To Reach Out Or Let Go??

[Missme]

I was dating my now ex (let's call him Greg) for around a year and a half. I met him at the beginning of summer two summers ago. Th first summer was great we were together all the time. When I went back to college two hours away I started to drift from him. He didn't have a job at the time and I felt his feelings were much stronger for me.

I decided to break it off after 4 months, wanting to be single and be college Laura. The weekend I decided to go home to breakup with Greg my school sweethearts dad was killed by a DUI driver. I attended the funeral. After the funeral my sweetheart kissed me. I proceeded to breakup with Greg ( I told him why I decided to break up not telling him about the kiss didn't want to add insult to injury).

Around a month later the high school sweetheart showed up at my school wanting me to go to concert with him. I agreed after he asked me to be his gf. I explained to him I just broke up with my ex and kinda wanted to be singe but I agreed to be together at a very slow pace.

About a month later I run into Greg. He cries about how much he misses me and opens up to me so much more than we ever did our relationship. I tell him I didn't appreciate him enough and I still have feelings for him. We continue as friends.

This is we're it gets odd.

While we are hanging, he alerts me my best friend tried to grope him one night. She denies this claim. While I struggle with feelings for my ex I struggle with trying to help my boyfriend with his fathers death. I tell Greg of how I kissed my new boyfriend at the funeral and explain that I was over whelmed with emotional and really had no intention of me and him ending up together. I tell Greg of this and he begins to try to convince me to get back together.

One night beyond stressed I drink myself into a stupor and when I wake him he says I tried to shove his hands down my pants.

Out of guilt I break up with new boyfriend telling him I still have feelings for my ex.

Cut to 6 months later. Greg and I have got together again. All the trouble starts when we get into a huge fight because he stills hangs out alone with my friend who "groped him"

I tell him via texting I don't wanna hangout with either of you until I find out the truth of what happened. He states that they have talked now and it was all just a misunderstanding and she had just touched his leg? This is when the PTSD really started coming out. I asked him if he had made it up and the fight turned into you don't love me enough, you never show me you appreciate me. I put aside the groping to tell him I did love him and care.

Now two months ago we start fighting again. Greg is staying with his friend Kyle who does crack and a raging alcoholic. Greg talks about how stressed he is about trying to move, trying to get his car fixed, trying to his drivers lis back. Pretty much super stressful environment. Kyle robbed a store and is generally an asshole to all. Greg's worried about being homeless. Eventually Kyle goes to jail and Kyle's baby momma comes to the apartment and is like hey you got 13 days and then you have to be out.

Greg finds a place but it's not ready in time for him on the 13th day. I'm dog sitting for my friend for the week and I let him stay there while he's homeless. This is the beginning of our breakup.

I take our cat to my friend to baby sit him while Greg is homeless. I'm having general relationship anxiety and wanna talk to him but every time I try to talk about problems with him he gets angry p then cries about his PTSD. He ims me asking why I'm not texting back and I say I'm at my friends and I'm just like feeling eh. He asks if we will talk about it soon and I say yes.

The next morning I get a text saying I have off today text me as soon as you get up. Wanting space still I wait until around 2 and text him saying hey I went to walmart blah blah blah and I don't text him back immediately again. He starts blowing me up saying bring me the cat now and calling me repeatedly. He says I'm cheating on him and that he knows I didn't text him as soon as I got up.

The next day he meets me to talk and drives me aggressively around running stop signs, I try to explain why I wasn't texting ( scared of his reaction wanted space )and how I wasn't doing anything shady ( he wouldn't believe me that my friends internet was down so he couldn't reach my friend) he threatens saying stuff like I almost broke up with you and I'm glad you didn't pickup the phone. I explain I needed space and his reaction is not acceptable but he keeps yelling at me.

We have to go to his work banquet so on the way I ask hey can we talk about this later my feelings are super hurt. And he says "no it won't matter anyway" so I go the the banquet really upset and freaked out by him driving me around and yelling at me.

We have more fights while staying at my friends to dog watch. He almost breaks up with me one night because he went thro my phone and saw I told my friend I didn't wanna go talk to him (because that way he acts to conflict.) He fakes leaving at one points and comes in saying "you didn't seem very upset that I left"

I go back to school and he tells me we should go on break because his doctor says his PTSD is getting horrible and I shouldn't be around for it. So I accept thinking all these anger out breaks are PTSD. But at school he barely texts me back and is very short. On my birthday he tells me he will get me something if he can afford it and says "btw idk what is going on with you because your friend bitched me out because you not talking about your problems to me again"

Apparently she had messaged him telling him he was treating me bad. I explained she did it of her owe free will and I was just venting to her because she's my friend. We talked on the phone end he got really nasty to me so I told him I didn't wanna talk to him for awhile.

The next day on fb it says it says he has a new gf. I ask him who is this and he yells at me saying I don't trust him and he breaks up with me. He keeps talking to me everyday and I tell him I don't wanna talk if you have a new gf. One night I ask his best friends gf if she knees this girl and he calls me screaming saying I never trusted him and this needs to stop because I'm prying into his life. I asked him 4/5 time if she was his gf.

