Relationship To Hold On To Hope ... Or Just Let Him Go

[Carolina79]

I really don't know what to think at this point. My (if I can even call him that .. I have no idea) sufferer (again .. not even sure if I can call him that) is leaving tomorrow on a hike that will have him away for 8 months. I knew this was coming when we met and while I knew it would be difficult, I definitely didn't anticipate things being this way.

I still have yet to hear from him. It's been a week now with no response to any message I have sent. I've done my best to leave him alone, and when I do send a message, it has been (mostly) out of concern for his well being. I know from Facebook that he is well enough physically to be out and about with friends and while I'm glad, it is a bit bittersweet. This is my first "relationship" with someone who may or may not have PTSD .. and even if he doesn't the TBI is certainly enough to have him dealing with a lot of personal and medical issues. Try as I might, it is very hard for me, as someone who is extremely new to any of this, to reconcile that he is well enough for them .. but not for me.

In the beginning, I was looking forward to this time apart. While I knew I would miss him, I had things of my own going on when he and I met. I had just lost my father, and was coming out of a mentally abusive marriage. We both knew that this time apart would be good for us both as we had our own issues to work out. Just last week, he was still adamant that when he returned, he was going to move closer and we would be together. Then he just shut down and stopped communicating.

I keep telling myself this isn't about me. I've talked to my mom and she said she really feels in her gut that it's not, and that he feels he is somehow protecting me. From what, I don't know. I was ready to just give up .. because while coming here has been so helpful, I still couldn't wrap my head around the thought that I must not mean much to him if I am not even worthy of a goodbye before he leaves for the better part of a year. My head and heart are on 2 different pages.

I mentioned in my last post that when things were good, he gave me something very important to him. He gave his dog tag. When he gave it to me he told me to please keep it safe, as it hadn't left his neck in 16 years. I asked if he was sure he wanted to do that and he said he was positive. This to me is significant. I messaged this week after wishing him well on his journey, asking if he would like for me to get it back to him, as I know how much it means .. and frankly I just am not sure what this cease in communication means as far as his feelings for me go (I didn't say that to him though, just asked about the tag). He never responded.

I can only assume that he wants me to continue to hold them for safe keeping .. and as much as I want to, I just can't understand any of this. It hurts badly, especially after all the loss I have suffered in the past 4 months. Now I fear I may have lost him too. Before things got bad, I knew he was leaving, but was secure in the fact that we were both going to take this time to work on ourselves, we could survive the time and distance, and it would be good for us both. He was coming back to me. Now I have no idea.

I guess I just wish I knew what he was thinking so that it might help bring some kind of closure. Be it good or bad. I pray every day that I can place him in God's hands and leave him there. I have no control over this one way or the other. All I can really do is pray for his safety, his healing, and my own. I know that I need to take this time to find me again, work out my issues, enjoy time with my little boy. I'm just finding it very hard to move at all. It's like with him gone, all the other loss that I managed to shove aside is crashing onto me at once. But I do realize the need to face it and move forward.

Sorry for my rambling. I guess I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening.

 

[Barconian]

I really don't know what to think at this point. My (if I can even call him that .. I have no idea) sufferer (again .. not even sure if I can call him that) is leaving tomorrow on a hike that will have him away for 8 months. I knew this was coming when we met and while I knew it would be difficult, I definitely didn't anticipate things being this way.

Poor baby

 

[Carolina79]

@Barconian I don't know whether to thank you or ask if that was sarcasm .. lol. I really don't mean to whine and make things all about me .. like I said .. my head and heart are in 2 different places. My head says, he is suffering and you're being selfish .. give him the time he needs to heal. But my heart is broken that he could rescue me (which is essentially what he did) and then just walk away like we were nothing. I'm just confused and trying to move past this.

 

[Barconian]

@Carolina79 Maybe your heart is saying your being selfish and your head is trying to find reason! Your last post was well said :)

 

[Carolina79]

I think the saddest part is, my head and heart both know that after everything that I've been through personally (which of course doesn't touch what he's been or is going through) I am not in a place to be the kind of support he needs right now. I truly want to be able to, because I care for him very much. When I take myself out of the equation and think of how he must be feeling and let myself imagine all that he has endured, my heart breaks for him. I wish I could take it away.

Unfortunately, right now I am overloaded with my own stress and don't think it's wise for myself or fair to him to try and take on his too. As hard as it is for me to let go, I know that's what I need to do. I need to use this time apart to take care of me. I pray that these months will bring us both healing and that when he returns, we can start over, even as just friends. As silly as this sounds, I find hope that though he hasn't spoken to me, he hasn't said it's over or to leave him alone, hasn't removed me from Facebook, and still trusts me to hold his dog tag.

Even though I can acknowledge that now isn't our time, I do want to hold on to the hope that our time isn't over.

 

[Sweetpea76]

This is the worst thing about being a supporter... the confusion.

 

[Echo]

@Carolina79 - I think it is quite reasonable to expect a goodbye since you have agreed to give him so much freedom. It would be hurtful to anyone and I don't agree that it is selfish. It may just be too triggering for him and make him feel he hasn't got the strength to go, if he gets all emotional over you.

Don't forget though that he won't know what you are up to during that time away, unless there is any communication. The boot might be on the other foot shortly.

All your stuff is coming up for attention now, because now really is the time for you to be working on yourself. When my 'love' left me about 8 months ago (I am pretty convinced by now that he has unacknowledged PTSD, given his childhood history) with no explanation, I found it excruciating at first (and I still do now at times), but mostly I feel that I want the space to get myself into the best possible place with my own CPTSD, so that I am no longer co-dependent in any way and am really able to have a mature relationship with someone, whether it is him again or someone else. See this as an opportunity to grow and to give yourself and him that gift when he returns.

 

[Carolina79]

@Sweetpea76 I am definitely struggling with confusion. Trying so hard not to think of things that were said or done before the shut out because all it does is confuse and hurt me. That being said @Echo I remember the first time I went to visit him .. when he left he text me immediately saying that he had to get out before he started to cry. We got so close, so fast. Also, when I finally left my husband, he mentioned that he wished he had known before he planned his hike. To which, I told him I was glad he hadn't because I would never want him to stay for me. This is something he needs to do and I need the time as well. I have wondered if this has been his way of preparing himself to be without me for the months to come .. or perhaps even preparing me.

I think back on those things and despite being "dropped" for lack of a better word, can't make myself believe that what we had/have isn't real. It is definitely the most confusing thing I have ever been through. I go over all of these scenarios in my head .. maybe he is afraid that I'm going to go home to my husband .. maybe he wants to see how I am going to handle these 8 months in terms of my own issues .. I just don't know. And it makes it harder to let go. Not that I necessarily want to let go and give up on him .. but I do need to find a way to get him out of my head so that I can prioritize other things right now.

I really appreciate all of your advice and just your ears. Being able to come here and just get it out has truly helped me so much. It is still hard not to take all of this personally but it sure has given me a different perspective. And that perspective gives me hope for our future. Going forward, I am going to get the help I need for myself .. I start with a therapist next week .. and try to get back to the place I was before things went south. I am going to work on me .. he is going to work on him .. and when he returns we will both be better equipped to be together .. or I at least will be better equipped to be on my own.