To Discover Lost Memories

[Hopp]

I want to tell you about those things that have been secrets during my entire Life, at least until I turned 40 years old. When I say secret I mean secret for everybody, both myself and other people. I had lost my memories of my childhood and I thought it must be because of some light braindamage or so. Now I know that it is spelt PTSD...:oops:

Two years ago my Life collapsed. I got flashbacks from a Life that I didn´t know anything about. I understood that this was the reason I had such a poor memoy. I knew that the memories were true. It was first flashes about me wanting to commit suicide, but why? Didn´t I have a perfect childhood? Then I got memories from nine yeas of harassments in school. I realized that I never told my parents. Why? Well, the home-situation wasn´t that good. Both of my parents seem to have had depressions and maybe my father always had PTSD himself. A lot of strange things happened in our home. After a while I got back memories from sexual abuse that were parts of all the harassments. When those memories came I wanted to die. My friends helped me to a doctor and a therapist.

During therapy I discovered another trauma that really knocked me. I was only two years old when my parents forced me to eat in a very harsh way (I know this has happened). My father took me in his lap and held my arms och legs hard. One of my older brothers got to put wooden bricks in my mouth to force it opened. My mother then fed me and I thought I would die. This has effected me in a very strong way and it´s still quite bad.

Even if I got through 40 years of my Life until I got this diagnos I have been effected of all these things without understanding. It´s been a secret even for me. Now I want to discover what my Life really is:barefoot: and I want to learn how to live it. :rolleyes:

 

[Grama-Herc]

First I want to tell you how much my heart aches for you. BUT! I need to know how the return of your memory started, how you were able to bring those memories out into the open and how you are handling this discovery.

My childhood is missing....... I know the memories will return when I am mentally stable enough to handle them, but the fear of what is hiding is so intense. OMG, what happened to us that caused us to shut down so tightly?

I have a question to ask and I hope it will not be to intrusive. Send me a private response if you are more comfortable with answering in private. My question------Have you ever felt like you have a split personality(it is called something else these days)? Have you ever felt like there was another person inside? See, I sometimes find things I have written that I DO NOT remember writing, as an example. I have even discovered that I had used the car and do not recall going any place. This scares the :poop: out of me.

I hope you do not mind this entry into your diary but I have so many questions because I have the same issues as you.

 

[LEMMING]

Hopp, am going through similar things myself, and Grama Herc yes, I too feel as though I have an extra self and another person inside. It is a very strange feeling.

 

[Hopp]

Thankyou for your respons!:) I´m so sorry you too have to experience this...:(It´s OK to ask questions and I can try to answear. English is not my first language (maybe you have already understood that) so we´ll see what I´m able to...

This started when everything was fine. I was happy. I felt balanced. I had a reason to tell some of my friends abut my childhood. I told what I knew and I was very honest. Afterwards I felt very strange and the day after I started to dissociate. I felt a bit like not being totally in myself. It lasted for four days. After that experience it took some months before it all started. It started with flashes with very intense feelings. They just came when I was at work and I was shaking. I didn´t understand anything. After several weeks with these experiences for maybe five times a day , pictures came in my memory. Then only the pictures came without the feelings (the feelings came first). After a while the feelings came together with the pictures. It has been very shocking.

My own experience involves my belief in God. If you are interested in how you can write a private message.

This about experiencing another self in me, is not something I have felt. But I think is not so strange anyway. I think abput DID (the diagnose).

 

[zaniara]

Congratulations on starting your diary. :) And you already know my friend that I'm sorry for the suffering both in your past and now. You're brave! ;) And your English is fine! (only practice can give improvements: you should se how much I use the online dictionary's!! :D) :hug:

 

[Hopp]

Thanyou Zaniara:):hug:

 

[Hopp]

I think I have dissociated a lot this afternoon. I wrote a bit about what happend when I was two years old (in another forum) and I think it might have been that that effected me. :(

 

[zaniara]

Not 'liking' it- I just wanted to show my support. :hug:

 

[Hopp]

This morning I have talked to the therapist (psycologist?) in my daughters school. They have also noticed that our youngest daugther seem to be unhappy. I told him about the situation; me having PTSD. I want to do everything for my daughters, but it feels like I´m failing...:( This afternoon it is time for the therapy for both myself and my husband. It is the fourth session. Unfortunately it feels like it is even worse now... I hope todays session will be good. Too much today...

 

[zaniara]

Crossing my fingers it all goes well today. Sometimes it unfortunately has to get a lot worse before it gets better.. :( :hug:

 

[Hopp]

I haven´t got the energy to write about the session me and my husband went to a couple of days ago, until now. ´This was the fourth session and it was the first one that I hadn´t prepared myself for. The reason was that I couldn´t focus.:confused: Afterwards I realized that I had been so tense that I had pain in my muscles like I had been working-out or something.

Our helpers during the session (T) took care of everything and I´m very grateful for that. This is very difficult for me since there are a lot of triggers in this relationship. I have difficulties to say how bad things are cause I don´t want to hurt my husband. I try to be honest but often I realized afterwards that I didn´t tell the truth, at least not the whole truth. :sick: i Think the worst part is that my husband still doesn´t seem to understand why he needs to be there... The session before this one he said something like: "Fix her and then I can come back".

Now my husband is out sailing for four days, just for fun. I said I didn´t want him to go because it is triggering for me to be alone with the kids. He went anyway... I feel like he doesn´t care. :sick:

 

[Hopp]

Yesterday I was invited to my friends house. She is the only friend I have since childhood (and probably the only friend I had then). Her parents were there. They talked a bit about us as children, but that is difficult for me since I don´t remenber. It is very obvious that my memory isn´t normal and I wonder what they think about me (they don´t know anything about PTSD). Her parents also know my parents and that makes me feel a bit afraid. :oops:My parents don´t know anything... They know I haven´t worked for almost two years and they know that I have been depressed. They have noticed that I don´t see them as much as I did. But it is not a good situation...:(