Eventually tired of mind games I send her pictures of him talking to me (sexting saying he doesn't like her) and she says they hand been dating 2 months. When I ask him he says I lied because my heart wants you but my brain doesn't. He says he feels like he's not the same person I meet two summers ago and feels so low that he doesn't even deserve help. He finds out I sent her those pictures of us talking to his new girl he FLIPS ( he's mad I sent sexting stuff) saying he's gonna send my nudes to my dad and everything is over. I respond with okay everything is over you won't hear from me anymore.

From what I know he has severe combat PTSD and bulimia. He is also losing his hearing that correlates with mood swings.

I feel like he sees how kissed that guy at his dad's funeral and Greg now thinks it's okay to do something similar????

I wanna let go due to the cheating and controlling attitude but I can't help but feel it's the PTSD controlling him. I'm starting to think the groping end hands down the pants were a lie to get me back.

I started no contact 8 days ago. I am doing it for my own mental health. Although I struggle with the idea of wanting him back I also feel no closure to move on

The girl he is dating now looks exactly like me ( making me think he's not over me) and is bi polar and obsessive. He is pretty much isolated with him due to the way he's treated many other of his friends. I would like to talk to him either to get closure or see if we could work things out.

I know this is a long post but if you guys had any similar experiences I would love to hear your advice.

Do you think it's the PTSD talking or is he really just a douche?
Is it PTSD or manitpulitive/controlling/ emotional abuse?
Maybe he is just super into this new girl?
If I would try to talk to him how long should I wait?
Should I confront him via letter or in person?
Move on or accept it?

 

[Missme]

Another thing: he is on no meds and attends therapy but minimally. He is on probation meaning he will go to a mental health ward if he skips again.

He claims I had an affair (meaning I talked to the guy I kissed before while we were dating and still do?) and that I never listen to him.

 

[bell]

To be honest, from what you've written, you both seem young, manipulative, and immature... And like you don't trust each other or bring out the best in each other.

In short, from what you've written (seeing that that's all I know about the situation), you both both need therapy because you're both getting way too tied up in things that shouldn't even be issues between adults in relationships. But, then again, given your age, neither of you may even be actual adults yet. Your age may officially say you're an adult, but your actions say the exact opposite.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

If ptsd is to blame for his behavior, then what mental illness do you have that explains your behavior? This is all very dramatic on both ends.

 

[Missme]

@bell @Solara I'm sorry to have come off that way I wrote this very quickly on my friends iPad. I know I made mistakes and I made my apologizes to him and told him the truth. I wanted to show what I had done to show both sides... We had a very functional and healthy relationship between these two points. We spent lots of time together and we're very supportive. We had no trust issues until I discovered he was lying about being with the girl. Now I wonder he had lied to me before.

I know what I did to them was wrong.
I have substance abuse issues when I'm depressed
I didn't message her vindictively to get him in trouble he just continued to talk to me, even when I asked him not too if he was involved with her.
A lot of points were made to state that he yelled at me a lot....

I wish I had taken more time to write this to seem not so dramatic, I tried to simplify to not make the post so long, but it does come off like a 16 year old ranting.

To be simpler I messed up and we wanted to work on it. We were 100% for around 8 months and when he started seeing this girl and his PTSD began to worsen (I guess due to stress) he turned into a whole new person (much more unhappy and moody) and I wasn't sure if I should take it as PTSD or just a very bad end to a good relationship.

 

[joeylittle]

It strikes me that, whether it's his PTSD affecting him or not, your relationship with this guy has probably run its course. I think you could benefit from some more self-reflection about your own actions within it - as you're beginning to do, up above - but just walk away from speculation about his inner state.

One of the big truths is that we can't alter other peoples' behavior, really. We can only affect ourselves. The most you can do, in regards to him, would be to communicate honestly and clearly, without an agenda, exactly what you feel and what you would like to have happen between the two of you; and then you'd need to really just leave it to him, and honestly be accepting of that.

So, that paragraph above? That's what I think of as super-advanced extremely mentally well balanced communication skills. I'm not saying you're not capable of that - but it takes a long time to learn how to be really good at it, and it's not realistic to expect yourself to truly know how to accept this situation and state your needs only. It's hard to do.

So: PTSD or no, I think you two are done, and it doesn't need to be dramatic, it will just need to go into drift. Sounds like he loops you in when he's upset and you do the same. You'd both have to just stop it.

 

[The Albatross]

Let it go. Reread your opening post. Driving recklessly? Running stop signs? "It won't matter anyway"??? This guy is not for you, PTSD or not. If he wants to hitch his wagon to a bi polar girlfriend who looks like you... then so be it. Either they'll both initiate some change or they'll give each other some hellish consequences.

On again off again stuff rarely ever works. You were or seemed relatively factual with your part in the relationship, but what makes you think you deserve to be treated this way? I think I'd take a seriously hard look at that and deal with it before your next relationship.

 

[KwanYingirl]

My advice to you would be to focus your brain on your studies. College is, IMHO, assisted living for the young. You have a wonderful opportunity to develop critical thinking skills that will help you navigate life without so much drama and infighting. The world simply needs as many sane people as possible.
Learn how to write a cogent paper, not inflammatory texts or sexting-so uncool. Develop a way of life that is informed by healthy coping styles and an appreciation for all of the opportunities that you have. And find functional friends. And use birth control.