To ask or not to ask... for a phone call

[Justmehere]

I tossed all the meds away yesterday! Except one that keeps me breathing.

I’m sicker, but maybe my head will clear.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Ok so white knuckling. Not fun, but you’ve actually been doing this already. Ain’t fun, but it is what it is. Grounding, distraction, and if you want @Justmehere we can get into another heated debate about gun control, that took up some time yesterday....and it’s definitely distracting from what you’re going through. Hell, I’ll even let you yell and scream at me if it will help....

Hang in there......

 

[Suzetig]

FYI, I’m actively pursuing a masters in counseling, and I just took my crisis and trauma class, so please PM me if it will help...I’m listening!

Just a reminder that everyone posts here in their private capacity - this is a peer support site and can’t be considered a “safe space”. We have no way of verifying anyone’s claims of knowledge or expertise, people can and do misrepresent themselves online.

 

[Justmehere]

Thanks @She Cat and everyone else I’ve missed.

I’m home sick, fighting to breathe, but my head is clearing a little. I’ll break down and use the inhaled steroids in a bit... but that just makes me antsy. Not suicidal.

I’m really mad at my therapist. I feel like it’s really unfair for me to be mad at her. I point blank told her it was ok to say no, it is ok to say no, and there isn’t much she could have done anyhow.

But I’m still mad. I nearly died a few weeks ago fighting this thing and somehow, I have the interpretation in my head that she doesn’t really care or take me seriously.

Two years of work with her gives a lot of evidence to the contrary.

My last therapist left when I was prescribed a medication that caused seratonin syndrome and I told the doc and others this isn’t working something is wrong, and no one took me seriously until I nearly died. I told her I needed to cancel and go to the ER. She said no come into therapy. I told her no. She didn’t hear it. She was trying to help. First time I ever told her no, I yelled it at her. “When the —— will you hear me say no?”

She quit. Fast. She had told me she’d never quit like she did, not because I said no or yelled once or...

But it was fair to quit.

Here I am, again, jacked up on physical sickness drugs doing a number on my brain... and throughout this, I think I’ve wanted this therapist to take me seriously?

When I first got sick, I wasn’t contagious and told her three doctors said I wasn’t. I still missed a couple of appointments. Then when I came back, she up three sessions in a row with a fever, coughing, sneezing. Visibly ill.

After the 3rd time two weeks ago, I told her point blank, I’ll leave the appointment if you show up this sick again. You can actually cancel on me. It’s not good for you and my immune system is shot. You are risking me getting really sick again. She admitted she tends to work until someone sends her home and her favorite days are the days she sees me, so she was trying to take another day off.

I was finally getting past the pneumonia and I did catch what she had. Badly. Then all this to try to get through it and calm the pneumonia back down. I couldn’t come in this week because I was running the high fever she had the week before.

In the middle of it all, I guess I’m feeling really mad. Stranded.

Used?

She couldn’t take one session off to keep others from getting sick, and when I pay the price and get sick, I can’t have one paid 5 minute phone call for a week I have to miss therapy?

I feel like I’m being a jerk. I’m really mad at her. I know I shouldn’t blame her for being sick, as everyone is sick... bad flu season...

But damn it. I am mad. And it’s not about the phone call.

We were sorting through something that goes to the core of why I distrust therapists and then all this has to happen? She hasn’t done anything wrong, and yet I’m still mad. I don’t know how to handle this all with her.

I don’t know how to face seeing her this messed up and feeling this angry in such an irrational way. I don’t see that this will go well. I’m ok that she didn’t call, I’m not ok that she didn’t take anything going on with me being sick very seriously at all.

It *feels* like it was with my last therapist. I know feelings are not facts...

And there is that vulnerable pain of how much I just wanted to know she is there for me. I guess I have to go to therapy tomorrow to try and see that she is there for me.

 

[Friday]

t *feels* like it was with my last therapist. I know feelings are not facts...

:wtf: gotta love triggers & flashbacks, in the middle of big fat stressors, right?

 

[Justmehere]

Lol. Oh it’s a real hoot! Blah. I want to sleep until April when this is all over.

 

[ButterflyBean]

Just a reminder that everyone posts here in their private capacity - this is a peer support site and ca...

@Suzetig, I completely understand the not being able to verify, so I deleted that part of my post. @Justmehere, my offer of and for support still stands though! I agree that your therapist could have handled the situation a whole lot differently. However, I’m so glad you have a “white knuckle” plan to get you through to tomorrow night! That’s all that matters at the moment. One moment, one second at a time. Hoping you’re able to express yourself as desperately needed tomorrow. The side effects will pass, the anger toward your therapist will pass eventually. Keep us posted if/when you can. You’re doing great dispite the so unfortunate circumstances...be proud of, and gentle with, yourself!

 

[Muttly]

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Did your white knuckle plan have specific coping things to do?

I completely understand if you can't, but it would be great if you could print out that last post and bring it in. It's valid and fair. It's ok for you to be mad at your T. A good T can handle that. Getting through this with your current T may well help heal some of the damage your last T did

 

[Justmehere]

The suicidal thoughts and some of the super intense psych symptoms are lessening a little more tonight. My whole body is loser. My mind is still really off kilter, but it’s beginning to feel more clear. I’m still “white knuckling” it... but it’s getting easier.

My freak out about therapy has not lessened. I’m quite convinced she’ll quit now. Sigh. Thank you abandonment fears. :/

I really didn’t do anything wrong or go over her boundaries. Not any that I knew about. I hope she’ll give me a chance to get back on track when I see her and that we can talk this through.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I try to remind myself that therapists know that we are in therapy for a reason, so if we are panicked and reaching out between sessions, there is an underlying reason in place.

 

[Freida]

I think she will be fine with you being mad at her and downright proud of the work you did to demand someone help you! It's sucks but it also show so much growth!

And the idea that its the meds causing it may take a bit to register with you....but I think that will be a great conversation to have with her too

 

[Deleted member 541]

Here’s hoping that things go ok with your T. If she knows and understands that it was due to meds and you being sick, she should just chalk it up to “shit happens” and move on from there.