Sufferer To Much For Too Long

[freefloat]

Not a blast at all. Huge power imbalance. They make me nervous too. But thats along time to live like that. Must have been a reaosn why you went to talk to doc. Yes you can survive but survial isnt living. Yes there are what are called 'professional service seekers' but thats part of another disorder....... Na i dont like it either. Thought I had it beat years ago. Maybe for you exposure therapty may be of value. Your at the start, trust your gut and get someone good thats private to look at this with you. I know i repeat its my way of conveying a strong belief.

 

[tphillips117]

I thought about exposure but right now....NO WAY! I actually have a bachelors degree in Police Science. I got this degree because of my arrest. I wanted to be certain what my rights were, what protocol was, and how I could protect myself in case of arrest again in the future. Of course, that has not happened...but I've been prepared. Just talking to you right now makes me adrenaline rush and my heart beat fast. I told my therapist that I didn't ever forsee a future not feeling this way. I'm not sure I'm help-able. If that makes sense. Ever feel that way?

 

[freefloat]

Yes it does seem that way at times. But as in most things like this I experince it in differing degrees from day to day. Cause it seems hopless doenst mean it is. When i used to go into high stress and risky situations I'd have it scripted. Allowed me to operate on the script and not have to think so much at the time. Better able to keep focus. Consider what secenerios may happen and how best to dela iwth them Assume that ther are just several general scenarios. Put in what you need to win the situation. ie have the name of a good lawyer, what will you say or dont say. You must be aware of interogatuon techniques that would help alot. I used ridicule and logic when dealing with them. Maintained a flat emotional presntation. Etc. Visualise the situation and you being released with out to much trauma. Walking out and feel like a million bucks. As again you won the battle.

 

[tphillips117]

I feel like I won the battle, but lost the war. This arrest happened so long ago, yet it feels like it happened yesterday.

When I drive, I white knuckle the steering wheel, sometimes I feel unsafe to be on the road. If a cop lingers behind my car to long on the road, I will literally break out in a sweat, my body will shake and my heart will pound. I can feel my heartbeat in my fingertips. I mean, wow!--I'm baffled by the reaction. It catches me off guard every single time. It effects every part of my life.

I'm a thinker. Ever drove somewhere, got to your destination, and had no idea how or when you actually arrived? Ever had conversations with people, where you actually participated and then later have absolutely no recollection of that you were supposed to do something or be somewhere?

Wake up with a pit in your stomach much? How about the dreams, or rather, nightmares often? How about trying to fall asleep at night and swearing that you can hear someone breaking in--getting up all night to check on it. Wondering if that shadow you see at the door is someone standing in your hallway with a gun, ready to kill you.

Being on high alert is all I know. Fight or flight is how I live my life all the time. ALways waiting for the other shoe to drop, always wondering when the worst will happen. Having moments of happiness where you laugh for a moment, put your guard down, only to have that inner voice say "DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN!" Wow, how exhausting. It's not depression, but it's anxiety at a constant level, and it spills over into ever aspect of your life.

For me, I'm so daunted by being on edge all the time, that I tend to get frustrated very easily, and even minor things can feel like the world is ending. You just get to a point where you can't take any more sensory input--you're already on overload and that is the worst part. I can't cope with everyday stress, because the stress I already have is in the red zone.

I have a lot of things I say to myself in my thoughts, things I've never shared with anyone. I don't think I'd ever be able to be really honest with my therapist. I don't trust ANYONE! If this makes sense.

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[freefloat]

Yes that makes perfect sense. Relationships with therapists, like nay other, requires sometime to build. You may hit it off off the bat or not. Or you may have several seesions befoe feeling confident or after several you may dump them. Its hard as your fear is current and sound. They are corrupt in so many ways. Here theyd go to the end sof the earth to bust some junkie for property crimes but horrific child abuse is of no concern. They are, in the end, govt employess. So within that culture there is no room for anything but the lowest common denominator to exist. They have their own agenda and it not justice as you or I would frame it. Do you know if there are groups that stand up for people that have been wrongly accused in your area? Such as civil liberties etc. Sometomes there can be some peace found in being iwth others with a similar experience or position.Strength in numbers.

 

[tphillips117]

I have looked into it and I can't seem to find anything. I would LOVE to talk to someone who has been through what I went through. I don't feel like a normal "victim" (and I HATE that word!). I don't have "typical" issues of child or sexual abuse. I feel like I'm on the fray.

I'm not like other people who seem to have a common sense of loss and betrayal. I feel very, very alone. I just can't imagine that anyone could ever know what being placed in handcuffs, read your rights and interrogated could possibly be like without having gone through it. All while you know for absolute certainty that you DIDN'T DO IT! There were so many times that the police tried to convince me that I was guilty, that I actually doubted my innocence for a split second or two.

I think we both share the idea of broken-ness. It's a hollow feeling inside that you really can't put your finger on. A strange, lonely, silent sadness that is always just there. Those thoughts of guilt and shame that creep into your mind when you have some time to yourself. The fear that you'll have to live this way for the rest your life. Seems not worth it at all. I don't see a way out, I really don't.

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[freefloat]

I can relate to that in some ways, having been arrested a few times and assaulted by the cops while in cuffs. Someone I knew died in cells. I never accepted the coroners assesment. Had a few other dealings with her and she was commonly wrong, uneducated and was going with the 'party line'.

Others too feel the burn of the corruption. The Occupy movement is all about that. So was the Arab spring. For too long we have had our power taken by the govt and authoraties. As we stand by and allow it to happen at an ever increasing rate. Neoliberalism and its political twin inverted totalitarianism are not theories for the tin foil hat crowd but real and scarey.

Yes the hollow feeling. Like a whole has been blown through you that never heals. Disconnecting things that once were attached. Or would idealise that they had existed. Its so hard when youve lived like this for a long time. I struggle with what is PTSD and what comes from awareness through my experiences.

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[tphillips117]

Ever just say to yourself, "I should just get over it"? "It's not really that bad". And then those moments when you are consumed by it all. Then the semi-good moments again. That back and forth. I need help. I don't. I need help. I don't. Confusing!

 

[Eleanor]

Freefloat and tphillips - you guys are awesome.:tup: You are so welcome to the forum!:) You will find many others who "get it" here.:):( I'm so sorry you have each been through so much. I hope this site can assist in your healing and coping.

Wishing you and your children each peace and healing.

 

[tphillips117]

Thanks Eleanor! I hope that this may be even a small step in our healing journey.

 

[Eleanor]

Heck, who knows? Maybe even a biggish one?:D

 

[tphillips117]

That would be great!!! But I know for both of us, we're just starting out--well, I'm just starting out anyway. This is not where I imagined I'd be. It's funny, that you just never know where life will take you. I'm just hoping for the best. Getting help can't possibly be as scary and lonely as going at it alone. I don't want to be to disappointed but I have have high hopes. :)