clearer that this was intended for all of us.

To reiterate what I said elsewhere, @Saint Nik - you know nothing about my vet. You know nothing about his trauma. You know nothing about our relationship. To presume to speak for him and advise me on how to support him is incredibly arrogant.

I think you meant well. But I have some questions for you.

Are you and your partner young? How long have you been together? Do you live together? Do you have children, if so together or from previous relationships? Are you able to work? Do you have enough money? Are you homeless? Do you have nightmares? Does he get enough sleep? Do you get along with his family? Does he get along with yours? Have you ever hit him in a rage? Have you strangled him during a flashback? Is he afraid of you? Have you ever cheated on him? Have you ever disappeared for days or weeks at a time? Have you ever hit his child in a rage? Do you drink? Do you take drugs? Do you gamble? Has he ever really seen your dark side?

Because supporters on this site deal with those issues. Some of us deal with only a few. Some of us deal with many of them.

If your supporter

doesn't see PTSD as an issue

then I would say he is either so deep in denial that he is drowning or your particular manifestation of PTSD has not yet had much of an impact on your relationship.

And PS - your earlier post drove me mad because of your poor grammar - for god's sake it should be ARE there supporters out there in healthy PTSD relationships.

 

[catlover26]

Give her a break! Her intentions were good and she has some valid points. No, not any advice anyone says is going to apply to everyone. Hell when you post something on here how can you possibly explain the complexities of your Vet in a few paragraphs. So how can anyone expect very good advice all the time.Or very much of the time. There are always going to be comments that are going to tick you off. You take what you can by reading a lot of posts and learn from them like I have. And make your own decision what is best for you. I know my experience is very minimal compared to all of you but maybe I can make it up with my old age and of course wisdom!! LOL

The bottom line is you know your guy better than anyone and you have to decide what you will put up with in a relationship. Are my needs being met? Well no not really all the time. But to me if the good can out weigh the rougher times than it is worth it. Just my 2 cents worth.

And by the way, I don't think we knead Grammar Nazi's on hear!!!

 

[Sweetpea76]

Since we are having the discussion...

Sometimes sufferers come over to the supporter threads and have a reaction. People see the other side of the coin over here and some take it poorly... and it makes them worry and wonder if they are making their own supporters feel as bad as some of the ones on here feel. Or they get offended and think we are all bitching and whining. Or they think that we just don't have a clue and try to lecture us. What have you... it varies and we get a variety of reactions, conscious or unconsciously.

This is a safe place for supporters to come and talk amongst ourselves and get advice from people who have been in our shoes. We love sufferer advice in the right tone and spirit... we have some great sufferers that help us a lot. That is especially nice for those of us whose sufferers may be currently dishing out a ration of shit to us at home. On the flip side, it's not pleasant to deal with a different sufferer reacting badly here when your own sufferer is reacting badly enough at home to suit.

I think if one of us had posted a thread like that in the sufferer's section, we would have been torn to shreds for our insensitivity. Most of us are extremely careful to remember whose house we are in when interacting with people over there. We would just like to have the same courtesy that we extend to them extended to us.

Also, the cold hard truth is that sometimes PTSD does cause difficult behaviors in awesome people who would never ever act like that if they were not dealing with the stressors, triggers, or emotional fallout of PTSD. Sometimes it just plain does not matter how well you communicate with your sufferer or set boundaries. For example, in a fabulous long-term PTSD relationship, a sufferer doesn't have to be a horrible person in general to display lashing out behavior and yell at their supporter. They can be so sweet they look like Snow White with small woodland creatures following them around any other time of the day... but they just hit a point where their stressors overwhelm them, they are not able to cope, and they react negatively. It happens. Sometimes it is a spell or rough patch where that behavior lasts awhile. It doesn't make them a horrible person. It also doesn't make their supporter inept if they have difficulty dealing with being the focus of the lashing out.
.
@Saint Nik, I don't have a negative opinion of you, and I can see that you feel bad for the post. I know you did not mean to offend. However, I don't think anybody was trying to be harsh or brutal. I know I personally was just making a point and speaking up.

 

[Saint Nik]

harsh or brutal

No, you are right. No one was being harsh or brutal. That is only what it felt like for me within, because something happened, I got triggered (I don't know exactly what the trigger was). The thread in fact triggered off old stuff from my past and set me right off.
It wasn't about what I said in the thread or what yourself or other members replied to the thread. If I am honest, I am not entirely sure what happened, or why I was even triggered. It just happened.
Concerning yourself though, I felt you made very huge valid points, as did Anthony and it was at that point, I was like "Oh shit, what have I done? I can't even delete the blasted thing!" I re-read and I realized how it came across. I realized my mistake. I didn't have my facts straight!
I never really thought and it was very careless and I learned my lesson the hard way.

I am glad you got back to me though and I hope you are okay!

P.S I think all supporters are amazing. Always have!

 

[shimmerz]

Isn't there some sort of saying around here about 'take what you need and leave the rest'? Whether to some it sounds like a 'know it all' perspective, do we have to make fun of grammar and rake the crap out of @Saint Nik? Sorry, I just don't understand this mentality. My bad.

Nik, I am currently in a situation where I am a supporter and a supportee. It has been a short stint so far but these two things are what I appreciate my supporter just 'rolling with' so far (who is also a sufferer).

Are we 'human beings' by the way, that have developed PTSD really this bad in relationships?

he doesn't see PTSD as an issue, he understands that the shit I have been through is what ANY human being would go through if they were as traumatized as I were. He is compassionate and empathizes, but not to the detriment of draining himself in the process:

I appreciated these both. Very much. I hate the armed camp of supporter and supportee. Would this thread not be more useful if someone actually had validated one or two of the many things on the list? You know, something like, 'yes communication is key for us, but it is really tough to do'. Or, 'Coffee? How the hell do I get coffee into them when they can't come out of bed for weeks sometimes?' Was there anything that the supporters or supportees saw in this posting that they could actually call helpful because I sure did.

I get it about the tone thing, but I don't believe a tarring and feathering in the village square is in order. Not a popular opinion on this thread I am sure, but it is mine.

Nik, take what you need from the responses and please leave the rest. I say, 'congratulations on making it work to both you and your supporter!'

 

[Saint Nik]

Isn't there some sort of saying around here about 'take what you need and leave the rest'? Whether to...

Thanks @shimmerz I am okay about the replies and grammar Nazi's. I didn't come on PTSD for an education (I would seriously be f*cked, if I did!)
I am on ALL supporters side, believe me. I also have been a supporter of a PTSD sufferer before I ever developed PTSD and I never set any clear boundaries and they were part of that development in my PTSD. I just didn't want so many of kind supporters to endure the fate I did.

As for the tone of the thread. It's like text messages to me, people can send a text and we try 'feel' the tone of the message. Guess what? We always misinterpret it. Because we can't really guess any energy with just words alone! I am not the best writer (never claimed to be) I just put up this thread, thinking ahhh this might help?! I got so carried away with it, put bits of myself and my partner's experience in it. Put my own experience on how I would have loved to have boundaries with a PTSD sufferer prior (kind of hindsight thing going on) and then click, posted!
I was expecting disagreements, but never did I expect such conflict! I'm okay now, people can send their worst. There is basically nada I can do about the thread now!

I just wish I put a warning label on the thread now :laugh: I just hope that people have the sense to turn away from the thread, ignore me, unwatch the thread, etc

We all make mistakes and here is mine. . .but, I am proud of it, because it made me learn huge things about myself and that is progress for me!
Anyway, thank you for your reply and as always I am on supporters side, I am not against any of you. We are basically all in it together! :hug:

 

[Sighs]

No-one 'sent their worst'. People politely pointed out to you that you had veered into "Here is how you should all behave to be the perfect supporter" territory.

You haven't responded to any of my questions.

Are you and your partner young? How long have you been together? Do you live together? Do you have children, if so together or from previous relationships? Are you able to work? Do you have enough money? Are you homeless? Do you have nightmares? Does he get enough sleep? Do you get along with his family? Does he get along with yours? Have you ever hit him in a rage? Have you strangled him during a flashback? Is he afraid of you? Have you ever cheated on him? Have you ever disappeared for days or weeks at a time? Have you ever hit his child in a rage? Do you drink? Do you take drugs? Do you gamble? Has he ever really seen your dark side?

My reason for asking those questions was because you seemed to be saying that PTSD would not be an issue in our relationships if we just looked harder at our own issues or left our sufferers.

Don't just stop at the feeling - Oh wait, my partner has been diagnosed with PTSD and I feel he isn't there for me, he ignores me, he cheats on me, he hurts me, speaks to me like shit, etc. . . .Find all the reasons you can for it or leave.

To me, that's a lot like telling a palliative care nurse that cancer would not be an issue for his/her patients if he/she were a better nurse or got a different job. We're trying to help, but we don't have a magic wand.

Do you really know enough about PTSD to blame your unhealthy relationship on it?

So, I asked my questions to try to find out if you know enough about PTSD in general (as opposed to your personal experience of it) to give other people advice.

I hate the armed camp of supporter and supportee.

Given that supporters are here for the very reason that they are trying to support and help someone with PTSD, I don't think there is any 'armed camp'. Supporters often post asking sufferers for some insight into the condition. In this case, the 'advice' was unsolicited and expressed in sweeping generalizations. As opposed to many many posts from sufferers along the lines of "I can't say what your sufferer is feeling but when I behave like that it usually means I feel like abc." That's incredibly helpful. Blaming supporters for the fact that PTSD is causing relationship problems is not.

FFS - its a disorder characterized by disconnect in personal relationships.

 

[Mallaky]

I think she put me on ignore for my post in this thread. Sane discussion might be impossible. Wierd.......

 

[Sighs]

@Mallaky - I may well be on her ignore list too.

 

[Milo's papa]

When I first came on this site, I found many, many people blaming PTSD for their relationship becoming...

My wife's cPTSD came on like tornado. My daughter was hit by a car as she was walking to school. When my wife got the call, (at work) from the police she stood up and heard the sound of glass breaking inside her head. Everything in our lives changed apart after that. It has been seven years now and things still are the same. It would be easy for me to blame others for the position we are in, but in reality it is no one fault, (at least no one other than her abusers). I have had to get therapy myself to help me deal with my wife's condition but those are my issues and not hers. I will not burden her with my issues surrounding her cPTSD she has enough to deal with. There is no way on earth I'm going to blame her for anything, and I hate it when she blames herself, (which is multiple times a day).

Supporters are supposed to be and do just that and if they can't or aren't capable then they should either get help or get out. They only do more harm being there if they are incapable of showing compassion, love, and support for their significant others

 

[Sweetpea76]

I will not burden her with my issues surrounding her cPTSD she has enough to deal with.

Nobody here wants to burden their sufferer either. We don't want the people we love to hurt any more than they are already hurting.

There is no way on earth I'm going to blame her for anything, and I hate it when she blames herself, (which is multiple times a day).

Nobody is blaming our sufferers.... we come here to discuss difficulties that PTSD causes in our relationships. Sometimes no matter what you do, the PTSD beast rears its ugly head and causes problems. It's nobody's fault. That's just the way PTSD works. I'm probably not saying anything you don't already know if you have been with your wife for years.

Supporters are supposed to be and do just that and if they can't or aren't capable then they should either get help or get out. They only do more harm being there if they are incapable of showing compassion, love, and support for their significant others

Nobody is saying anything different here. We are just responding to the tone of the original post, and saying that sometimes no matter what you do or say, or how "perfect" of a supporter you are, sometimes it will still blow up in your face.

 

[Purplemunchkin]

They only do more harm being there if they are incapable of showing compassion, love, and support for their significant others

And sometimes we have bad days too, where we need someone to turn to. But we can't turn to our partners about this. And because we love, and want to protect them, we can't talk to 'outsiders' who just don't understand and will judge them unfairly.

So we come here to vent, rant, complain and discuss with others who do understand the tightrope we choose to walk for those we love most.